black orchid

current mood:

currently listening to: overworld theme -ultima-exodus

currently watching: hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy

i miss staying up late, struggling to keep our eyes open while the glow of the television, with all the lights turned off, burned 8-bit images into our retinas. forever enabling in us , a heartfelt pang of inexplicable and fragmented desire for things no longer of this earth. always afraid we descended too deep, the soundtrack of those caverns caused in us a panic that led to an irrational sense of misdirection. above ground, we were safe once we got to town. you got in so much fucking trouble, for being a smartass, for playing nintendo too much, and for showing your bare ass to us. you even eventually got me in trouble, because i was influenced by your behavior.

& i loved every second of it.

the castle theme, when heard, will always bring solace ... while ambrosia will always creep me the fuck out. that is, unfortunately, where the party was always at. you knew things were looking up though, when you got your sea legs.

regardless, we'll always have the mark of kings.

goodnight <3

(you outta be proud that i'm getting good marks)

current mood:

currently listening to: needle in the hay -elliot smith

currently watching: my cat from hell

today i woke up in a really good mood. i didn't wake up until 1 in the afternoon, and it felt really good to get a decent night's sleep. i took a muscle relaxer before i went to bed since my neck has been giving me problems again, so that must have helped. i avoid taking them on school nights because last time i tried doing that i wound up sleeping through the alarm and the kids were all super late for school.

i'm trying to read the first chapters for all my classes next week. so far i have the first chapter read in my cultural anthropology book, my cultural diversity in the u.s. book, & half of the first chapter read in my intro to human services book. i still need to finish reading that, & then the first chapter in my lifespan development book. the subject i am most excited about learning is lifespan development, but the class i am most excited to attend is cultural diversity. it's the honors class, & i am kinda nervous because this is an all new experience to me, but more than anything i guess i am looking forward to it.

i helped snookms' sister clean some remodeled apartments over off of pendleton pike on the east side the other day at the last minute. she texted me around 4 in the afternoon asking if i knew of anyone that needed some cash & wanted to work, & even though i wasn't dying for cash i knew we could use it, so i told her i'd be there around six, and worked straight through until midnight. we cleaned 3 apartments which wasn't too bad considering it was my first time doing those apartments. the worst part was cleaning the tubs in the bigger bathrooms, because the construction workers left them looking pretty gross.

yesterday i drove to the gas station down the street to get some soda for the kids before they got home from school & there was a stand-up dildo strategically placed on the sungate sign that sits at the entrance of our subdivision. i thought it was pretty fucking hilarious & was dying to know who did it. it was gone this afternoon, though, & i was actually kind of glad because that IS kinda moded to have a dildo greeting everyone coming into our neighborhood. not the best first impression to make.

my cat from hell is on & i actually really love this show. the cat whisperer seems to be a really good listener & makes good inferences in order to best help the cat from hell's personal situations. cat psychology 101 should've been my jam.

i guess i'm gonna go now because i ran out of shit to talk about.

happy birthday to me

current mood:

currently listening to: dracula -gorillaz

currently watching: game of thrones

oh god i am so wide awake right now. i'm rewatching the game of thrones season 2 marathon on hbo. well, actually it's just playing as white noise in backround as i sit & stare off into space. i can't seem to stay focused on anything for too long. i finally sat down and watched both seasons of game of thrones a few weeks ago, so i'm not as into watching it as i was before. but yes, oh so good. i loved watching every second of it and wasn't bored with any of the story. typically there is one perspective of the story telling that i get bored with hearing about but every character i found equally intriguing. like i was telling some friends on facebook, even though i love tyrion & arya bunches, i really found myself attached to cersei & jon snow. i think it's mostly because of the inner conflict they both seem to outwardly play off as if there is no such thing, even though they appear to be kind of polar opposites?

so like, a lot has happened since my birthday a few weeks ago. i am 36 years old, & can you believe it but i truly did lose track of my own age these past few years? i felt embarrassed that i really didn't know my own age, & was seriously telling people i was 35 or 34 or 33 when i was a year older or younger or i don't even know anymore. i guess after 30 you really do lose track? not because i feel old or unaccounted for, i just stopped keeping count. i also am terrible with remembering numbers. i don't even ever know my brothers exact ages, which i sometimes feel ashamed to admit. i do know their birthdays though, which is quite a feat for me. i wonder what causes that kind of mixed up thinking, almost a kind of disassociation with regard to numerals, which i don't like at all. i'll have to investigate that further...

so for my birthday i just wanted to pig out at penn station with snookms & the kids & then go see the amazing spiderman, so that is what we did. shelling out the cash for those two events costs nearly $100 fat ones for the 5 of us, and that is typically the limit that snookms & i try to stay at for each of our birthday events. spiderman was okay i guess. i really liked the new spiderman, & emma stone was alright too, but i was disappointed in lizard man. i'm not comparing it with the other spiderman movies that previously came out, both had their good and bad points, i guess i am just not putting one on top of the other as far as which i liked better. both of them had really derpy moments, but also had some breathtakingly cool scenes as well.

either way, it was fun just getting out with snookms and the kiddoes. we don't get out to see movies and get something to eat together as a family nearly as much as we used to since we took the paycut with the job snookms has now, but positive aspects far outweigh the negative ones. snookms not being constantly tired, snookms not being constantly taken for granted by ungrateful contractors, snookms not being abused by absurdly high and low outdoor temperatures, and snookms having a retirement and insurance are far better than snookms & co. having enough money to go to the movie theater every weekend any day of the week.

let's see, ... shespawn & i did slip out just the two of us to see moonrise kingdom a few weeks ago. she had some graduation money that my mom & dad had given her & wanted to use some of it to pay for tickets, so we did just that & it was a great time. that movie is really cute and i couldn't stop thinking about how perfect it was. this might sound really weird but it reminded me of what it might have been like when mordicai met jenny. i dunno, go see it & tell me what you think dude! RENEGADE BOY SCOUT

oh, oh, ohhhhhh! my paper did get accepted to the atrium, i don't remember if i said anything about that or not yet, it's been a while since i last wrote here. i've written small, vague entries that pertain to no one and no thing but my own personal bullshit, misery, or musings since then, but i just couldn't be bothered to talk about anything in great detail or with any sort of emotional investment then. so you see, my paper has been accepted, and will be published in the fall, and it'll be the first student paper to have been accepted there. the editor i became somewhat close with in our emails back & forth said that she would like to continue taking student submissions on a yearly basis and publishing one annually. this also sparked an interest in the possibility of me presenting my paper at the Indiana College English Association conference this year, and the editor asked if i would submit a summary of it to be considered. when i got the email that my summary had been accepted i felt like i won the fucking lottery. i'll be presenting at the end of October, the same day that the new Silent Hill movie is being released. FML, right? no, actually, i'm looking forward to it because most likely snookms & the kiddoes are going to tag along & we're going to make a family adventure out of it as much as we possibly can. & my campus is working to find a way to fund the trip for us since the editor said that, "the fact that my paper was chosen to present at the conference gives not only me high points, but my professor, as well as my campus". "toot-toot!" goes my very loud and shame filled horn.

it's weirrrrrrrrrrrrd that it still feels like my birthday has been celebrated every day to some degree or another, even though more than two weeks have gone by since. each new day some surprise around the corner that makes me appreciate having another day to be alive.

one of the biggest and sweetest of surprises was the anniversary orchids snookms bought me 2 years ago regrowing new flowers. there hadn't been any more flower growth since the first ones wilted away, and just within the last two days 3 of them came blooming into life. this plant has already gotten me emotionally attached, just like all the othe breeds that snookms & i have come across over the years. this one long & leafy cactus like plant had a spike shaped pink flower growing from the middle of it lived for at least 5 years, and when it finally said goodbye snookms & i were both super depressed & totally went into plant denial, pretending it was still alive and watering everyday for months. we do that you know.

another cool surprise was how much i wound up liking the movie prozac nation. there is a large handful of 90's media that i missed out on, on account that snookms & i became both newlyweds and parents one after the other. we also got our own place and had this all happen within a 2 month time frame so that left us with very little interest in keeping up with the joneses at that time. but uhmmm, apparently this movie was one of the few movies that i was like, "oh gosh christina ricci movie! where have you been all my life?!" kind of deals. i loved the movie to pieces & i think what moved me the most was the lou reed scene & the piece wurtzel wrote about that concert that won the rolling stone magazine award. & then how she treated, handled & talked about the loss of her virginity. if i could ever identify with anyone's experience, her reaction in the movie depicted exactly how i felt in my own loss. the soundtrack kind of tore my heart in half with reawakening ... the songs were ones that i had heard from so long ago, fragments half-assedly etched into my memory as a child, what with my dad's melancholy-like state of being, and then never to be heard again until seeing this particular movie. the replacements' "i will dare" hit me so hard emotionally that time stopped momentarily. everything about that song is me, & my dad, and everything else would be history. it hurts to remember things so vividly, both in regard to the positive & the negative. & so even though i had felt that awkward pretentious feel that autobiographies have the tendency of having, the movie was an enjoyable surprise for me. in the past i had assumed it would be a movie that i would care less about watching, but i was wrong.

hahaha OH GOD the dragons are crying for daenerys in game of thrones. the episode just ended & i think the next episode is the one that reminds me of the tower of high sorcery in the dragonlance novels when daenerys goes looking for her babbies in the house of the undying. i really liked how they played that out & the whole time i kept imagining raistlin would come shuffling out in his techni-colour dream robes to zap caramon for being his equal in wizardry. IT COULD HAPPEN

i can't remember anything else really cool to talk about now, plus i have to get my ass to bed because the kids are done with summer break & i gotta get up early with them to get them off to school. i would just go back to sleep after they leave but i don't like getting into the habit of that with my first day back to class being  this coming monday. so here's to the sandman bringin' me a dream, i guess.

downpour

current mood:

currently listening to: i bleed -pixies

currently reading: smiles to go -jerry spinelli

"i'm dreaming. i'm standing behind him. i know there's a smile on his face but i can't see it. i want to tell him to turn around. i keep trying but i can't speak. i can feel my throat getting sore. and now something is coming out of my mouth, but it isn't words. it's tiny flashes. a glittery stream of them. protons leaving me flying and dying into his black hair."

everything is fine

current mood:

currently listening to: year of the cat -al stewart

currently watching: running with scissors

"i can't focus because of the voices

i see you for what you are

yeah, the camera never lies

my parents have given you thousands of dollars & i'm still sick

you have to help me get better, you know what i do

you have to help me get better"

she's a raven

current mood:

currently listening to: girl from ipanema -frank sinatra

currently reading: american gods -neil gaiman

in the hanging garden ...

current mood:

currently listening to: lights -interpol

currently reading: punktown -jeffrey thomas

today i submitted a summary of the paper i've been working on revising for The Atrium these past few weeks. i finally finished the dang thing last week & submitted it, & lo & behold, it was accepted. the editor, nancy, had mentioned that she was hosting the indiana college english association conference & suggested i submit a summary of the paper there as well. she said she felt it was a good fit with the theme of "civil strife" they have going for this year. if my summary does get selected i'll be doing a presentation of my paper to the faculty, which i find highly exciting since it is all about advocating autism awareness along with personal awareness on a typically functioning level. my heart is reeling at the possibilities...

a lot has been going on lately, & i feel sad knowing that i don't take time out of my day everyday to post the events here. i love being able to go to past entries & get all nostalgic because of the everyday details that are able to be articulated in writing about them.

seeing prometheus was a great & wonderful thing to do with the family. it was so nice to have my dad, mom, oldest brother, snookms, & kiddoes with me to watch it. facehuggers & xenomorphs have always been held in high regard in our household growing up. i watched the movie with the same awe & anticipation that i had watching alien & aliens as a kid, & felt the same kind of terror mixed with wonder at it all once it was over. it wasn't until a day or two later when i was able to talk with my dad that i was willing to accept that the movie had flaws. he hated how the cast failed at being a plausible group of characters, other than vickers & david. i'll have to admit that i wasn't nearly as impressed with david as i was with bishop, but my heart will forever be devoted to him no matter who tries to step up to the plate i s'pose. other than that i tried really hard to not compare this movie to the others. i think it's useless trying to do so, & i knew it would only taint my experience.

snookms is finally getting to go back to the day shift, after proving his worth for two years. he's on his way to getting a cdl license, & will be further promoted as his experience with trucks progresses. our relationship has been going nicely, even if it is at somewhat of a plateau at this point. it's nice to not have the roller coaster of emotions fucking with our ability to thrive. when we don't fuck for a long time, we have this tendency to let our pent up aggression out by wrestling, which is sometimes better than sex because there is a lot of laughter & we don't have to wait until the kids are asleep to do it. he is always trying out the new ufc moves he picks up on when he watches kickboxing matches, & i am always trying out my evasive/aggressive theories of physical escape. there is this one move that he does that is terrible & makes my head feel like it's going to explode. i forget what it's called but he wraps his forearm & bicep around the bottom of my face & squeezes & i almost can't even yell when he does it. then he lets up on me until i find a way to get back on top of him & smash his face with my crotch.

the last outing with my communications professor didn't go as planned, but was still a nice time. we wound up not going to iupui, as their admissions process is different than what we expected. instead i did my application online & then she asked me to accompany her to butler university since she had to drop off some transcripts for a job position she got hired for in the fall. she'll be teaching two classes there & she was so happy to show off how beautiful that campus is. we kept joking about it being hogwarts.

after that we drove around the area & drooled over the victorian cottages sprinkled throughout the town, & then headed downtown where she treated me to strawberry shortcake at the strawberry festival being held at the circle monument. it was so good but the heat was killing us so we decided to head over to circle center mall to check out the 'teavana' they have there. i love how she is turning me onto a whole new world of charming intricacies. i was overwhelmed with the delight of allowing my senses the opportunity to try new sights, fragrances, & tastes. ann is slowly teaching me what she knows about tea & turning me on to this new world of elegance. last saturday i received the small shipment of walnut tea i ordered at teagrotto.com, & it tasted exactly like the buttery/coconut-ish goodness ann & i had at the tea house she took me to. i was able to place a surprise order of it & have it sent to her address, so i hope she's able to get it by next week. that stuff is otherworldlyyyyyy <3

the rest of my time has been split between cooking, budgeting finances, watching legend of korra, going to parks & going on walks, with the occasional zumba or mysty (or both!) meetup. shespawn beat silent hill: downpour somewhere amongst all that too, which i realize i haven't said anything about. that game was super satisfying on the spooky/immersing level. almost everything they have you doing in that game has you tensed up in utter fear or repulsion, & the music, graphics, & story are pretty engaging. one of the final bosses **SPOILER ALERT** reminds me of the beast from the old iron maiden album covers that i would lovingly caress & admire as a pre-teen. it's attempts at telekinesis are pretty adorbs. the ending (the one shespawn ended up with, anyway) was satisfying too.

& then today, after i was done writing & submitting the summary of my paper to the icea, snookms, jr., fezziwig & i ventured out to cicero, me to my brother's new house on the lake, & snookms & the boys went down the street to his mom's to try out his new heat. shespawn had spent the night there along with her cousin last night & my brother invited us to come out to watch the fireworks show, but since the show was postponed we rode our bikes into town instead & got pizza at this charming little shop right across from the reservoir. i was blasting 'crystal castles' & 'the doors' on my ipod the whole bike ride there & got lost inside my own thought process because i was enjoying myself so much. by the time we were done at the pizza shop, snookms & the boys were already back at my brother's place & invited us to go swimming at his mom's since it was like, 100 degrees, even though it was already 8:00 at night. so we all piled up in our vehicles & stayed at his mom's swimming & feasting until almost midnight. the drive home is kind of long, but it is one of my favourite drives to make, especially on a late, hot & humid summer night like that.

i wish every day & night could be like this.

heartbreak hotel

current mood:

currently listening to:

currently watching: ghost hunters

this nightshift business is killing me. it's getting harder & harder to appease my loneliness for snookms each day. from about 5 pm until the minute he gets home it's like a heavy stone set on my chest every time i think about or remember him, which is like, every second of my life.

i had a real big fat ugly crey at this last appt with my therapist yesterday. so totally unexpected. i couldn't wait to share the great news with mother katherine about how my communications professor is walking me through the process of becoming a communications professor as well. & how she is taking me down to iupui in a few weeks to fill out paperwork to transfer there next spring. which, i did totally spill my guts about to her, for the most part. but i guess i've been carrying around a massive amount of sorrow in my heart because of my baby brother being in prison for the second time around. it's hard to feel great about my successes when i know a part of me is locked away in some place struggling to get by some nights. i lock it away in the deepest recesses of my heart, but everyday i think of him & what more i can be doing to help him. some days i struggle with it because i wonder if anything will ever make a difference. i forget to have hope when things continually get harder & harder for him. it pulls a part of me further & further into a despair that is really difficult for me to realize, because there is a default mechanism in me that remembers just how to operate beneath the surface of the managing persona that gets me from day to day. it got buried so deep. & when i addressed this to mother katherine i fucking fell apart & just started bawling my eyes out. thankfully mother katherine is a wizard at that shit, otherwise i would still be a hot fucking mess right now.

so. anyways.

yes. my communications professor is coming with me to meet up with her husband, who is already attending iupui, & we are going to fill out paperwork & get things set up so that i can transfer there next spring hopefully. almost all the credits i have accumulated transfer over to the degree i am now pursuing, and oh. hey. EXCITE. i don't have to take any more math classes! so there is a big fat plus for my future grade book at least. when i looked over all the classes required of me to get both a ba & ma, i was overjoyed & i seriously can't wait to partake of this knowledge.

let's see. things that have happened since the last time i journaled ...

oh. took the kids & snookms to go see tchernobyl diaries on their last day of school. it was a fun movie. great for spooking & making people jump. & i kept wondering what videogame shespawn & i had recently played that the tour guide's voice reminded me of. it never did occur to me & then shespawn quietly announced "call of duty" & i was like "OH! BLACK OPS, dUHHHH!" so that was pretty funny.

& then there was the indoor waterpark that snookms' mom treated us to the weekend after (which was last weekend). that is an annual haunt for turner party of 5, so i was expecting to be underwhelmed but hey you know what? that place never gets old. it's the next best thing to getting a hotel on the beach, & for a heckuva lot cheaper. plus, it's a lot less stressful to just let the kiddoes run rampant & do whatever the want. almost all the hotels have an atrium view of the main pool, which has a hot tub, & gaming area, & pool side service bar. cutesy beiber music is blasting all day & night & the smell of fresh baked chocolate chip cookies wafts through the air, & yes, first person shooter arcade version of aliens is right there across from our room to get me ready for seeing prometheus at imax this sunday.

i love how the place is set up. there is public access from our balcony to walk past neighboring balconies, which ultimately take you to the massive waterpark beyond. there is a pool where you can play basketball, 3 waterslides, a kiddie pool area, & two hot tubs. the place is 80 degrees all day every day. & upstairs is a videogame lounge where shespawn & i played doubles on guitar hero in our dripping wet bathing suits. we got to play deftones "hole in the earth" & both nailed it on hard, along with rock me like a hurricane, helicopter, & dead kennedys' "holiday in cambodia". so much fun. our time was split between doing that, jumping in the hot tub, running around in the halls in our bikinis pretending we where in silent hill's vacant quarters, playing aliens, & torturing snookms with our half-assed attempts at stifled snickers & giggles when we should have been sleeping. we also got free breakfast at the buffet too! we came home feeling like we just got back from daytona beach, & that is a nice feel, right there.

today, i had 5 teenagers to lug around & keep entertained, since shespawn's bff stayed the night, & their cousin as well. we went to avon park & walked the trails to the legendary haunted bridge. my kids were all crazy enough to climb to the very top of it & were walking the tracks like they belonged on the set of stand by me. it scared the hell out of me tho, so i made them get down.

when that was done we stopped at kfc & got the buffet there, where we were all able to feel refreshed from the aggravating circumstance of summer heat. on the drive home it was suggested that we get tenacious d at disc replay & watch it later tonight along with breakfast club, so that is the agenda for tonight, once everyone settles in.

when we made it home, we rested before it was time to go see my new friend off before she moves to north carolina for the summer. she's the one that sat next to me in my communications class & was part of the group presentation we had to put together at the end of the semester. she also made me the dubstep mix cd & root beer cupcakes that i ate the shit out of. i felt a sincere sense of sadness when we hugged goodbye. i'll miss that pixie cut of hers & that vampire hunter d smile ...

oh yeah! i forgot the nice little meetup i had with mysty to get our taro fix at yogokiss. that girl has a way with making me feel her love for heavy ass drone. she got to see godflesh live & she said she came out of pit retirement for that shit because it was just too much to handle. hearing her light up over such dark brooding contempt ... so many feelings.

there is a good chance i will be able to go see her husband's band "black goat of the woods" play at the melody inn this sunday, provided i get outta prometheus in time this sunday. i really can't wait for either of them, as i've been looking forward to both for a very. long. time.

& now here i sit, waiting for snookms to come home so i can rub his beard & let it heal all my brokenness <3.

(will always)

current mood:

currently listening to: aileron -boris

currently watching: degrassi: the next generation

uuuuuuuuuuuuugh! my period is trying to start & i'm failing miserably at not being a wimp about it. the pamphlet for the morning after pill i took a while back warned that my next menstrual cycle could be pretty brutal, & they are already pretty bad in the first place. i can feel the balrog's footsteps in the depths! HALLLLLLLLLP!

in other news ... OH MY GOD MY COMMUNICATIONS PROFESSOR IS FUCKAWESOME. she took me to lunch at my first indian restaurant on tuesday & i loved the experience. she suggested we do the buffet for my first time, & i tried almost everything the buffet had to offer. my favourite was this ultra yellow sauce with tofu chunks. i forget what it was called already. i could eat that forever over the rice they serve there. my mom & dad serve that kind of rice regularly at their house. i think it's jasmine rice? not sure ...

so my professor brought an outline of what it would take to get both a bachelor's & master's degree in communications studies. she said she is being pushy about it because she thinks i have what it takes. in about 4 years i could be teaching level 100 classes at ivy tech & could get my master's degree in two more years after that, which i am totally down for, according to the fast-track plan she brought. i almost started crying in the middle of chomping away on my naan when she said that she was going to walk me through this, step by step, until we achieve the desired results.

other awesome things discovered is that she lives right behind metropolis, which is way closer to my house than i thought she was, & that she wants to hang out with me on a regular basis. we are getting together in two weeks to go to a tea room in greenwood. i've never been, so i looked it up & was delighted to see what exactly this shit is all about. scones! artsy & philisophical gossip! finger sandwiches! raspberry flavoured things! & all in a victorian mansion in a subdued atmosphere! the tasslehoff in me just wanted to rip flint's beard out at the excitement of it all. i always wished something like this existed, & like, OH. HEY. GUESS WHAT GOOBY? IT. ALREADY. DOES.

another trip we have planned is to take her to the international market on lafayette rd. to shop for lumpia ingredients & other exotic components. she is also inviting me & snookms over to her place to play cards with her bf & company. i am kinda nervous about that because 1.) i suck at cards. BAD. 2.) i have no idea what her other friends are like. 3.) if they are anything like her my unhealthy hero worship factor is going to kick in & demote my social status to that of a jar of mustard. right now, i am currently at barbecue sauce stature.

something i really appreciate about our friendship too is that she really seems to embrace my gothic nature, instead of making me want to conceal it. she constantly brings it up in our casual conversation & how cool she thinks it is. i never really put the gothic label on myself, but it seems as though that is the demographic i appear to represent to most people i meet initially. funny how all that stuff works out, especially considering that i don't intend to represent anything intentionally. I JUST WANNA DO HOODRAT STUFF WITH MY FRIENDS

today i went to the dentist after i dropped all my kiddoes off at school. i am deeply ashamed to admit it has been forever since i last went to a dentist. not having any insurance will do that to people, i guess. i was really freaked out at all the potential damage that was going to be found in this mouth of war, but i only came away with four cavities & one hell of a teeth cleaning. you should have seen the dentist! she was like leatherface from texas chainsaw up in my mouf. i kept saying, "I'M SORRY. I'M SO SO SORRY MY MOUTH IS SO CRAZY & GROSS". she laughed & told me she's seen much worse, but i know it was pretty bad.

when she was done she had this dude come in that had my mom as a patient just last week & i had to try real hard to not start giggling my face off because my mom has a supercrush on him & thinks he is superadorbz. i could see why though, & i think my mom has the most delectable taste in human beings. she thinks joseph gordon levitt is jaw dropping hot, & hayden christensen. she also has it bad for kat dennings, angelina jolie, & then of course, my dad, the renegade wizard. she looks deep & far & wide into their souls like galadriel, the lady of the golden wood & finds their true heart i guess?

i was starving to death by the time i got outta there, so i tried calling snookms to see if he wanted to grab lunch at ihop with me. unfortunately he was still in sleepy mode so i flew solo & treated myself to blueberry pancakes. i went there alone regularly on friday afternoons after my psychology classes during the semester, so i kind of missed treating myself since then. lolllll. it's only been two weeks. listen to me!

my mouth feels so shiny & delicate & pretty right now. next stop? to see if snookms new job insurance covers acupuncture treatments!

oh! i keep forgetting to talk about my dreams. one was that snookms was trying to kill me with a steak knife, chasing me around endlessly in our neighborhood, which eventually opened up to this strange obstacle course like atmosphere made from old junkyard parts. it was like the iron giant designed an amusement park in homage to dean or something. it was creepy as fuck though because the whole time i had the kids with me & we kept having to pretend that snookms wasn't trying to kill me because there were all these innocent bystanders around that would "never understand". i fucking hated that dream.

another dream was actually very obstacle course oriented as well. in this one we were all trying out for the real life role of megaman, & everybody got to wear different coloured suits. i was dissapointed as heck in my dream though because we all looked more like tron peoples than potential megamen. we'd all stand in front of the judge, listen to the rules for each obstacle, & then take our places in the different districts of the massive dome they locked us inside of & race each other to see who got the different obstacles finished first. at one point, us contestants had to race together down this ridiculously long water tunnel that had no water in it, & i was all, "what the hell are we doing?" & somebody yelled, "getting equipped by dr. light!". i was like "oh hELL NAWWWW" & was super jazzed to meet this fluffy bearded wizard irl. we slide on down & my claustrophobia starts kicking in really bad (i really do get freaked out on water slides all the time!) and by the time we get to the bottom there is this platform we have to figure out how to reach. the contestant next me goes, "oh! i have to use one of the levitating platform guns that dr. light injected in us!" & there you have it. i woke up without even getting to meet dr. light in my dream. DISAPPOINTMENT PREVAILS

now i am here, watching degrassi & hoping & praying that imogen & fiona will finally get their mack on in this here final episode for the season. i am also debating on whether i should order take out. i hope i say yes.

lin & tenzin sittin' in a tree ...

current mood:

currently listening to: nights in white satin -moody blues

currently watching: "and the winner is ..."

i just got done watching episode 6 of 'the legend of korra'. EVERYBODY IS SO FUKKEN HYPED ON TUMBLR. it's nice to feel the mutual love. i'm sad i missed it this morning on nickelodeon, cause i would have loved to watch all that action my my big screen, but it was so great that i didn't even care about nuthin by the time i was done.

goodnite.

GOODNITE.

goodnight.

cognitive dissonance ...

current mood:

currently listening to: raspberry beret -prince & the revolution

currently reading: my friend dahmer by derf backderf

these past two days have been unproductive as heck. taking 'the morning after pill' (plan B?) has thrown a wrench in my spokes. & for more than in a 'physical discomfort' sense. i've dealt with the emotional tom foolery of it all since, but yeah, don't you just hate how that shit likes to linger? makes me crave a 40.

oh. hey. does anybody remember when ice-t was a dj on those breakin/electric boogaloo movies? when he basically looked like a hella fine swedish death metal scene dude? yeah. that. it's been coming up in my thoughts lately, & like, how fucking impressionable that image of him was to my 10, 11, & 12 year old self. god, he was so beautiful then

okay, so i just finished up reading the last bit of that 'my friend dahmer' graphic novel, & i have mixed feelings about it. i mean, i guess it's going to be hard to find a book like that, with as much detail provided, but yet lacks the ego/ethnocentric ideals this dude has a tendency to splay out. but still, i really found it difficult to not get offended at what he seemed to be intentionally throwing out in the way of his opinions, as if it was common knowledge to automatically feel the way he felt in regard to many of the situations he talked about in the story. there were instances in his thought process where you could tell he really tried hard to be other-oriented in his cognitive processes about the whole ordeal, & at other times he just threw his shit out there, as if what he was saying was "what everyone else was obviously thinking". just that use of the word "obvious" ... when put into a certain context, just makes me want to puke sometimes. this mostly shows in the back of the book, where he cites his "sources". he spent much of the time here inserting his take on the story, which is the opposite of what sources are all about. the book was basically what i expected, but not what i had hoped for. i wasn't looking for a sad story excusing the behavior of jeffrey dahmer. but i was looking for details of his teenage years that could mark off symptoms of what i've come up with in my own personal diagnosis of what it may take for a human being to become a sociopath. & this book did a great job of providing some of that much needed confirmation regarding my own musings. i just hated how he referred to those of jeff's associates as "psychos" because of their rebellious behavior. & some of the other assumptions the author seemed to make in regard to joyce, dahmer's mother, as well as the way he assumed to know what was going on in dahmer's mind at times. but again, i wasn't there, & it's so much easier to accuse someone of having stupid assumptions when you yourself are not put into their situations. so ... i dunno. i felt a certain degree of satisfaction in reading this, & definitely a deep sorrow for the social situation that dahmer had dealt with growing up. i just wasn't up to hearing about all the personal suppositions the author made. i'd like for my dad to read it & get his opinion on it. he grew up in that era of "institutionalized weirdness of the suburban seventies" that the book seemingly does a great job of describing, so it would be interesting to see where my dad stands on all of this.

mordicai's re-cooked version of the cd he previously sent today came in the mail, along with a copy of 'the coldest war' ... a big, fat, super-surprise to me. it is the sequel to 'bitter seeds', which i have yet to read, unfortunately. i will be ordering it soonly tho, because it's been on my tbr list ever since i first read mordicai's review about it. he knows about all the cool books -_-

'the fall' also came, which i had ordered a few days back. going to watch it tonight & i'm really excited about that.

other than that, there is not much else to report. it feels like i forgot something, but i guess i can always mention it in my next blog entry. it's nice to make time to write here regularly again, but i miss class already tho. just not all the deadline bullcrap. :/

dream a little dream ...

current mood:

currently listening to: stupid girl -garbage

currently watching:

my first day off for the summer & i am over here cleaning & blaring the stereo & opening all the doors & windows to air the house out. i love today.

saturday was so much fun. woke up early to get ready for the shooting range since snookms & i didn't make it on our anniversary. i had never been, & snookms wanted to take us to the one in eagle creek since fezziwig & tha jr. were going to be with us. they are very by the book & strict when it comes to gun regulation according to snookms, so he prefers that joint over all the others anyway. plus, it's way the heck cheaper. i was so nervous because i didn't know nearly as much about firearms as i had wanted to before coming there, but all in all, it was a great experience. when you first get there you have a 5 minute orientation of all the do's & don'ts. i really like how they call for a "hot" & "cold" time so that everyone can change out the targets & other stuff. the guns have to be in the down position at all times when not firing, & they will call you out on your shit if you try to walk out with your gun just dangling at your side. i don't know if that's the case at all the other shooting ranges, but snookms seems to highly appreciate the rules & regulations of this particular joint. there's an officer at each alley to supervise too, which helps with the chaos. i love it because it's outdoors too, which helps with my nausea factor since i get sick easily from fumes. they make sure you have hearing & eye protection when phasing into the "hot" aspect, which i sure as hell appreciate with my forgetful jones self.

i started out shooting snookm's 9, but i really liked his 22 rifle because there is no kick. overall snookms said that fezziwig had best aim, (he blew the heck out of the target on spot almost every time) jr. had best improvement, i had the best grouping, & snookms had the best called shot. i can't wait to go back, but i think i might stick with the 22 rifle until i can master using it. MASTER USING IT & YOU CAN HAVE THIS

afterwards i treated snookms & the boys to el rodeo in avon since i know that's snookms' favourite restaurant. i got fajita nachos this time instead of my usual taco/enchilada combo & was so good. i think next time i might ask if they can replace the chips with rice instead though because the chips are kinda gross there.

when we were done there we raced home to relax for a few minutes & meet up with snookms bff because he wanted to show off the truck he was test driving. once that was all done & over with we packed up & headed out to my brother's new place on the lake in cicero to pick up shespawn because she had spent the night there with with her cousins. the drive out there is so beautiful & relaxing, about 45 minutes of driving time i'd say. i had seen his place when he first got it, but it was hella late & hella dark, so i couldn't really appreciate it for the beauty it was. plus my brother & his woman fixed it up really nice, so it was a real treat to come out. the neighborhood he lives in is filled with A-frame houses, which i am a huge fan of, so we took a walk around the neighborhood to admire abodes from afar. there was a vacant house about a block down from my brother's pad, so we were able to walk the property & peek in the windows. it's a foreclosure & i fell in love instantly. dark wood paneling, panoramic view of the lake, & pet sematary like landscaping all throughout. there's a very "silent hill" -ish element all throughout that i kept vibing off of & i just couldn't get that place out of my head. it has a loft! i want it I WANT IT iwantIT! so bad.

after ruminating over that mess it was time to head home. i was still filled with energy & there was just enough light left in the day to mow the lawn. i had jr. & fezziwig start on the side & backyard while shespawn jumped in the shower from riding around town with her cousins all day, & then i mowed the neighbor's backyard & started on the other side of our house. our neighbors always freak out & come running out with beverages whenever they see me & snookms doing that for them, & they always wind up hooking us up the next time they mow their lawns. it's a beautiful relationship. was able to finish up the frontyard in time to enjoy the supermoon for a bit while snookms & i swept up the sidewalk & driveway. came in to take a shower & the intent to settle down with the book mordicai sent (love it already) & realized that snookms is not even home. he slipped out with his bff to get some turfbuilder at meijer & test the 2012 mustang he came pulling up with. his daughter was there the whole time (unbeknownst to be) i was in the shower so she came up behind me & scared the crap outta me while i was blow drying my hair. she was all excited about being able to show me videos of her driving the truck her dad had earlier. she was driving that thing like a champ & she's only 15!

sunday came along & i almost forgot about the cool dinner exchange party that my friend tina invited me to. katie is supposed to make it out sometime, but she didn't make it this time. basically the first sunday of every month a group of us get together & bring some dinner ingredients to cook at tina's huge house & everybody gets to take a portion of every one else's dinner home. i brought some basic seasoned chicken tenders to bake in oven & ingredients for this amazing italian pasta dish that i've nabbed from snookms' brother's wife. it's the suddenly salad kit with artichokes, black olives, & cubed monterey jack cheese slathered in olive oil. i was happy to see it was a hit. i also brought ingredients for fresh strawberry shortcake & tina took a really unflattering picture of my cutting strawberries for it. BLEH. tina's friend molly (the only other person to make it out aside from me & shespawn) made a tomatoe/green & red bell pepper/onion & chicken dish that was really fabulous. i was excited to be able to take some home to snookms & he loved it too.

it was nice to sit & catch up with tina & her family since i haven't seen them in over 3 years. but alas, that is sometimes what shooting babies out of your vagina does to you. you just kind of forget about the outside world for awhile. it's nice to have friends to come back to when you can come back up for air after a while. her hubs works at half price books & has a mean fucking collection of comics downstairs with the rest of their awesome video game set up.

i was so glad to be back home after all the cookage to put my feet up & relax for the evening. enjoyed reading some more of the golem book & went for a late night walk with shespawn before it was time for the kiddoes to settle in for the night. i am so happy the weather has the energizing impact it does on me.

today i am considering starting the necessary research to get my paper in order to resubmit to the atrium. i am kind of at a standstill with one of the requests that the board is making of the paper though. they are under the impression that i am a professor, since that place is where they are meant to send their stuff for publication, & they would like for me to provide concrete examples of those on the autism spectrum displaying verbal communication skills to those who communicate in a 'typical' sense, & those skills being used as an example of how the autistic community has improved communication for those not on the spectrum in a classroom setting. my problem here is that while i have plenty of examples to point out, they have all taken place in my experience as a volunteer teacher's aide at my children's schools, or here in the home where i used to home school my own kiddoes. sooooooo, i'm just like, worried that they are going to tell me to fuck right off since it is not considered an actual professional setting. BUT. i am fully intent on relaying to the board that i am in no way an actual professor & nor do i desire to fake the funk here. if it pulls the rug right out from underneath my operation, so be it. i'd rather be an honest abe than try to play it off like i'm somebody that they may have the impression of me not being.

SO THERE.

i don't hate you anymore ...

current mood:

currently listening to:

currently watching: the runaways

i can't believe how bored i am without any studying or homework to do. i actually ... MISS IT. i guess i miss obtaining knowledge that has specific goals in mind. not that all of that needs to come to a screeching halt just because i'm done with this semester, but i don't have that driving force behind me to get it all done.

i had my last class this morning & aced the psychology final. actually, now that i think about it, i aced the finals for all my classes. & i scored either 100% or 100 + on all of them except the written portion of my access final. got a 90 on that. that's kind of cool i guess, right?

i had been anticipating this week for the last month or so, & a huge knot of worry was clawing it's way up my lower back & it almost took me down last week because i was so nervous about finals & essays. this whole week has wound up being really fun to me though, so i'm kind of sad that i wasted so much time being filled with anxiety about it. i spent monday in recovery mode, but then on tuesday i had to soldier on & get ready for the honors society induction i got invited too. beth, the chairperson for the honors english department was there, & she kept pointing me out to everybody & how excited she was to have me on board. the tables were set up so pretty & they had all kinds of breakfast/brunch delight to choose from. phi theta kappa now has an international president for the chapter & lemme tell you, he is GORGEOUS. long, flowy dreadlocks tied back in the most elegant ponytail, tall, dark, & super slender. he was wearing a suit with all the phi theta kappa regalia & introducing himself to everyone individually before the ceremony started. he had these susan dey/lisa bonnet kind of eyes that just made you want to look far & wide & deep into his soul & he carried himself so professionally, yet humbly.

i had forgotten to text my group partner about me not being able to make it to the final for that morning, since my teacher said i could just make it up another day so that i could attend the induction, & was abruptly reminded when i got a text from her asking where i was. she brought cupcakes & a mixed cd & asked if i could meet up with her at the mcdonalds in the eagle creek area, which i was super excited about because i am a nerd when it comes to the fancier versions of franchises like that. so i agreed to meet with her & we sat & talked & watched the crazy thunderstorm wreak havoc through the streets until it was time for her to go to work. she's like, really into german metal, dubstep, & invader zim. she's going to college to get all professional on the cupcake front, which is really cool if you ask me since i have a bit of an obsession with all those cupcake war shows on tv these days. she made root beer & chocolate chip cupcakes & i ate almost all of them.

the next day i lazed around on the couch all day watching "the chronicles of riddick" & studying for my psychology exam. that was basically the plan for the next two days, just to bury my face in my book, but that night on the way home from taking my kids & their friends to their weekly infusion/churchy thing we saw that the carnival had struck our town & decided to invade it at the last minute. so much unexpected fun on a school night. it was so cute to see the kids squealing like babby piggies on the gravitron.

thursssssssday was the day i had to go make up my final since my interpersonal communications teacher said i could take the day off to go to the phi theta kappa induction & i had time to take a shower & get myself all prettied up. i always get a little braver about my appearance on the last day of school for some reason so i got all dolled up & wore my platform boots & purple velvet leggings & revolver cami. snookms always makes me feel so pretty when i dress like that. i was able to make some lumpia to bring to my professor & stopped at meijer to get her an orchid that reminded me of her & the way she likes to sport yellow & florals all the dang time. i got started on the test right away & stayed after to talk to her for awhile since she is basically what my future self strives to be. she confided in me that she wanted me to become a communications professor like her because she said she could see me doing great in guiding & leading classes the way she does. she gave me a rundown of what she did to get to where she was & was telling me i had a gift for speaking in front of the class. i was getting ready to faint from all the excitement of what she was saying to me at this point & i told her that i would love to do what she does. & she was great at making me feel like this could become a reality. she talked about how i could do presentations on the side too, & that they pay really well. i had been toying with the idea of offering autism awareness presentations at schools these past few months & when she what she said shit just got more real by the minute.

i'll be attending an honors course at the downtown campus in the fall & she was telling me how great the "honors floor" is & that you have to have your own code to get in the door on that floor. she even said there's captain chairs & the lecture room is basically a lounge. i'm new to this aspect of education for the most part. i mean, i did pretty okay in school as a kid, but i never fully applied myself the way i am now. i never got to see the kind of benefits back then that i am reaping now. it's nice to be optimistic.

when i got home from class snookms had cleaned the whole house from top to bottom, vacuumed, swept,mopped, did the dishes, cleaned the bathroom, & made our bed. not gonna even try to lie here folks ... THE CLOTHES JUST FELL TO THE FLOOR

later that night after snookms went to work i felt hella tired so i went to sleep earlier than usual & i didn't get to do my final studying for the night like i had planned. i bolted awake at 4 in the morning & stayed awake until it was time for class, finishing studying. it was actually kind of nice to be in that element. i enjoyed the peace & quiet & the way the sky looks before the sun rises on a humid morning like that.

after i got to class & zipped through the test effortlessly (because psychological disorders & their treatments are my JAM) i decided to take my textbooks to the downtown campus & sell them back for cash. i thought maybe i'd get at the most 70 to 100 bucks for what i had & was overjoyed to realize the books were worth twice that. i'm terrible with surprise money though, so it's always bittersweet in the end when that happens, damnit.

the big, brown truck came by once i got home & my son comes waltzing in with this huge manila envelope. i thought maybe it was the dahmer book i ordered from a day or two ago but it was surprise stuffs from mordicai. i knew about the mix cd, since it was a reply from what i had sent him, but then there was a book too! a golem book! a mike mignola/christopher golden golem book at that! from mordicai!

the rest of this day has just been me floating around in this ethereal kind of form, like the mist cloud from symphony of the night, & i've really been worthless when it comes to accomplishing anything because i'm still high from all the lovely shit happening this week.

shalafi

current mood:

currently listening to: pactum expressum #666

currently watching: 17 again

my plan for the rest of the evening is to write the six page essay for my sociology class that is due mondayyyyyy. i wait until the the last minute to write these things on purpose, i just don't quite know what that purpose yet is. maybe just the drive & fever that writing these things evoke within me? i just know i get this weird feel, like i'm on fire with an internal drive to smite everything around me with my mouth words. once i get started i really love the feeling, but before then, it just kind of gets on my nerves & stresses me out to think about it. most of the time it pays off & serves me well, so i guess i won't cry about it.

i was able to get a response from an atrium member regarding my other paper, & the board gave me some really valuable input & want me to revise & re-submit with their suggestions considered. they said that the paper was of great interest to them, & has a good chance of being accepted. they also want to know whether i should initially pitch the proposal to the soc, psych, or communication department, which i am still in debate over. my heart says psychology, but my grey matter is saying communication. i dunno man. i just wanna be the next carl jung, okay????????

speaking of, i watched 'a dangerous method' a few weeks back & it was one of the better movies i've seen in awhile. i was in love with keira knightley's performance. i found so much of myself in what she was projecting. it was so beautiful & liberating to connect myself in that way to her character. michael fassbender & viggo mortensen were great as carl jung & freud. freud was made to look like the "bad guy", which i personally don't know enough to see the situation in that light, even tho i have a tendency to stray from those kinds of perceptions in the first place.

snookms & i have turned over a new leaf in our relationship that has improved our relationship immensely. & i know we have our ups & downs, but i sincerely felt like our relationship couldn't get any better than it already was. i'm so happy that we're best friends. navigating these uncharted territories in life together with this dude is exactly what my little girl heart had in mind when i was dreaming of a life partner that would get my wants & needs the way he does. we'll be married 16 years this coming friday. i'm excited that he's taking the day off. so far we have plans to go to the shooting range, & then see 'cabin in the woods' afterwards. i'm curious as to why everyone is saying it's so great of a movie.

oh yeahhhhh. the internet has been really fucking boring lately. save a few tumblrs & one specific lj, i have more positive associations logging onto my college campus website than i do anywhere else. i've gotten excited about catching up on google reader tho, especially since snookms & i were able to watch 'the legend of korra' episode this afternoon. i'm all about amon & his chi-blocking shit, even tho i am team tenzin all the way. i was like, HOLY EFFBALLS these em-effers are really gonna do this??? & then i also have questions for tenzin cause i know he know SUMTPIN. i just know it. but yeah. tenzin is sexy. it's like, he's this strict, but not unrelenting teacher. he's willing to let the pieces fall where they may, instead of the whole "my way or the highway" kind of jazz. i seriously did this little happy clap & bounced up & down on the couch with a little girl giggle when he acknowledged that he knew about korra going to the games & that she figured out how to "be the leaf" at the end of the second episode. even tho he didn't approve of her doing that stuff at first, he saw that it was good for her to learn in this way so he showed his happiness for her, instead of being a silent & grudging jerkface about it. WORKS FOR ME.

also, he reminds me of snookms. bad & hard.

my name is a killing word

current mood:

currently listening to: blood -the middle east

currently reading: women writing the weird

ahhhhhhhh, it's so nice to put my feet up & rest. i've been on the go all day, but i'm feeling a good kind of tired. i love this kind!

went to my interpersonal communication class & the professor covered the last chapter in our book today. the next four weeks of class will be presentations & finals. i'm going to miss this teacher so much. i hope we can continue to stay in contact with each other somehow.

got home, said hello to a bright-eyed & bushy tailed snookms, straightened up the house a bit & greeted all my spawn with a good afternoon. they're all on spring break & are getting to sleep in late. it makes me happy to see them get extra rest. i got really restless so i dug the lawn mower out of the garage & proceeded to cut the grass in my snow boots. i decided to wear them this morning to class even though the weather is totally clashing with that decision, but i was too lazy to dig for normal shoes in my closet. my feet were so sweaty when i was done that i could barely walk. i couldn't help but wonder if that's what it feels like when you get stuck in quicksand. (me & my weird childhood self musings). kind of sucked though because the lawn mower kept dying while i was pushing it along & finally it just gave up altogether. snookms came out an hour before he had to go to work & managed to take the whole dang thing apart, fix it & finish mowing the front yard. that dude is a fucking machine, i'm telling you.

after snookms left for work i swept the sidewalk, the driveway & the neighbor's driveway cause our grass blew all the heck over the place. i was sweating so bad that i came right in & took a shower. i love the feeling of walking outside to enjoy the fruits of my labor after a fresh shower. i saw shespawn riding her bike up & down the street & it looked so fun so i threw on my hello kitty pajama boots & a hoodie & we went for a nice bike ride together. afterwards she wanted to go to the park, so i rounded all my teenager nuggets n friends up in the van & headed for the park. it was really boring so we left after 20 minutes & hung out at my mom's for an hour. she took me on her annual gardening tour to show me all the new pretty things that are growing in the yard. her & my dad have transformed their yard into a magical wonderland. i love all the pathways they paved with bricks & rocks & clematis & tulip trails & all this other crazy bleeding heart lushness. my mom really knows her way around a greenhouse!

after we left my mom & dad's house, we headed back home, just to turn around & have to leave again to take fezziwig to his bff's new house. SO TIRED AT THIS POINT.

come home, make spaghetti & hamburgers for dinner, have a nice dinner convo with shespawn & her bff about family grudges. now here i am, dazed & confused & delirious from lack of sleep. heck, i had to break in the middle of this entry just to stop & pick up fezziwig from his friend's house. it's kind of fun to drive late at night with a van full of teenagers on a pretty night like this though, so i'm not complaining. plus snookms is due home from work any minute & i've been missing his face all day. i can't wait to snuggle up to his neck & smell his special snookms' scent (tm!).

ohhhhh yeah. i got an email from one of the members of The Atrium & they said they were excited to read my submission & would get back to me within the next few months. my dad asks me everyday if i've heard anything back from anyone, which is kind of flattering to me that he cares that much. like i said, even if my paper isn't accepted for publication, just all of the things that have taken place in the meantime as a result has been really uplifting.

i think i might go play some guitar before i fall over from sleep deprivationnnnnnnnn. goodnite <3