all my friends are embryonic

current mood:

currently listening to: gutless -hole

currently watching: degrassi: nowhere to run

friday nights are my favourite. i'm sitting here watching the newest season of degrassi & eating some magnolia brand mango ice cream from lee's, the asian grocery store that my mom & i typically haunt to gather ingredients for our holiday filipino food-fest. i love going to that store with my mom because she knows all the oldskool brands & has a story for all kindsa different food items from her past, which make our trip that much more precious. i seriously treasure our trips there together. she's like a little girl again & i love how knowledgeable she is of everything there. a wizard at it, really!

human biology was fucking rough today. i struggled with the lab assignment; the packet we had to work was chock full of dna & rna translations & decoding. i wanted to fucking cry at first because i couldn't get it at first, but then the professor pointed out that i had to use mRNA codons to determine amino acid sequence & i was sort of okay after that. i just couldn't wait to get out of there today & see my mom & kids.

finalllllllllllllllllllly got to watch splice late wednesday night, it's been in rotation on the hbo channel & we have that channel so i obliged most willingly. i really liked it a lot, kind of figured i would after my dad told me about it, but it took forever for me to make the time & develop the willingness to sit down & just watch it already. the only thing i kind of hated was the way the boy version looked. everything else was pretty much perfect & i just wanted to hug dren when she was crying about her cat. :(((((((((

the following night i stayed up super late, glued to my monitor because i was hooked on reading the two chapters my public speaking professor sent me of her ms. it really reminds me of that new show 'homeland' on showtime (which is my new favourite) because it's about her experience in the middle east but it has ties with her life here in the states, traversing between the two realms very elegantly. it's really intriguing to read her life story & i feel so flattered she was willing to share it with me & the next morning i was able to talk her into sending me the rest of it. i'm looking forward to reading it this weekend! i'm hoping i can point her in the direction a few agents that will be appreciative of her manuscript. i can really see it happening as a publication.

& then thursday evening my daughter was a representative in the spelling bee competition for her school. their team scored last, but she was the top scorer of her team, which i was really proud of. there was some seriously hard words to spell. i used to be a wizard at spelling back in my day, i got like, 3rd place as a fourth grader or something. but i don't ever remember having to spell some of the crazy words that were on her list! scrimshaw? octahedron? YANGTZE RIVER??? sheesh.

in love with a ghost

current mood:

currently listening to: love is a stranger -eurythmics

currently reading: the hunger games

TEAM VIOLET & TATE FOREVaH

american horror story does have a pretty sucky element to it, which i can't quite put my thumb on? but there is this chemistry between tate & violet that i totally obsess over. it's like a kitiara/lord soth kind of trope we're dealing with here i guess? that undying devotion, that is so sad & sick, there is a deep down part of myself that resonates. & how he wrote "i love you" in chalk on her wall? it was so romantic it made me want to puke.

also, i like seeing dylan mcdermott cry because it's sexy.

anyhowwwwww. TODAY YOU GUYS. today i had to present my second informative speech in the public speaking class i'm taking this semester & i scored the whole 150 points it was worth total! i was really blown away by that number because i just started working on it the night before & thought for sure it was gonna suck, suck, SUCK. but apparently it didn't according to my teacher. which, i in fact adore. she used to live in iraq, saudi arabia, germany, & louisiana. before she was a professor, she would give presentations to military troops in saudi arabia & all these other countries, on ethics, medical needs, & all kindsa other cool shit. i got to tell her a few weeks ago that she was a college student's wet dream because she's super efficient teacher-wise & she was so flattered. she was all, "leave it to the girl who writes erotica to say that. i can't wait to tell my kids somebody thinks i'm a wet dream!" i blushed with pleasure of course. i dunno what it is with me falling all over these teachers this semester. shalafi! TEACH MEH

let's seeeeeee, rewind to the day before that, wednesday i think? snookms had a day/night off from work because of election day & we got the spawn out of school early & went driving out the the strip on west washington out past plainfield to go antique store browsing. we managed to find this huge fucking antique mall that was still open for another hour, so we got lost in the past & had so much fun. we got turned back on to going to antique stores after our visit downtown in irvington after me & mysty's lovely book launch last week. i love that my kids actually LIKE going there & don't hate it. & it's free! if, of course, you don't want to buy stuff.

now, let's go back to monday, the beginning of this week, when i finally go visit mysty's new haus. it's her & werewolf's first haus, & it's so lovely. i mean, i know it's just a house? but it seriously has a charm to it that i fell in love with right away. mostly it's mysty's stamp on it i s'pose, but i really love the vaulted ceilings, as well as the colours that her & werewolf painted their rooms. also it didn't help that i had a dream about that haus a few months before. when i walked in & saw the gypsy teal coloured walls with a fresh coat of paint & the slant of the vaulted ceiling & about fell to my knees because it was pretty much the exact replica of what i had dreamt months ago, except it was snookms & i living there, & it was in our neighborhood. so freaky, but i've come to expect experiences like this anymore. i'm a starting to become a firm believer that my family comes from a long line of non-nurtured psychics.

the proboscis/prognosis ...

current mood:

currently listening to: patience -guns & roses

currently watching: the exorcism of emily rose

taking a quick snack break before i dive back into reading 'the hunger games'...

this book, man! this fucking book! i'll place the blame on my daughter, as she's the culprit for making me care about it in the first place. her school has a new librarian, & she's all about getting the kids into literature by making them care about what they read. i mean, i know it's important to engage a child whether they care about a particular subject or not, but at this tender age it's so hard to make them care about much of anything that doesn't directly relate to them. so yeah, the new librarian put this, amongst a handful of other "controversial titles" on the shelves to replace many of the ones the previous librarian had targeted for shespawn's age group. this peaked carmen's interest, (which i'm happy to say doesn't take too much in the way of reading these days) but yeah, i guess the new librarian's strategy has "success" written all over it, as there is now a huge wait for most of the titles she recently put out there for her YA public. shespawn felt she couldn't bare to wait any longer, so i indulged in her pleading to buy her a copy from the store. i couldn't deny a kid that's begging to read! she's had it for a week & is on page 100, i just started a few days ago, & i'm on page 55. i'm at the part where katniss is tasting hot chocolate for the first time.

i guess i can blame another part of why i started reading it on shespawn's reports of the movie that is in the making. she was complaining about who was being cast for the role of 'gale', saying that he was miley cyrus's ex (whom i secretly adore) from 'the last song' movie they were both in. i got especially curious when she mentioned that josh hutcherson ("jess" from the 2007 version of 'bridge to terabithia' movie) was playing as peeta, & then resolved firmly to read it when she said that ol' what's her face from the movie 'orphan' was playing as the knife throwing girl. (i so adore isabelle fuhrman & can't wait to see her play some more roles!)

it took me awhile to get sucked in; carmen has been sick with a mild virus all week that led to some wheezing in the chest which had me concerned enough to take her to the doctor over. once the doctor was able to alleviate my worries, i felt nothing holding me back from tearing into the book today. it's been my 'go-to-guy' for the better part of today, aside from making foodies, giving flirty winks, kissses, & nods to snookms, & whining over the cramps from my period. i'll be digging right back in once i'm done here, as a matter o' fact.

wanted to make a quick mention of the "WWW" book launch. it was a real success, everyone showed that said they were going to show, & a few unexpected faces as well! it was smack dab in the middle of the halloween festival that was being held downtown in Irvington, so streets were blocked off due to the costume parade that was going to be coming through later on. the lazy daze coffee shop was super fucking packed, but sure enough our little area was available to set up me & mysty's cozy little repartee for the afternoon. so many people supporting our cause, it felt really invigorating. & snookms was such a complete sweetheart, he even came up to mysty once we were done signing books & asked to purchase a copy of our book with his $20 in hand. i had to clutch at my heart strings, & i saw mysty's face just kind of melt too. it was really a great experience. i was so happy see katie there, & my mom & dad too. i was super shocked to see mysty's husband's parents show up, & delighted to formally be introduced to mysty's mom.

(mysty & i signing copies of our book at lazy daze coffee house, photo taken by miss katie!)

my ex showed up & snookms totally handled it like a champ. they even talked about pizza for a bit & snookms referred to him as "prince charming" for the remainder of the evening, which totally had me giggling for mr.-quinn fox-whom-i-have-promised-to-stop-calling-denny. it's harder than you think, remembering to refer to someone who has not only been a great ex, but a family friend for nearly the past 20 years.

welllllll, not much else to report. going to resume reading about katniss slurping hot chocolate. & even if there are no fight-to-the-death-matches soon, i'm still totally enjoying hearing katniss configure to what ends she would have to go to make meals that the Capitol produces with the ease of pressing a fucking button.

the little girl inside that died ...

current mood:

currently listening to: souvlaki space station -slowdive

currently reading: the hunger games

i need you everywhere; in everything ...

where ever i go; whatever i see ...

it is all a magnified version of you; past, present, & future

i want to feel you in my bones, in my marrow, furrowing deep beneath the many layers of tissue & sinew i possess within this mortal coil of a shell

your vibrations travel within me, in waves overflowing, crashing to the ground with a resonance,

this beautiful lexis is so ambiguously translated, that ...

that i cannot bear to decipher where it will go or where these things will take me

my nose stings against the breeze of where you carry me, through the night ...

you take me down, s'very far down from what i've ever known

only to bring me back to majestic heights of drowsy unawares

pleasures unknown, not ever sought after...

as a child, thinking i would never care about so much of what you have brought me into,

yet i maintain my childlike image, in an eternal vial of reproach ...

... you will forever be the Thing that has saved me from drowning in a volatile puddle of my own self-hating ways ...

gretel & hansel

current mood: wooden heart

currently listening to: only you -portishead

currently watching: american horror story

i keep forgetting snookms isn't coming home tonight! he went on a trip out of town, will be gone over night. i haven't been away from him for more than a night since the day we kissed. this is going to kind of suck, but at the same time, i like being able to test my parameters. i wonder when i'll finally break? i sure do miss him already. he always leaves his bowl & spoon out on the counter from his nightly 3 bowls of cereal ritual & uses it the next day so he doesn't have to dig for a spoon & bowl the next morning & i always get aggravated & throw it in the sink anyway, but it reminds me of him so i'm leaving it out. & then when i was folding his underwear i got all emotional. he'll be back soon enough.

we are talking about going to see paranormal activity 3 this coming saturday with the kids & a buttload of their friends, i think it will be super grand. the more the merrier! (sometimes)

this month has been full of activities, mystymayhem sure knows how to give me a run for my money in october. she does not EVEN fuck around. she managed to put together another successful "ghouls night out" this year. our evening involved jockomo pizza for a dinner meet-up with like 20 of her worshippers (lots of fresh meat this year!) & they had the CUTEST topping combos i've ever seen. there was even a "slaughterhouse five" pizza named in honor of vonnegut himself. so the pizza joint got sexy points from me. & thennnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn, just a block over & across the street from jockomo pizza was the irvington ghost tour at the lazy daze coffee shop that mysty had taken the initiative to set up for us. IT WAS THE BEST THING THAT COULD EVER HAPPEN ON A GHOUL'S NIGHT OUT. 15 bucks got you a book of the haunted history of irvington, as well as a well guided, 2 hour walking tour of the community led by the author of the book you receive at the beginning of the tour. he is an actual ghost hunter & was more than happy to brag that he was doing it "before ghost hunting became cool". so we all trolloped aboot this gorgeous middlesex-ish looking town with the leaves crunching under our feet & the moonlight & lanterns the guides held to guide us. there were so many lovely stories & it was such a beautiful night.

when that was over half of the girls/ghouls had to bail since it was getting late, but the rest of us headed to the asylum house, where we went last year with the hopes of getting felt up by jack the ripper. no such luck tho, he wasn't there this year. but it was still fun, & an annual ritual well worth re-living. there were some new set ups & ideas, but less pop out actors coming to grab you & carry you away. it makes me wonder how similar this haunted house experience is in comparison to the "sleep no more" one that mordicai speaks so fondly of. i'm sure it pales in comparison, but at the same time, the spooky/sexual interaction situations that go on maybe? oh heck, i don't even know. I JUST KNOW I WANT TO GO SO BAD

getting off subject too much is soooooooo my thing to do.

so yeah, our night was over after that, mysty & i got to enjoy each other's company on the drive home. (we even got to see a shooting star together!) it's nice to have her all to myself sometimes? she's good with a crowd tho, unlike me. i don't even know how i am NOT going to wig out at our book launch in two weeks. she's going to have to coach me big time, i am TERRIBLE with crowds! get your tomatoes ready ladies & gentlemen!

i am kind of fangirling out over here about mysty & i being able to book our event at lazy daze, even. it's the same spot we started our ghost tour at & it's smack dab in the middle of historic downtown indy. there's going to be all kinds of halloweeny action going on that day too, so again, i am shocked that jeff is letting us do it. BUT EXCITED. we are going to take turns reading excerpts of our story to whoever shows up & then have our books available to purchase for anyone interested in dropping 2 tens on the table. initially i was just going to have my kids stay home & have snookms come on his own because there isn't a whole lot i can read of my story without traumatizing them for life, but i found some choice paragraphs i can chop up so that they can partake of the festivities. my heart would not be in it if my babies couldn't make it!

the college-front is going decent these days, i have a pretty well established study schedule that i more or less stick to & it is getting me the results i want. i was kind of bummed that i only got a B on my last paper in ENG111; it was a review of "the soulforge" & i wound up spending too much time explaining shit rather than critiquing, (something i am notorious for) which was the whole point of the paper, so i got points off for that. my professor included the note, "my wife reads these books, i on the other hand am not a fan"... so i was like "oh, FINE, be that way!"

but it's cool. a B is a B is a B is a B. i'm just used to effortlessly scoring A papers in that class & got a little too careless. my next paper is a problem/solution essay & i'm doing it on the drop out rate in indiana... it will be more of a challenge but i'm looking forward to it.

managed to score a B on my 2nd math test, despite the fact that my professor likes to berate us on tha regz in the classroom setting. he didn't yell at any of the students the last session, but none of us were brave enough to ask questions or piss him off this time. so he was a happy little camper.

my greatest accomplishment this week was in biology; i got a 92 on the lecture portion of our 2nd exam, & 100% on the lab. i knew i did well, but i wasn't sure if i got all of them right. the process of elimination is really on my side when i'm in unchartered territory, i s'pose. i studied the heck outta the chapter on bones, as well as the muscular-skeletal system & whatnot. also the cardiovascular system is & will always be my motherfucking jam, so i had a lot of that already committed to memory from 9 year old me fantasizing of becoming a heart surgeon. i had the human body model (both pregnated & non-pregnated versions to boot) & would take the little heart out almost every night before I went to bed & mentally make love to the atriums, chambers, & ventricles of that thing. i can still smell the fumes of testors modeling paint like it was just yesterday.

well, i'm off to bed, i've gotta get up earlier than usual to meet up at kid conferences early in the am, & then there is the therapy that i have neglected to show up for in the past 2 months. i've got some serious catching up to do with mother katherine...

once upon a hallow's eve...

current mood:

currently listening to: a place to belong -little dragon

currently watching: carrie (1976)

3 little girls playing in my closet, like a dream come true. they find all my things, my precious, precious articles.

out my clothes billow, in piles heaped upon my bed. i want to object, because the mess. but i let go. i let them play.

because i watch them with an ache in my heart so hidden & ancient. once upon a time i was one of them. they unearth my bloody maid costume. they each take turns trying it on. i do not object, but my heart cries, because i love them so much for their innocence. i will not rob them of that. it is far more precious than they will ever know.

they look so pretty in my things. so many of my parts want to devour them whole in their ability to be so unknowingly beautiful & sexual. it is the demon in me that has been passed down from my father, & his father's father. i am in need of a shaman, because sometimes masochism isn't always the heaviest dosage. tho neither is sadism, & so, here i am, caught in a paradigm, of watching myself through others & learning from their graceful movements.

my vast collection of boots are tried on & they too are thrown in the heaping pile. i smile at the novice click-clack that resonates from the overly confident 12 and 13 year old footsteps as they only act out what they think they see. they are simply a projection of their counterparts.

they never knew the details of what went on behind the scenes; beyond the curtain of act I, II, or III.

& the Protector in me will make for damn sure they never have to play the part.

eventually they all meander out from my room, satisfied with their final choices.

one saunters out, all silly. dusting things with my bloody feather duster. the black & white costume only adds to the endearingly macabre of cuteness. i let her giggle & be herself. who knows how long anyone will ever let her do that again?

another takes cerebral strides, donning a geisha like gown of blues, blacks, & yellows. she whispers to me she'll be a zombie geisha. my heart beams at her creativity, but also cries out for it's loss at that opportunity. i let her too have her moment of bliss.

the third is wearing a pink & black ruffled dress. one even the grown up in me hasn't had the audacity to wear. she possesses just the right amount of innocence in it to pull my heart out of the argument of letting her wear it. it suits her just fine & the smile behind those eyes is one of pure joy. i don't ever remember allowing myself that at her age. i want it for her.

why it has taken me so long to come to where i am today, i will never be sure of. but i'm certainly glad i am here, ready to stake a claim for my brethren. they are free & i am proud to have fought the war for their freedom.

yukiko-chan's dream

current mood: women writing the weird
currently listening to: old man -neil young
currently watching: lords of dogtown

the last dream i remember feeling (& not having) is from a week ago. i went to bed feeling really cold; i was shivering. i grabbed snookms' brother's old ivy tech hoodie & curled up in bed. i guess i was shivering so bad that it affected my dream? i was walking on this desert mountain, but it was filled with townfolk, very urban-esque looking. snookms, the kids & i were walking on the fault line of some legendary shit, & then i felt vibrations in my legs, really bad. they were so strong they hurt. then i began to feel them in my heart & in my arms, but when i looked to my surroundings there was no evidence of an earthquake. & then we all realized the earth was bleeding, & it was tearing us up from the inside, out, since we were all extensions of the earth. i looked around & then the vibrations came out in sounds that shook only the trees but nothing else. cicadas came out & had bowls attached to their proboscis, almost giving them the appearance of wearing gas masks, except they were gold. they flew overhead & poured the substance that was in their bowls over everyone in the mountain-town. they were floating letters in an undecipherable language & i knew what was happening. but i really don't! but in my dream i did! the vibrations became so intense that it woke me from the dream & i bolted awake feeling all traumatized. it was like the cicadas were stuck in my legs now & they kept making them vibrate. not going to lie here, i was freaked the heck out. but you know how it is when you wake up from a dream, you're all like, "mannnnnnn, that was so. fucked. up!" & then BLONK! you're right back to snoozing away.

i love dreams. i love hearing about other people's dreams. i even love nightmares (excepts snookms' nightmares, because he scares the shit out of everyone when he has them). i had this re-occurring dream about lo pan, from big trouble little china? from like, the time that i was in high school all the way up until my early thirties. i'd be walking around in chinatown, wearing this miniskirt & some high heels. & he'd bust out from some corner & start chasing me & i couldn't run good because of my high heels & corner me and lift my miniskirt up & sodomize me. I HATED LO PAN FOR A VERY LONG TIME GUYS.

soooooooo. there's that. i keep forgetting to talk about seeing super 8. super 8 was a great fucking movie that i hearted a whole fucking lot! it was basically iron giant meets goonies. so, so, sooooooooooo perfect. & elle fanning is super fucking cute in zombie make up! you should totally watch it if you grew up in the seventies & sometimes miss the weird lighting & the oranges & greens that accompany that decade. they really went into some detail i could seriously appreciate in order to capture that feel of the post-hippie vibe. & the alien thing at the end, iron giant guys! i'm telling you, it's great!

snookms & i also saw drive, which was a let-down on ryan gosling's part, for me. hey man, i actually LIKE hearing him talk, which he did so very little of. i have a review that i wrote in ENG111 about it. might post it on tumblr sometime since one of my follower buddies is all butthurt about not being able to see it yet. i'm like, dude. trust me, you didn't miss much. (much)

on the women writing the weird front, yesssssssss, i know i'm promo-ing the fuck out of it on facebook, but dang! i'm excited! so sorry if that is annoying. there are a lot of ladies involved in this project, & they are doing their darndest to help spread the word about it too. supposedly, there are two females that may get a panel open for promotion at fantasy con? & then wendy, who is such a doll, is doing a launch in scotland! so. rad. again, if you're interested in reading my story, it's in the first section, second to last story. it's titled, "a stray child". also, mysty's is in there as well, hers I believe, is in the second section (there are 3 total, categorized by each story's particular "weirdness") & it's titled "the scene changes". pre-orders are available at the moment & should be ready to ship in late october.

(cover art by LushLynx)

in other news, i am so overwhelmingly excited about all the new shows on tv that i've been watching! doctor who is my new favourite, which snookms & i watch together. on saturday evenings, we'll either go out on a dinner date just he & i, or with the kiddoes too, & then we come home, slip into our jammies & watch it together. i think it's so cute that he's into it. & i can always tell when he's into something when he tries to predict what's going to happen at the end of the show, & he's usually right. our fav eps so far are "the girl who waited" & the "praise him" one, "god complex" is it? i got to watch the dollhouse ep & one of the weeping angel eps (so. fucking. perfect. i.....i want angel dust in my eye!)

there is also big bang theory, & community. but i have to wait to watch community on demand, because i have math class the nights it comes on. s'kay tho! 2001: a space odyssey homages don't happen everyday. my dad & i have a super-special connection with that movie. he said when he saw it in theaters as a teenager that it changed his life; his whole perspective on everything, really. he had me watch it when i was around 10 or 11, one of those nights when i was either sick, or couldn't sleep. it was a special father-daughter sci-fi bonding moment. we have a lot of those!

i can't really think of anything else. i'm doing pretty great in all my classes so far, & that is why i'm hardly on the internet anymore. my paper for ENG111 got an A (i wrote about the jucifer concert), then an A on the public speaking exam & a B on my first speech. uhmmmm, i got a B on my math exam (woohooooo, i guess a lot of people didn't do so good on it?) & then an A on my lecture exam for biology & a B for the lab test. not too shabby for the beginning of the semester, ya?

the ring, the sword, & the unicorn

current mood: killer rabbit, run away! run away!
currently listening to: fuck the universe -craft
currently watching: my life flash before my eyes



all the pieces are in their proper position
the knight can strike each taint only once
while the queen does all the work
& the king only layeth in his filth
hail the ways that lead beyond the cosmos
did She ever know her hatred is the key
to my twisted & blackened heart?
death will not welcome me
because i will govern its branches
& uproot its beginnings
i am the dark creature
i come through these barriers to claim Her
forsake your light-bearing ways
& forget what you have been crafted unto
it is useless to fight against me

i can almost hear you scream

current mood: orestes -a perfect circle
currently watching: phantasm 2



footsteps fall on a blackened, tree covered floor
somewhere in my mind i hear your voice, summoning me
black hands, black hair, black mane, & an even blacker voice commands me back to life
i am trained to do your bidding, tho my mind can't comprehend one fucking word you say
the spirit obeys again & again, and all i care about is the task you have set before me
i want to cut out my own heart & give it back to you, since you have succeeded in designing me
to be
... just like you ...
nothing i want to do is in convergence with what i Will to do
i am nothing but evil deep inside
but the holy light keeps shining through
a blade of unity to keep me bound to you for an eternity
i have learned to obey instead of walk away
somewhere, somehow, & at some point this will have been proven to be a fruitful strategy
for the plan of Chaos is no plan at all
i strike blindly, not ever revealing to my right hand what my left hand chooses to do
but Chaos is no master strategist
it's end is no end at all, no beginning ...
only rebirth & destruction
it is all i ever Will
& all Will i am never
for you are the way, the truth, & the light

ritual

current mood: suehiro maruo gif
currently listening to: weird tales -electric wizard
currently watching: jennifer's body



turns out i'm chatty on muscle relaxers! i've been having to take them every night before i go to bed since last week & you know what? i LIKE talking. i sometimes miss not having reservations.

i've been having neck pains off & on for years now & ever since school started back up for me & the kiddoes, there has been added stress i guess? i thought i was handling things pretty well, honestly. but it came out in a physical distress signal instead. so here i am, feeling good, feelin' fine.

today was super fun in biology class. i really dig my teacher too. she's short, old, & full of spunk. she loves to tell stories & is not afraid to talk about nasty, crazy, shock value shit. she brings it up in a funny way tho, & somehow manages to pull it off classy. i like her a lot. she has a super short pixie hair cut too, & it compliments everything about her. the first half of her class is just lecture, & then the second half we go in the lab, which i love doing. we get to work together with our classmates in groups which i realized i actually enjoy doing. i never have before! but i am kinda clueless in that class & it makes me feel so much better to realize most everyone else there is too & that we can band together to form a knowledge Voltron of disaster. today we were learning about molecular structure & how to read periodic tables. i liked drawing them & writing out the formulas. & then we got to mess around with a bunch of solutions & measure their pH balance. the cabbage juice we got to use was a really pretty shade of purple & i wanted to put some in a vial & secretly drink it. GROSS.

there is this guy that sits across from me in lab & he is HELLA FUCKING BUFF. but he's so quiet & not like the "hey y'all come look at my bi-ceps" kind of a dude at all. & i hate to throw this term around so loosely, but he is what one might classify as the "nerdy" type, & not in the new way that everyone & they gran-maw-maw likes to claim they are these days. basically he reminds me of what napoleon dynamite would look like if he had washboard abs & straight blonde hair. that is a really hard thing to visualize, i know! but if you saw him, you would get it, i think. but yeah, anyway. i thought for sure he was on top of his game in class but when we got to get in groups today we were both talking about how lost we felt. the teacher talks so fucking fast! & then muscle-man said that he thought this was just going to be a class about the human body & i was all "i know right?" but then said it will be eventually, these are just some of the preliminaries & then he opened up his binder & busted out this old school looking muscular tissue chart of the human body & was all, "see!" like he was loud & proud about it. i dunno. i just thought it was cute. in a napoleon dynamite way.

what else... ohhhhhhh. the whole "Women Writing the Weird" anthology thing is creeping up on me. it's due to be released sometime in October, i believe. some of the females have already begun the process of promoting, Scotland (hiiiiiiiiiiiii Wendy!) being one of the places that at least one writer is from, & then a possible panel at the world fantasy con? mysty & i were talking the idea of our stories being shared across the world, in places we've only dreamed of being, & that we thought that was really neat shit to get all head-swellered about. i still can't believe we're being published in an antho together.
*le twirl*

snookms, the kiddoes & i went to see "don't be afraid of the dark" last saturday. it was very disappointing. it had so much potential to be a great movie & a great story that i thought for sure there was no way guillermo del toro could fuck up, but sure enough, (whether it's his fault or not) it sucked. the opening scene had me hoping for a theme that did not continue throughout the duration of the movie & by the time it was all over i was glad to be done with it. it was about evil faeries for christ's sake! HOW COULD YOU FUCK THAT UP?

i am all about seeing the remake of "the thing". & i really want to watch the new "fright night" too. & then "paranormal activity 3" is on the must see list. oh yeah, has anyone heard anything about the "lady in black" flick yet? i never thought daniel radcliffe was uber cute or anything but he looks totally suitable to me in this. i'd say it's like "lemony snickett" meets "the shining"? one can only hope! coming out in february, so we'll see...

i also forgot to say that my new math teacher for this semester looks like superman with grey/gray hair. he dresses like clark, acts like kent, but reminds me of jor el more than anything i guess. he's not sexy to me, but it's cool that he's all fit & still takes care of himself. he's not a very blunt fellow, likes to beat around the bush with everything. i don't take that as a bad thing neccessarily, i've just noticed about myself over the years that i have come to appreciate blunt honesty. i guess maybe because of having to live with & adapt to snookms for the last 15 years? & this teacher is not blunt. but it's okay, i can adapt to the different behavioral patterns of society.

lastly, i think i might be headed in the pastoral counseling direction for my career. at my last appointment with my therapist i asked a bunch of questions about what she does, because i want to do what she is doing, but i just don't want to limit my availability to only those of a religious faith. & mother katherine made it clear that that is not a requirement. & so the more questions i asked her about it, the more intrigued & excited i became about pursuing it. & i really like how she emphasized the point to me of a non-evangelical approach in how their system approaches clients, which is a very important thing for me. the last thing i want to do is the whole "turn or burn" dance. she even told me they stress that in the classes & instructors go out of their way to be informative in cultural upbringings as well as environmental factors. so who knows? i may be a pastoral counselor in my future, & i'm excited about the thought of it. set me up with the finest red robes y'all!

good night <3

throned in blood

current mood: dead to the world
currently listening to: dead to the world
currently watching: dead to the world



it's been over 24 hours since i saw jucifer live & i'm still in the kind of daze where all i want to do is talk about what i experienced. i mean! like, all day in class today, & even last night in my math class all i wanted to do was tell everyone, 'GUESS WAT I FUCKING SAW JUCIFER'. & i was so sad because the only person that would ever even care was mysty.

so i'll start by apologizing up front & center for the horrific fucking recording that i did on my camera phone of jucifer. Amber was so fucking tall & slanky that i thought positioning the camera would be an advantage, but it turns out it only ruined the visual sharing of what was experienced. & to be fair, i was just in complete fucking awe and my senses kind of went into shock so that anything that made sense to me pretty much went out the window for the rest of the night.

jucifer didn't even go on until 1 in the morning & i was in a super sleep haze because it was a school night & so ready to go home. but when Amber came out with this pitch black hooded cloak on, tinkering with her Wall o' Sound, me & mysty were all hush-hush & totally gawking. i mean, it was dark as fuck & she STILL had her hood draped over her head & would only peak her head out long enough to make sure all the amps & stacks & lights for the show were working up to par. i just kept thinking to myself, "I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS IS ACTUALLY GOING TO HAPPEN".

next thing you know, her husband, who is the drummer, comes out & starts testing out the drums. he's wearing some tight cut off hipster looking jean shorts & a tee shirt with his hat turned to the side. my tits & pussy just kind of melted when he started pounding away on his drum set. & the show hadn't even started yet.

finally Amber slinks off her hooded cloak to reveal this sleek, silk coven-esque looking dress that is blacker than the heart of nosferatu. her hair is a sickly pale blonde & is tied in two loosely braided piggy tails on each side of her head with black & white feathers dangling from the ends. her eyebrows are as black as motherfucking midnight & she just keeps her face covered with her hair the whole time. then she slings this metallic silver flying v around her body & starts wailing away on her axe. i look over & her man is screaming into the mic while he's blasting away on his drum set & i'm all like, "HOLY FUCK HE SINGS TOO???"

mysty has already seen jucifer live in bloomington, i was supposed to be with her,that night but shit happened & i had to cancel. so us seeing her together was like this heroin like ritual that we felt we absolutely had to engage in with one another. we take one last look at each other before shit started to get real & went in for the plunge.

so ... the whole tiny little stage goes dark, & then these green lasers start flailing all around Amber like some kind of crazy satanic-fairy haze & Amber is banging her head all the fuck over the place while she cranks out the most amazing drone i've ever heard in my life. it reminded me so much of sunn 0))) & my heart started beating so fast because it was everything i ever imagined it to be. she starts screaming into the mic while she's banging away on her axe & i look over at her husband & he is LITERALLY mouthing every fucking word she is singing & he has this mad look of fuck-passion on his face like there was not going to be a damn thing that got in the way of his expression of love for his wife's art. every word she screamed he had a gesture for like the song was etched into his the very essence of his soul & it was just like mysty described: you felt like you were intruding on some sort of intimate act, but you just couldn't look away. & you could tell he was in so much pain from beating the shit out of his set, but he wasn't going to let anything stop him from performing to his wife's expectations. & she had no doubt in his ability, not once did she look over at him in concern or doubt. he was so fully imbued with the vibe that he started punching his heads instead of beating them with his sticks. i about fainted from the erotic-ness of it all.

i also forgot to mention that while Amber was getting all her equipment ready that i saw her GREASING the neck of her guitar up like a well oiled cock. when she started actually playing i noticed that she was oiled up all the way to her forearms in that shit. & oh GOD did she need it for how spectacularly she was was wailing away. she was belting out these oldschool metallica sounding riffs that made me so jealous i started whimpering. at one point she turned completely around, facing away from the audience (mysty, werewolf, & i were smack dab in the front, inches away from her) & she gathers up the ends of her dress, gets on her knees & just starts belting away on her axe in this crazy, fucked up, masturbatory kind of trance, right in front of her Wall of Amps, just getting blasted away by her own music-made jism. out of the corner of my eye i see mysty's werewolf making homage gestures with his arms & mysty just nods in perfect agreeance. i love how mysty & eric were made for each other like that.

so like, i'm totally alone in the this experience in that "romantic" kind of sense, but i'm not sad about it at all because i felt like it was a very intimate thing for me. i know this sounds stupidly ridiculous & cliche, but i really feel like that whole night changed my outlook on life. i feel like, maybe there really are things & people & channels out there in sync totally with everything that makes me tick.

the drive home was like a dream, my hearing was totally massacred, even though mysty hooked me up with ear protection, & everything sounded like i was on the planet jupiter, sound traveling through time & space like spheres of liquid metal. i was able to put my brain on auto-pilot the whole ride home since mysty & eric said i could just follow them home in my own vehicle, so that is what i did. & i love how smoothly snookms' car rhythm flows once you get it in a good shifting trance. i rolled all the windows down & just let the humid midnight summer breeze hit me full force while i daydreamed of how beautifully black Amber's eyebrows were in contrast to how sickly pale her face & bleach-blonde hair was. & the way mysty's flawless complexion reflected the unholy light of that night so beautifully & perfectly.

that night has seriously made up for every shitty thing, for every heart-wrenching disappointment that has ever occurred in my life.

birthday blitz!

current mood: thor vs. loki
currently listening to: pieces of quiet -khanate
currently reading: the wasteland



oh, so hay guess what? snookms' vacation totally happened this week! & so did my 35th birthday & one of my brother's birthdays & then 2nd oldest's, & then sunday is snookms' 34th birthday. so. many. birthdays. yOU. GUISE.

i guess i'll start with my birthday, it came first. again, i was really feeling the birthday girl blues, but i'm over it. monday came with a fresh new outlook on life. i wanted to have a nice & clean smelling house, so i took joy in prettying the place up. wound up needing to make a trip up to supertarget for a few things & snookms offered to take over what i hadn't finished up. i really wanted to kick the sun's ass because it was killing my eyes & giving me a potential migraine headache. i am an allstar pro @ losing my shades tho, so i didn't have anything to protect my eyes. decided that needed to go on my list of things to purchase once i got to target. before i left to go i told snookms i wanted to try this new taiwan tea house restaurant in castleton for my birthday dinner right? well i get to target after all that gridlock bs & am like "fuck all of that, let's just go somewhere close". so we went to the chinese buffet on 10th. but by the time i get home from target i'm all drained from the sun beating MY ass. those 17 dollar sunglasses came a dollar too late i guess? so when i get home i don't want to do anything but lay in bed until i feel normal again. so while i am doing this snookms goes out & when he gets home i awaken to a box to my head with a picture of a girl running on it. so i'm all "oh hey! snookms bought me a pedometer since i am all up on the staying in shape front now?" & pass out again for a minute. then i remember registering the word "sprint" in my head & then i'm all "oh! that's an effing fancy cell phone right there!" snookms got me an android. i've not ever had a super fancy phone like that so i was really excited to have technology at my fingertips. it was a touchscreen & i didn't realize that at first; i kept trying to slide the keyboard out, haha! but then snookms came sauntering in the bedroom & showed me all the ropes since he already has a smart phone. at first i thought he had the victory fanfare ringtone from ff7 put on my phone, but that was just his phone ringing with the personal ringtone he had set up for me. i got a big kick out of that & it sort of flung me out of my "i'm sick please feel sorry for me depression". it's the little things you guys!

after that we all made it out to the buffet. i didn't eat a whole lot because i didn't want to get attacked by that migraine again. i even avoided playing around with my new phone for too long so as to avoid it's return. after that i was in the mood to be one with nature (i usually get that away just before the sun goes down these days) & so we headed out toward avon park. didn't make it in time tho, it closes a 9 & it was right on the dot when we got there. & i forgot to tell you guys all about the last time we went there a week or so ago. there was these folks out there practicing their martial arts, two older guys specifically were in the "bark" (which is actually recycled tires instead of wood that are cut into tiny pieces that have been made to look like bark) doing all kinds of amazing backflips. i was cheering them on while shespawn & i were on the swings & we totally got a free show from them. this dood was doing backflips off some 12 foot playground equipment! & he was trying to teach his friend/pupil how to do backflips & what not to do when doing when. i mean he was so elegant that he'd be all, "see, i USED to do it like this" (insert less than perfect formation) "but now i do it like THIS" (insert perfection). i walked over to where snookms was shooting hoops with the other 2 spawn & told them about this awesomeness & of course they wanted to see it for themselves. then we all walked back over to them & i introduced the family, asked questions & asked if he could show off some of his moves. he was super friendly & knew exactly what moves to pull off to bring out the "oohs & ahhs" from us. i guess he is in charge of some kind of gym that helps to keep kids out of trouble & was teaching/prepping them for some show he's getting ready to put on for the public. i wished him well in his journey & gave him encouragement. i wish i would've remembered to ask for some kind of website or something, he was really great. but i digress, this was again, last week's events. nothing happened this time since the park was closed so i think i remember us just driving around for an hour or so. we came home & i made peach dumplings from a pancake mix i got online. the failure here was in my forgetting to remember how gross nutmeg is. so the batch i made the next day came out better since i remembered to eliminate that fucking ingredient.

the next day was a haze, except for me thumbing through the last bit of mordicai's book"the wasteland". my nose has been buried in that book off & on since last week, i've been excited to get to the ending of it, tho i haven't quite made it yet. i'm on page 187 where lovely Gillick is having to fight off the attack of ogres & a giant acid leaking snail. i have this to say so far, i really like how mordicai introduces the element of surprise in the book. i really don't see the shit coming, & when it does i'm like "whoa holy fuck, i didn't even predict that at all!" & i really enjoy that a lot. & i also like the way he uses vampires in his books. they scare me & mystify me & glamour me the way they used to! woohoo to that. so that is what i'll say about that for now.

as the hour grew late the turner party became restless & so we set out to go driving once again & then next thing you know we end up in greenwood @ movies8 to see "thor". & see, here is the thing about that movie. i see a shitty preview & typically i don't get phased by those too much. but something just told me not to trust my instinct to see it anyway. so i held off. & then when we saw it i was kind of mad for listening to myself to not listen to myselfffffffffffff. pretty dumb, right? i really enjoyed that movie a lot. loki & the frost giants were what made my night the mostest, & then thor being cut like nobody's business. & you know what? i had no complaints whatsoever about idris elba as heimdall.



i think he is an eloquent actor & sexy as all get out. especially when he was laura linney's part time lover in "the big c".

wednesday was set aside for snookms dr. appt with the surgeon @ clarian west, he needed to get a second opinion on whether or not his suspicions were to be confirmed that he had a hernia. & guess wut you guys? he doesn't have a hernia, HE HAS 3. yes, can you fucking believe that shit? i am so glad i went to that appointment with him, because i would have had no clue exactly what all this meant for him. he has to get surgery now & it's going to take him 4 weeks to fully recover. so like, he has a hernia in his belly button (which has explained away his most adorable but ever so sensitive "outie" all these years, the doc even confirmed this shit) & two other hernias resting neatly on each opposite of his belly button. i've always been a fan of symmetry, y'know!?!? i am telling you all right now, it was everything in my power i had to muster up to not pass out from the doctor opening up the hernia brochure to show us what exactly had happened to my snookms. it was like looking at a fucking brochure about akira. & then explaining the surgery is basically explaining how you fix a flat on a bicycle. you get some mesh, & just patch that fucker up (for the ones with symmetry, anyhow). the belly button one will require the doctor to sew the muscle back up where it has torn, before anymore of poor ol' snookms guts come spilling out. so this has been a real stress on me, worrying about snookms everytime he clutches his stomach. he shared with me that he has suspected this for years, now that he's read up on it. he thought all along it was just some re-ocurring cramp from lifting so many heavy things when he used to frame houses for a living, which he's been doing since he was fucking 15 years old & all the way up until just last year getting hired at this new city job he has. such a scary thing, man.



snookms promised to me that he was okay to go to the kings island trip his mom wanted to treat us to on thursday, so we went. i knew he would be more bummed if we didn't go anyway, so i just kept reminding myself of that whenever i started to worry. we had a lot of fun there, & snookms took the pain medicine the dr. prescribed, which he claims makes him feel "stupid". i think that helped take any edge off he might have been experiencing. the first coaster i got to ride with snookms when we got there was the firehawk, & that was a pretty decent ride. the mechanics of it have you going from a sitting position to a lying down one, & then you are going head first into the coaster, which disables you from seeing a whole lot of what is in front of you. but i stuck my little head out like a good little kender would to see what adventure lay ahead & it was funner that way. after that i just kind of stayed with whoever in the party was not down for the spinning rides, since they make me puke my brains out. we went on the log water rides which are always great & then spent a good portion of the day in boomerang bay where they have a wave pool that simulates the ocean's movement. the other kids ran off & got in the 2 hour lines for waterslides but i was perfectly content with bobbing up & down in the pretend ocean. we met up with everyone in the parking lot for a sandwich lunch & snookms had fun blasting the best of skid row & forcing his brother to have flashbacks of their childhood together. it was really cute to see snookms & his brother singing along to "youth gone wild" & never missing a beat. it's like seeing two picture perfect housewives doing "the donnas" karaoke.

& so that leads us to friday. snookms, jr. & i had a date w/ the special needs coordinator at mike jr's school since he is making the transition from jr. high to high school this year. we were able to get his schedule & a more in depth tour of the school so that he would be a little more familiar with his surroundings. & let me just say thank GOD for shit like this, because back when i was going to school these kinds of opportunities were just not available for us. or at least if they were, i was not made aware of them. because believe me, i would have taken up on them in a heartbeat. anxiety tore me in fucking knots because of not being able to better understanding my potential surroundings.

when that was done & over with we came home for a bit & by then i was pretty emotional. i get this way every year when it finally sinks in for me that my kids are getting older. i also miss them very much when they go back because they are some of my best friends in life, so my heart remembers that too. i cried on snookms' shoulder for a little bit about that & he was the total gentleman he always is when it comes to me crying & it helped me a lot. once that was addressed we met up with snookms sister to give her back her daughter since she asked to spend the night with shespawn after the kings island trip. then we went out to zionsville & got pizza at my favouritest pizza joint ever, "amore's". they have pepperoni stuffed breadsticks that taste like how i would imagine the word "beautiful" to taste if ever it could be tasted.

after that we all did some school supply shopping at "big lots" & then clothes & shoe shopping at "shoe carnival" & "rue21". both the places were packed like sardines so we tried to get out of there quickstyle.

made it home to relax, home, sweet, home. how we miss you when we are gone away from you for more than a day! snookms & i got right into our jammies & played the "hey, wanna spend the night?" game, which basically entails me asking him to call his parents & ask if we can have a sleepover & then him saying okay & then me saying "what are we gonna do" & then him saying all the fun stuff we already do, like watch "burn notice" or "transformers cartoons" & eat fruity pebbles & build forts. i always crack up really hard when he says all this cos he says it like he's 5 & its kind of cute in a really goofy way.

& now it's 5:08 in the morning & it is officially my 2nd oldest's bday.

malice in wonderland

current mood: you & your friends are dead. game over
currently listening to: i hate the human race -grief
currently reading: the wasteland

• 2 more days until I turn 35.
• getting ready to read some more of the ms for the Women Writing the Weird anthology.
• the other writers are blowing my mind.
• Adam & Deb say they're working on a Halloween-ish date for the release.
• my hair is back to its usual blue/black. also, freshly shaved.
• starting to get some birthday girl blues, but oh well.

not a soc

current mood: raise your weapon
currently listening to: blue skied an' clear -slow dive
currently back to reading: the wasteland



so like, i just remembered some other things i totally wanted to talk about that i forgot about in my last post.

my moms bday. my dad & i drove out to Eduardo's, this filipino restaurant that i found out about when i was on a mad internet hunt for goldilocks venues to appease my mom. i got fed up when i realized that goldilocks only exists in california & the philippines, so when i googled 'filipino restaurants in indianapolis' this was literally the only thing that popped up. about a 20 minute drive from our house, so it was worth coaxing snookms into venturing out. i guess the place is mostly a fried chicken joint that sells filipino food on the side? the day before my mom's bday, snookms & i went to scope the place out. not a fancy place at all, but not terrible either. it prolly wasn't the best place to throw a birthday shenanigan (i really hate that word for some reason) but i figured we could always bring the food to my mom & surprise her for her bday with it, so that is what we did the next day. it was a nice surprise to realize halo-halo is served there too, because my mom is nuts about that dessert. its basically an ice cream sundae served filipino style, is the way my mom has always explained it? shaved ice, jack fruit, evaporated milk, leche flan (some kind of carmelized sauce i think?) ,coconut & these little things that look & taste just like green rice crispies called pinipig. my dad ordered a huge serving of pancit for the whole family, some pork adobo, shanghai lumpia, and the infamous filipino version of the shishkabob which i didn't get to try any of because everybody tore that up quickstyle once it got served at my mom & dad's house. we also got my mom a cake that said, "Maligayang Bati sa Iyong Kaarawan!", which of course translates to "Happy Wishes on Your Birthday!".

my mom seemed really touched by everything. she has this way of saying thank you that makes you want to go the extra mile, all day & every day, y'know? she's just so full of gratitude & it's super gratifying. i mean, i'll like do something as simple as scrub a skidmark off their toilet & she'll make me feel like i just laid my coat out over a puddle, gentlemen renaissance style & all. no doubt!

also! i was able to order my books for this next upcoming semester. it has got me really excited for this school year, not only for me, but for my kids & snookms too. jr. got his schedule today & i can't believe he is going to be a freshman this year. OHGOD. & i'm going to be 35 years old in a coupla days too. ohgodOHGODohgod. not because i feel old, but because its just all going by so fast!

last night we all actually sat together as a family & rented "Limitless" on demand. i thought it was going to be this dumb hipster shit that was going to bore me 5 minutes into the movie, but you know what? it really was some hipster shit prolly, but I WASN'T BORED. i was into it intensely & even predicted the ending. i think i tend to like movies better when i can figure them out & nobody else in my vicinity saw it coming, y'know? so HA!

ooooooooooooooooooooh yeaaaaah, I ALMOST FORGOT. shespawn showed me the trailer last night, but i was ridiculously excited about the newest Paranormal Activity trailer. the whole time i watched part 2 last year i kept thinking to myself how great it would be if they went there, & they DID, THEY DID! so hooray for October y'all!

one last thing real quick, i was able to explain to snookms the manic side of bi-polar due to the movie's portrayal of the whole "limitless" perspective. it's just like that, you feel like you understand everything so clearly & that you are capable of anything & everything. it all just goes together like the most perfect puzzle you ever could piece together. i was so happy to be able to convey that to snookms for some reason, & the movie just got me all amped up like i wanted some NZT-48. but sometimes i get it fo' free, ya heard?! fringe benefits of being manic-depressive i s'pose?

good things

current mood:
currently listening to:
currently watching:





got this feeling
when i heard your name the other day
couldn't say it
couldn't make it go away
it's a hard place
can't be friends we can't be enemies
it's just too much
i feel the weight crushing down on my face

the hardest part is things already said
getting better worse i cannot tell
why do good things never wanna stay
some things you lose some things you give away

broken pieces
try and make it good again
is it worth
it will it make me safe today?
it's a dumb song
but i'll write it anyway
it's an old mistake
but we always make it why do we

this time it'll be alright
this time it'll be okay