currently listening to: haunt me -arab strap
it's been really easy to feel things lately. to like, have emotions that are intense. i've been feeling more irritability, more joy, & more sadness, than i have in a long time. i conditioned myself over time to not let those emotions get the best of me, because they had for so many years of my life, & i really wanted to stop making an ass of myself.
NEWSFLASH RACHEL: YOU STILL ARE GREAT AT MAKING AN ASS OUT OF YOURSELF
i dunno tho. i don't even care anymore honestly. i'm getting too old for facades. let me eat my protein bar & drink my stevia-seasoned coffee with almond milk & be on my merry way. WHATEVER.
i thought that maybe going to school & pursuing a degree in something i had always hoped & dreamed of doing would take some of the fire out of my heart. & it did for a while, but it didn't extinguish the hatred permanently like i thought & hoped it would. i think the only hope i have for myself is accepting that it exists in me & to know when i need to allow it to be my driving force, & when it needs to take a backseat & allow my Utopian like tendencies to take the reigns. but like, i dunno, hasn't my hatred always been part of my idealistic future? i guess i allowed myself to think unrealistically about this part of myself, as if it was okay to just abandon it & pretend that it didn't exist. if i recall correctly, that's what got me in the mess i was in the first place. in my Utopia, IT IS GREAT TO HATE <3
i've been getting butthurt by so many things lately tho, & it's been really hard to let go & move on. burying myself in my studies has helped a lot, & going on the occasional tumblr binge & purge, but then there's these quiet moments where the voices come alive & i'm ready to fight to the death.
also, i'm sincerely grappling with the concept of becoming a mitigation specialist. it just recently occurred to me that i could be happy pursuing that kind of an occupation. sociology has bewitched me, body & soul you guys.
