heartbreak hotel

current mood:

currently listening to:

currently watching: ghost hunters

this nightshift business is killing me. it's getting harder & harder to appease my loneliness for snookms each day. from about 5 pm until the minute he gets home it's like a heavy stone set on my chest every time i think about or remember him, which is like, every second of my life.

i had a real big fat ugly crey at this last appt with my therapist yesterday. so totally unexpected. i couldn't wait to share the great news with mother katherine about how my communications professor is walking me through the process of becoming a communications professor as well. & how she is taking me down to iupui in a few weeks to fill out paperwork to transfer there next spring. which, i did totally spill my guts about to her, for the most part. but i guess i've been carrying around a massive amount of sorrow in my heart because of my baby brother being in prison for the second time around. it's hard to feel great about my successes when i know a part of me is locked away in some place struggling to get by some nights. i lock it away in the deepest recesses of my heart, but everyday i think of him & what more i can be doing to help him. some days i struggle with it because i wonder if anything will ever make a difference. i forget to have hope when things continually get harder & harder for him. it pulls a part of me further & further into a despair that is really difficult for me to realize, because there is a default mechanism in me that remembers just how to operate beneath the surface of the managing persona that gets me from day to day. it got buried so deep. & when i addressed this to mother katherine i fucking fell apart & just started bawling my eyes out. thankfully mother katherine is a wizard at that shit, otherwise i would still be a hot fucking mess right now.

so. anyways.

yes. my communications professor is coming with me to meet up with her husband, who is already attending iupui, & we are going to fill out paperwork & get things set up so that i can transfer there next spring hopefully. almost all the credits i have accumulated transfer over to the degree i am now pursuing, and oh. hey. EXCITE. i don't have to take any more math classes! so there is a big fat plus for my future grade book at least. when i looked over all the classes required of me to get both a ba & ma, i was overjoyed & i seriously can't wait to partake of this knowledge.

let's see. things that have happened since the last time i journaled ...

oh. took the kids & snookms to go see tchernobyl diaries on their last day of school. it was a fun movie. great for spooking & making people jump. & i kept wondering what videogame shespawn & i had recently played that the tour guide's voice reminded me of. it never did occur to me & then shespawn quietly announced "call of duty" & i was like "OH! BLACK OPS, dUHHHH!" so that was pretty funny.

& then there was the indoor waterpark that snookms' mom treated us to the weekend after (which was last weekend). that is an annual haunt for turner party of 5, so i was expecting to be underwhelmed but hey you know what? that place never gets old. it's the next best thing to getting a hotel on the beach, & for a heckuva lot cheaper. plus, it's a lot less stressful to just let the kiddoes run rampant & do whatever the want. almost all the hotels have an atrium view of the main pool, which has a hot tub, & gaming area, & pool side service bar. cutesy beiber music is blasting all day & night & the smell of fresh baked chocolate chip cookies wafts through the air, & yes, first person shooter arcade version of aliens is right there across from our room to get me ready for seeing prometheus at imax this sunday.

i love how the place is set up. there is public access from our balcony to walk past neighboring balconies, which ultimately take you to the massive waterpark beyond. there is a pool where you can play basketball, 3 waterslides, a kiddie pool area, & two hot tubs. the place is 80 degrees all day every day. & upstairs is a videogame lounge where shespawn & i played doubles on guitar hero in our dripping wet bathing suits. we got to play deftones "hole in the earth" & both nailed it on hard, along with rock me like a hurricane, helicopter, & dead kennedys' "holiday in cambodia". so much fun. our time was split between doing that, jumping in the hot tub, running around in the halls in our bikinis pretending we where in silent hill's vacant quarters, playing aliens, & torturing snookms with our half-assed attempts at stifled snickers & giggles when we should have been sleeping. we also got free breakfast at the buffet too! we came home feeling like we just got back from daytona beach, & that is a nice feel, right there.

today, i had 5 teenagers to lug around & keep entertained, since shespawn's bff stayed the night, & their cousin as well. we went to avon park & walked the trails to the legendary haunted bridge. my kids were all crazy enough to climb to the very top of it & were walking the tracks like they belonged on the set of stand by me. it scared the hell out of me tho, so i made them get down.

when that was done we stopped at kfc & got the buffet there, where we were all able to feel refreshed from the aggravating circumstance of summer heat. on the drive home it was suggested that we get tenacious d at disc replay & watch it later tonight along with breakfast club, so that is the agenda for tonight, once everyone settles in.

when we made it home, we rested before it was time to go see my new friend off before she moves to north carolina for the summer. she's the one that sat next to me in my communications class & was part of the group presentation we had to put together at the end of the semester. she also made me the dubstep mix cd & root beer cupcakes that i ate the shit out of. i felt a sincere sense of sadness when we hugged goodbye. i'll miss that pixie cut of hers & that vampire hunter d smile ...

oh yeah! i forgot the nice little meetup i had with mysty to get our taro fix at yogokiss. that girl has a way with making me feel her love for heavy ass drone. she got to see godflesh live & she said she came out of pit retirement for that shit because it was just too much to handle. hearing her light up over such dark brooding contempt ... so many feelings.

there is a good chance i will be able to go see her husband's band "black goat of the woods" play at the melody inn this sunday, provided i get outta prometheus in time this sunday. i really can't wait for either of them, as i've been looking forward to both for a very. long. time.

& now here i sit, waiting for snookms to come home so i can rub his beard & let it heal all my brokenness <3.

(will always)

current mood:

currently listening to: aileron -boris

currently watching: degrassi: the next generation

uuuuuuuuuuuuugh! my period is trying to start & i'm failing miserably at not being a wimp about it. the pamphlet for the morning after pill i took a while back warned that my next menstrual cycle could be pretty brutal, & they are already pretty bad in the first place. i can feel the balrog's footsteps in the depths! HALLLLLLLLLP!

in other news ... OH MY GOD MY COMMUNICATIONS PROFESSOR IS FUCKAWESOME. she took me to lunch at my first indian restaurant on tuesday & i loved the experience. she suggested we do the buffet for my first time, & i tried almost everything the buffet had to offer. my favourite was this ultra yellow sauce with tofu chunks. i forget what it was called already. i could eat that forever over the rice they serve there. my mom & dad serve that kind of rice regularly at their house. i think it's jasmine rice? not sure ...

so my professor brought an outline of what it would take to get both a bachelor's & master's degree in communications studies. she said she is being pushy about it because she thinks i have what it takes. in about 4 years i could be teaching level 100 classes at ivy tech & could get my master's degree in two more years after that, which i am totally down for, according to the fast-track plan she brought. i almost started crying in the middle of chomping away on my naan when she said that she was going to walk me through this, step by step, until we achieve the desired results.

other awesome things discovered is that she lives right behind metropolis, which is way closer to my house than i thought she was, & that she wants to hang out with me on a regular basis. we are getting together in two weeks to go to a tea room in greenwood. i've never been, so i looked it up & was delighted to see what exactly this shit is all about. scones! artsy & philisophical gossip! finger sandwiches! raspberry flavoured things! & all in a victorian mansion in a subdued atmosphere! the tasslehoff in me just wanted to rip flint's beard out at the excitement of it all. i always wished something like this existed, & like, OH. HEY. GUESS WHAT GOOBY? IT. ALREADY. DOES.

another trip we have planned is to take her to the international market on lafayette rd. to shop for lumpia ingredients & other exotic components. she is also inviting me & snookms over to her place to play cards with her bf & company. i am kinda nervous about that because 1.) i suck at cards. BAD. 2.) i have no idea what her other friends are like. 3.) if they are anything like her my unhealthy hero worship factor is going to kick in & demote my social status to that of a jar of mustard. right now, i am currently at barbecue sauce stature.

something i really appreciate about our friendship too is that she really seems to embrace my gothic nature, instead of making me want to conceal it. she constantly brings it up in our casual conversation & how cool she thinks it is. i never really put the gothic label on myself, but it seems as though that is the demographic i appear to represent to most people i meet initially. funny how all that stuff works out, especially considering that i don't intend to represent anything intentionally. I JUST WANNA DO HOODRAT STUFF WITH MY FRIENDS

today i went to the dentist after i dropped all my kiddoes off at school. i am deeply ashamed to admit it has been forever since i last went to a dentist. not having any insurance will do that to people, i guess. i was really freaked out at all the potential damage that was going to be found in this mouth of war, but i only came away with four cavities & one hell of a teeth cleaning. you should have seen the dentist! she was like leatherface from texas chainsaw up in my mouf. i kept saying, "I'M SORRY. I'M SO SO SORRY MY MOUTH IS SO CRAZY & GROSS". she laughed & told me she's seen much worse, but i know it was pretty bad.

when she was done she had this dude come in that had my mom as a patient just last week & i had to try real hard to not start giggling my face off because my mom has a supercrush on him & thinks he is superadorbz. i could see why though, & i think my mom has the most delectable taste in human beings. she thinks joseph gordon levitt is jaw dropping hot, & hayden christensen. she also has it bad for kat dennings, angelina jolie, & then of course, my dad, the renegade wizard. she looks deep & far & wide into their souls like galadriel, the lady of the golden wood & finds their true heart i guess?

i was starving to death by the time i got outta there, so i tried calling snookms to see if he wanted to grab lunch at ihop with me. unfortunately he was still in sleepy mode so i flew solo & treated myself to blueberry pancakes. i went there alone regularly on friday afternoons after my psychology classes during the semester, so i kind of missed treating myself since then. lolllll. it's only been two weeks. listen to me!

my mouth feels so shiny & delicate & pretty right now. next stop? to see if snookms new job insurance covers acupuncture treatments!

oh! i keep forgetting to talk about my dreams. one was that snookms was trying to kill me with a steak knife, chasing me around endlessly in our neighborhood, which eventually opened up to this strange obstacle course like atmosphere made from old junkyard parts. it was like the iron giant designed an amusement park in homage to dean or something. it was creepy as fuck though because the whole time i had the kids with me & we kept having to pretend that snookms wasn't trying to kill me because there were all these innocent bystanders around that would "never understand". i fucking hated that dream.

another dream was actually very obstacle course oriented as well. in this one we were all trying out for the real life role of megaman, & everybody got to wear different coloured suits. i was dissapointed as heck in my dream though because we all looked more like tron peoples than potential megamen. we'd all stand in front of the judge, listen to the rules for each obstacle, & then take our places in the different districts of the massive dome they locked us inside of & race each other to see who got the different obstacles finished first. at one point, us contestants had to race together down this ridiculously long water tunnel that had no water in it, & i was all, "what the hell are we doing?" & somebody yelled, "getting equipped by dr. light!". i was like "oh hELL NAWWWW" & was super jazzed to meet this fluffy bearded wizard irl. we slide on down & my claustrophobia starts kicking in really bad (i really do get freaked out on water slides all the time!) and by the time we get to the bottom there is this platform we have to figure out how to reach. the contestant next me goes, "oh! i have to use one of the levitating platform guns that dr. light injected in us!" & there you have it. i woke up without even getting to meet dr. light in my dream. DISAPPOINTMENT PREVAILS

now i am here, watching degrassi & hoping & praying that imogen & fiona will finally get their mack on in this here final episode for the season. i am also debating on whether i should order take out. i hope i say yes.

lin & tenzin sittin' in a tree ...

current mood:

currently listening to: nights in white satin -moody blues

currently watching: "and the winner is ..."

i just got done watching episode 6 of 'the legend of korra'. EVERYBODY IS SO FUKKEN HYPED ON TUMBLR. it's nice to feel the mutual love. i'm sad i missed it this morning on nickelodeon, cause i would have loved to watch all that action my my big screen, but it was so great that i didn't even care about nuthin by the time i was done.

goodnite.

GOODNITE.

goodnight.

cognitive dissonance ...

current mood:

currently listening to: raspberry beret -prince & the revolution

currently reading: my friend dahmer by derf backderf

these past two days have been unproductive as heck. taking 'the morning after pill' (plan B?) has thrown a wrench in my spokes. & for more than in a 'physical discomfort' sense. i've dealt with the emotional tom foolery of it all since, but yeah, don't you just hate how that shit likes to linger? makes me crave a 40.

oh. hey. does anybody remember when ice-t was a dj on those breakin/electric boogaloo movies? when he basically looked like a hella fine swedish death metal scene dude? yeah. that. it's been coming up in my thoughts lately, & like, how fucking impressionable that image of him was to my 10, 11, & 12 year old self. god, he was so beautiful then

okay, so i just finished up reading the last bit of that 'my friend dahmer' graphic novel, & i have mixed feelings about it. i mean, i guess it's going to be hard to find a book like that, with as much detail provided, but yet lacks the ego/ethnocentric ideals this dude has a tendency to splay out. but still, i really found it difficult to not get offended at what he seemed to be intentionally throwing out in the way of his opinions, as if it was common knowledge to automatically feel the way he felt in regard to many of the situations he talked about in the story. there were instances in his thought process where you could tell he really tried hard to be other-oriented in his cognitive processes about the whole ordeal, & at other times he just threw his shit out there, as if what he was saying was "what everyone else was obviously thinking". just that use of the word "obvious" ... when put into a certain context, just makes me want to puke sometimes. this mostly shows in the back of the book, where he cites his "sources". he spent much of the time here inserting his take on the story, which is the opposite of what sources are all about. the book was basically what i expected, but not what i had hoped for. i wasn't looking for a sad story excusing the behavior of jeffrey dahmer. but i was looking for details of his teenage years that could mark off symptoms of what i've come up with in my own personal diagnosis of what it may take for a human being to become a sociopath. & this book did a great job of providing some of that much needed confirmation regarding my own musings. i just hated how he referred to those of jeff's associates as "psychos" because of their rebellious behavior. & some of the other assumptions the author seemed to make in regard to joyce, dahmer's mother, as well as the way he assumed to know what was going on in dahmer's mind at times. but again, i wasn't there, & it's so much easier to accuse someone of having stupid assumptions when you yourself are not put into their situations. so ... i dunno. i felt a certain degree of satisfaction in reading this, & definitely a deep sorrow for the social situation that dahmer had dealt with growing up. i just wasn't up to hearing about all the personal suppositions the author made. i'd like for my dad to read it & get his opinion on it. he grew up in that era of "institutionalized weirdness of the suburban seventies" that the book seemingly does a great job of describing, so it would be interesting to see where my dad stands on all of this.

mordicai's re-cooked version of the cd he previously sent today came in the mail, along with a copy of 'the coldest war' ... a big, fat, super-surprise to me. it is the sequel to 'bitter seeds', which i have yet to read, unfortunately. i will be ordering it soonly tho, because it's been on my tbr list ever since i first read mordicai's review about it. he knows about all the cool books -_-

'the fall' also came, which i had ordered a few days back. going to watch it tonight & i'm really excited about that.

other than that, there is not much else to report. it feels like i forgot something, but i guess i can always mention it in my next blog entry. it's nice to make time to write here regularly again, but i miss class already tho. just not all the deadline bullcrap. :/

dream a little dream ...

current mood:

currently listening to: stupid girl -garbage

currently watching:

my first day off for the summer & i am over here cleaning & blaring the stereo & opening all the doors & windows to air the house out. i love today.

saturday was so much fun. woke up early to get ready for the shooting range since snookms & i didn't make it on our anniversary. i had never been, & snookms wanted to take us to the one in eagle creek since fezziwig & tha jr. were going to be with us. they are very by the book & strict when it comes to gun regulation according to snookms, so he prefers that joint over all the others anyway. plus, it's way the heck cheaper. i was so nervous because i didn't know nearly as much about firearms as i had wanted to before coming there, but all in all, it was a great experience. when you first get there you have a 5 minute orientation of all the do's & don'ts. i really like how they call for a "hot" & "cold" time so that everyone can change out the targets & other stuff. the guns have to be in the down position at all times when not firing, & they will call you out on your shit if you try to walk out with your gun just dangling at your side. i don't know if that's the case at all the other shooting ranges, but snookms seems to highly appreciate the rules & regulations of this particular joint. there's an officer at each alley to supervise too, which helps with the chaos. i love it because it's outdoors too, which helps with my nausea factor since i get sick easily from fumes. they make sure you have hearing & eye protection when phasing into the "hot" aspect, which i sure as hell appreciate with my forgetful jones self.

i started out shooting snookm's 9, but i really liked his 22 rifle because there is no kick. overall snookms said that fezziwig had best aim, (he blew the heck out of the target on spot almost every time) jr. had best improvement, i had the best grouping, & snookms had the best called shot. i can't wait to go back, but i think i might stick with the 22 rifle until i can master using it. MASTER USING IT & YOU CAN HAVE THIS

afterwards i treated snookms & the boys to el rodeo in avon since i know that's snookms' favourite restaurant. i got fajita nachos this time instead of my usual taco/enchilada combo & was so good. i think next time i might ask if they can replace the chips with rice instead though because the chips are kinda gross there.

when we were done there we raced home to relax for a few minutes & meet up with snookms bff because he wanted to show off the truck he was test driving. once that was all done & over with we packed up & headed out to my brother's new place on the lake in cicero to pick up shespawn because she had spent the night there with with her cousins. the drive out there is so beautiful & relaxing, about 45 minutes of driving time i'd say. i had seen his place when he first got it, but it was hella late & hella dark, so i couldn't really appreciate it for the beauty it was. plus my brother & his woman fixed it up really nice, so it was a real treat to come out. the neighborhood he lives in is filled with A-frame houses, which i am a huge fan of, so we took a walk around the neighborhood to admire abodes from afar. there was a vacant house about a block down from my brother's pad, so we were able to walk the property & peek in the windows. it's a foreclosure & i fell in love instantly. dark wood paneling, panoramic view of the lake, & pet sematary like landscaping all throughout. there's a very "silent hill" -ish element all throughout that i kept vibing off of & i just couldn't get that place out of my head. it has a loft! i want it I WANT IT iwantIT! so bad.

after ruminating over that mess it was time to head home. i was still filled with energy & there was just enough light left in the day to mow the lawn. i had jr. & fezziwig start on the side & backyard while shespawn jumped in the shower from riding around town with her cousins all day, & then i mowed the neighbor's backyard & started on the other side of our house. our neighbors always freak out & come running out with beverages whenever they see me & snookms doing that for them, & they always wind up hooking us up the next time they mow their lawns. it's a beautiful relationship. was able to finish up the frontyard in time to enjoy the supermoon for a bit while snookms & i swept up the sidewalk & driveway. came in to take a shower & the intent to settle down with the book mordicai sent (love it already) & realized that snookms is not even home. he slipped out with his bff to get some turfbuilder at meijer & test the 2012 mustang he came pulling up with. his daughter was there the whole time (unbeknownst to be) i was in the shower so she came up behind me & scared the crap outta me while i was blow drying my hair. she was all excited about being able to show me videos of her driving the truck her dad had earlier. she was driving that thing like a champ & she's only 15!

sunday came along & i almost forgot about the cool dinner exchange party that my friend tina invited me to. katie is supposed to make it out sometime, but she didn't make it this time. basically the first sunday of every month a group of us get together & bring some dinner ingredients to cook at tina's huge house & everybody gets to take a portion of every one else's dinner home. i brought some basic seasoned chicken tenders to bake in oven & ingredients for this amazing italian pasta dish that i've nabbed from snookms' brother's wife. it's the suddenly salad kit with artichokes, black olives, & cubed monterey jack cheese slathered in olive oil. i was happy to see it was a hit. i also brought ingredients for fresh strawberry shortcake & tina took a really unflattering picture of my cutting strawberries for it. BLEH. tina's friend molly (the only other person to make it out aside from me & shespawn) made a tomatoe/green & red bell pepper/onion & chicken dish that was really fabulous. i was excited to be able to take some home to snookms & he loved it too.

it was nice to sit & catch up with tina & her family since i haven't seen them in over 3 years. but alas, that is sometimes what shooting babies out of your vagina does to you. you just kind of forget about the outside world for awhile. it's nice to have friends to come back to when you can come back up for air after a while. her hubs works at half price books & has a mean fucking collection of comics downstairs with the rest of their awesome video game set up.

i was so glad to be back home after all the cookage to put my feet up & relax for the evening. enjoyed reading some more of the golem book & went for a late night walk with shespawn before it was time for the kiddoes to settle in for the night. i am so happy the weather has the energizing impact it does on me.

today i am considering starting the necessary research to get my paper in order to resubmit to the atrium. i am kind of at a standstill with one of the requests that the board is making of the paper though. they are under the impression that i am a professor, since that place is where they are meant to send their stuff for publication, & they would like for me to provide concrete examples of those on the autism spectrum displaying verbal communication skills to those who communicate in a 'typical' sense, & those skills being used as an example of how the autistic community has improved communication for those not on the spectrum in a classroom setting. my problem here is that while i have plenty of examples to point out, they have all taken place in my experience as a volunteer teacher's aide at my children's schools, or here in the home where i used to home school my own kiddoes. sooooooo, i'm just like, worried that they are going to tell me to fuck right off since it is not considered an actual professional setting. BUT. i am fully intent on relaying to the board that i am in no way an actual professor & nor do i desire to fake the funk here. if it pulls the rug right out from underneath my operation, so be it. i'd rather be an honest abe than try to play it off like i'm somebody that they may have the impression of me not being.

SO THERE.

i don't hate you anymore ...

current mood:

currently listening to:

currently watching: the runaways

i can't believe how bored i am without any studying or homework to do. i actually ... MISS IT. i guess i miss obtaining knowledge that has specific goals in mind. not that all of that needs to come to a screeching halt just because i'm done with this semester, but i don't have that driving force behind me to get it all done.

i had my last class this morning & aced the psychology final. actually, now that i think about it, i aced the finals for all my classes. & i scored either 100% or 100 + on all of them except the written portion of my access final. got a 90 on that. that's kind of cool i guess, right?

i had been anticipating this week for the last month or so, & a huge knot of worry was clawing it's way up my lower back & it almost took me down last week because i was so nervous about finals & essays. this whole week has wound up being really fun to me though, so i'm kind of sad that i wasted so much time being filled with anxiety about it. i spent monday in recovery mode, but then on tuesday i had to soldier on & get ready for the honors society induction i got invited too. beth, the chairperson for the honors english department was there, & she kept pointing me out to everybody & how excited she was to have me on board. the tables were set up so pretty & they had all kinds of breakfast/brunch delight to choose from. phi theta kappa now has an international president for the chapter & lemme tell you, he is GORGEOUS. long, flowy dreadlocks tied back in the most elegant ponytail, tall, dark, & super slender. he was wearing a suit with all the phi theta kappa regalia & introducing himself to everyone individually before the ceremony started. he had these susan dey/lisa bonnet kind of eyes that just made you want to look far & wide & deep into his soul & he carried himself so professionally, yet humbly.

i had forgotten to text my group partner about me not being able to make it to the final for that morning, since my teacher said i could just make it up another day so that i could attend the induction, & was abruptly reminded when i got a text from her asking where i was. she brought cupcakes & a mixed cd & asked if i could meet up with her at the mcdonalds in the eagle creek area, which i was super excited about because i am a nerd when it comes to the fancier versions of franchises like that. so i agreed to meet with her & we sat & talked & watched the crazy thunderstorm wreak havoc through the streets until it was time for her to go to work. she's like, really into german metal, dubstep, & invader zim. she's going to college to get all professional on the cupcake front, which is really cool if you ask me since i have a bit of an obsession with all those cupcake war shows on tv these days. she made root beer & chocolate chip cupcakes & i ate almost all of them.

the next day i lazed around on the couch all day watching "the chronicles of riddick" & studying for my psychology exam. that was basically the plan for the next two days, just to bury my face in my book, but that night on the way home from taking my kids & their friends to their weekly infusion/churchy thing we saw that the carnival had struck our town & decided to invade it at the last minute. so much unexpected fun on a school night. it was so cute to see the kids squealing like babby piggies on the gravitron.

thursssssssday was the day i had to go make up my final since my interpersonal communications teacher said i could take the day off to go to the phi theta kappa induction & i had time to take a shower & get myself all prettied up. i always get a little braver about my appearance on the last day of school for some reason so i got all dolled up & wore my platform boots & purple velvet leggings & revolver cami. snookms always makes me feel so pretty when i dress like that. i was able to make some lumpia to bring to my professor & stopped at meijer to get her an orchid that reminded me of her & the way she likes to sport yellow & florals all the dang time. i got started on the test right away & stayed after to talk to her for awhile since she is basically what my future self strives to be. she confided in me that she wanted me to become a communications professor like her because she said she could see me doing great in guiding & leading classes the way she does. she gave me a rundown of what she did to get to where she was & was telling me i had a gift for speaking in front of the class. i was getting ready to faint from all the excitement of what she was saying to me at this point & i told her that i would love to do what she does. & she was great at making me feel like this could become a reality. she talked about how i could do presentations on the side too, & that they pay really well. i had been toying with the idea of offering autism awareness presentations at schools these past few months & when she what she said shit just got more real by the minute.

i'll be attending an honors course at the downtown campus in the fall & she was telling me how great the "honors floor" is & that you have to have your own code to get in the door on that floor. she even said there's captain chairs & the lecture room is basically a lounge. i'm new to this aspect of education for the most part. i mean, i did pretty okay in school as a kid, but i never fully applied myself the way i am now. i never got to see the kind of benefits back then that i am reaping now. it's nice to be optimistic.

when i got home from class snookms had cleaned the whole house from top to bottom, vacuumed, swept,mopped, did the dishes, cleaned the bathroom, & made our bed. not gonna even try to lie here folks ... THE CLOTHES JUST FELL TO THE FLOOR

later that night after snookms went to work i felt hella tired so i went to sleep earlier than usual & i didn't get to do my final studying for the night like i had planned. i bolted awake at 4 in the morning & stayed awake until it was time for class, finishing studying. it was actually kind of nice to be in that element. i enjoyed the peace & quiet & the way the sky looks before the sun rises on a humid morning like that.

after i got to class & zipped through the test effortlessly (because psychological disorders & their treatments are my JAM) i decided to take my textbooks to the downtown campus & sell them back for cash. i thought maybe i'd get at the most 70 to 100 bucks for what i had & was overjoyed to realize the books were worth twice that. i'm terrible with surprise money though, so it's always bittersweet in the end when that happens, damnit.

the big, brown truck came by once i got home & my son comes waltzing in with this huge manila envelope. i thought maybe it was the dahmer book i ordered from a day or two ago but it was surprise stuffs from mordicai. i knew about the mix cd, since it was a reply from what i had sent him, but then there was a book too! a golem book! a mike mignola/christopher golden golem book at that! from mordicai!

the rest of this day has just been me floating around in this ethereal kind of form, like the mist cloud from symphony of the night, & i've really been worthless when it comes to accomplishing anything because i'm still high from all the lovely shit happening this week.

shalafi

current mood:

currently listening to: pactum expressum #666

currently watching: 17 again

my plan for the rest of the evening is to write the six page essay for my sociology class that is due mondayyyyyy. i wait until the the last minute to write these things on purpose, i just don't quite know what that purpose yet is. maybe just the drive & fever that writing these things evoke within me? i just know i get this weird feel, like i'm on fire with an internal drive to smite everything around me with my mouth words. once i get started i really love the feeling, but before then, it just kind of gets on my nerves & stresses me out to think about it. most of the time it pays off & serves me well, so i guess i won't cry about it.

i was able to get a response from an atrium member regarding my other paper, & the board gave me some really valuable input & want me to revise & re-submit with their suggestions considered. they said that the paper was of great interest to them, & has a good chance of being accepted. they also want to know whether i should initially pitch the proposal to the soc, psych, or communication department, which i am still in debate over. my heart says psychology, but my grey matter is saying communication. i dunno man. i just wanna be the next carl jung, okay????????

speaking of, i watched 'a dangerous method' a few weeks back & it was one of the better movies i've seen in awhile. i was in love with keira knightley's performance. i found so much of myself in what she was projecting. it was so beautiful & liberating to connect myself in that way to her character. michael fassbender & viggo mortensen were great as carl jung & freud. freud was made to look like the "bad guy", which i personally don't know enough to see the situation in that light, even tho i have a tendency to stray from those kinds of perceptions in the first place.

snookms & i have turned over a new leaf in our relationship that has improved our relationship immensely. & i know we have our ups & downs, but i sincerely felt like our relationship couldn't get any better than it already was. i'm so happy that we're best friends. navigating these uncharted territories in life together with this dude is exactly what my little girl heart had in mind when i was dreaming of a life partner that would get my wants & needs the way he does. we'll be married 16 years this coming friday. i'm excited that he's taking the day off. so far we have plans to go to the shooting range, & then see 'cabin in the woods' afterwards. i'm curious as to why everyone is saying it's so great of a movie.

oh yeahhhhh. the internet has been really fucking boring lately. save a few tumblrs & one specific lj, i have more positive associations logging onto my college campus website than i do anywhere else. i've gotten excited about catching up on google reader tho, especially since snookms & i were able to watch 'the legend of korra' episode this afternoon. i'm all about amon & his chi-blocking shit, even tho i am team tenzin all the way. i was like, HOLY EFFBALLS these em-effers are really gonna do this??? & then i also have questions for tenzin cause i know he know SUMTPIN. i just know it. but yeah. tenzin is sexy. it's like, he's this strict, but not unrelenting teacher. he's willing to let the pieces fall where they may, instead of the whole "my way or the highway" kind of jazz. i seriously did this little happy clap & bounced up & down on the couch with a little girl giggle when he acknowledged that he knew about korra going to the games & that she figured out how to "be the leaf" at the end of the second episode. even tho he didn't approve of her doing that stuff at first, he saw that it was good for her to learn in this way so he showed his happiness for her, instead of being a silent & grudging jerkface about it. WORKS FOR ME.

also, he reminds me of snookms. bad & hard.

my name is a killing word

current mood:

currently listening to: blood -the middle east

currently reading: women writing the weird

ahhhhhhhh, it's so nice to put my feet up & rest. i've been on the go all day, but i'm feeling a good kind of tired. i love this kind!

went to my interpersonal communication class & the professor covered the last chapter in our book today. the next four weeks of class will be presentations & finals. i'm going to miss this teacher so much. i hope we can continue to stay in contact with each other somehow.

got home, said hello to a bright-eyed & bushy tailed snookms, straightened up the house a bit & greeted all my spawn with a good afternoon. they're all on spring break & are getting to sleep in late. it makes me happy to see them get extra rest. i got really restless so i dug the lawn mower out of the garage & proceeded to cut the grass in my snow boots. i decided to wear them this morning to class even though the weather is totally clashing with that decision, but i was too lazy to dig for normal shoes in my closet. my feet were so sweaty when i was done that i could barely walk. i couldn't help but wonder if that's what it feels like when you get stuck in quicksand. (me & my weird childhood self musings). kind of sucked though because the lawn mower kept dying while i was pushing it along & finally it just gave up altogether. snookms came out an hour before he had to go to work & managed to take the whole dang thing apart, fix it & finish mowing the front yard. that dude is a fucking machine, i'm telling you.

after snookms left for work i swept the sidewalk, the driveway & the neighbor's driveway cause our grass blew all the heck over the place. i was sweating so bad that i came right in & took a shower. i love the feeling of walking outside to enjoy the fruits of my labor after a fresh shower. i saw shespawn riding her bike up & down the street & it looked so fun so i threw on my hello kitty pajama boots & a hoodie & we went for a nice bike ride together. afterwards she wanted to go to the park, so i rounded all my teenager nuggets n friends up in the van & headed for the park. it was really boring so we left after 20 minutes & hung out at my mom's for an hour. she took me on her annual gardening tour to show me all the new pretty things that are growing in the yard. her & my dad have transformed their yard into a magical wonderland. i love all the pathways they paved with bricks & rocks & clematis & tulip trails & all this other crazy bleeding heart lushness. my mom really knows her way around a greenhouse!

after we left my mom & dad's house, we headed back home, just to turn around & have to leave again to take fezziwig to his bff's new house. SO TIRED AT THIS POINT.

come home, make spaghetti & hamburgers for dinner, have a nice dinner convo with shespawn & her bff about family grudges. now here i am, dazed & confused & delirious from lack of sleep. heck, i had to break in the middle of this entry just to stop & pick up fezziwig from his friend's house. it's kind of fun to drive late at night with a van full of teenagers on a pretty night like this though, so i'm not complaining. plus snookms is due home from work any minute & i've been missing his face all day. i can't wait to snuggle up to his neck & smell his special snookms' scent (tm!).

ohhhhh yeah. i got an email from one of the members of The Atrium & they said they were excited to read my submission & would get back to me within the next few months. my dad asks me everyday if i've heard anything back from anyone, which is kind of flattering to me that he cares that much. like i said, even if my paper isn't accepted for publication, just all of the things that have taken place in the meantime as a result has been really uplifting.

i think i might go play some guitar before i fall over from sleep deprivationnnnnnnnn. goodnite <3

yang's happy // yang's excited

current mood:

currently listening to: bonfire -childish gambino

currently reading: punktown -jeffrey thomas

1.) comeback kid -sleigh bells

2.) heartbeats -the knife

3.) it took the night to believe -sunn o)))

4.) i luv the valley oh -xiu xiu

5.) heartbeat -childish gambino

6.) eutow -autuchre

7.) pap smear -crystal castles

8.) ceremony -xiu xiu

9.) black lodge -anthrax

10.) serve the servants -nirvana

11.) bonfire -childish gambino

12.) needle in the hay -elliot smith

13.) twin peaks theme -angelo badalamenti

14.) don't want to know if you are lonely -husker du

15.) souvlaki space station -slowdive

16.) white hinterland -icarus

8 miles high

current mood:

currently listening to: don't want to know if you are lonely -husker du

currently watching: the descent

okay, i am seriously not trying to freak the fuck out here. i'm biting my nails in paranoid anticipation. i just submitted a term paper i wrote for my interpersonal communication class to be possibly published as an academic journal. my professor for the class sent me an email saying that the atrium is a place for faculty to submit work, but felt that i was already a part of their community, that my work was worth highlighting & said that i would go far. I AM BLARING HUSKER DU & TRYING NOT TO HAVE A HEART ATTACK OVER THE EXCITEMENT OF ALL THIS SHIT

i have no one to talk about all this to right now so here's my next best bet.

also, i went downtown on wednesday to meet up with the director of the honors program for liberal arts & she wants me to join. i would have to change the direction of the degree i am currently pursuing, but this might actually be okay with me because i originally wanted to aim for liberal arts, but got talked out of it at the last minute. so, i don't know. i'm just freaking out a little right now because it all seems like so much to take in, & i don't have anyone to talk to since snookms is at work.

in other news, tomorrow/tomarrow snookms, the spawn, & i are going to see hunger games. then i'll be heading to mysty's for ghoul's night in/slumber party to watch horror movies with a bunch of fellow mysty worshippers, and to have pillow fights, paint each other's nails & crank filthy doom metal.

oh! & my psychology teacher said "fuck" today & that made me fall for her. here i was thinking i couldn't hang with her neurosis, because of my own baggage that i already carry around for myself, & then her chaos ensued today in such a way that many of my parts live vicariously through. she talked about living on a reservation for 3 years & how she knew exactly what profession she wanted to pursue the second she met her psychology professor because she came to class with her dogs on a leash & muddy boots, not giving a fuck what anyone thought. i dunno. just seeing her be so passionate today, instead of the default "rigid" mechanism she typically sets in to. it... did something to me. affected my perspective, i s'pose.

i love knowing the details, you guys. details about everyone & every thing. there are no words to describe how much i thrive on this kind of information about an individual. from then on, you become my cognitive play thing. YOU HAVE NO IDEA

TTFN

haunt me

current mood: so many sexual thoughts

currently listening to: haunt me -arab strap

currently watching: it's kind of a funny story

it's been really easy to feel things lately. to like, have emotions that are intense. i've been feeling more irritability, more joy, & more sadness, than i have in a long time. i conditioned myself over time to not let those emotions get the best of me, because they had for so many years of my life, & i really wanted to stop making an ass of myself.

NEWSFLASH RACHEL: YOU STILL ARE GREAT AT MAKING AN ASS OUT OF YOURSELF

i dunno tho. i don't even care anymore honestly. i'm getting too old for facades. let me eat my protein bar & drink my stevia-seasoned coffee with almond milk & be on my merry way. WHATEVER.

i thought that maybe going to school & pursuing a degree in something i had always hoped & dreamed of doing would take some of the fire out of my heart. & it did for a while, but it didn't extinguish the hatred permanently like i thought & hoped it would. i think the only hope i have for myself is accepting that it exists in me & to know when i need to allow it to be my driving force, & when it needs to take a backseat & allow my Utopian like tendencies to take the reigns. but like, i dunno, hasn't my hatred always been part of my idealistic future? i guess i allowed myself to think unrealistically about this part of myself, as if it was okay to just abandon it & pretend that it didn't exist. if i recall correctly, that's what got me in the mess i was in the first place. in my Utopia, IT IS GREAT TO HATE <3

i've been getting butthurt by so many things lately tho, & it's been really hard to let go & move on. burying myself in my studies has helped a lot, & going on the occasional tumblr binge & purge, but then there's these quiet moments where the voices come alive & i'm ready to fight to the death.

also, i'm sincerely grappling with the concept of becoming a mitigation specialist. it just recently occurred to me that i could be happy pursuing that kind of an occupation. sociology has bewitched me, body & soul you guys.

gauging the backlash

current mood:

currently listening to: arboretum -unwound

currently watching:

i am burning to the ground

i cannot see

anything around me

because the core is blind

& she is the only one left

bff's for life

current mood: serve the servants

currently listening to: pennyroyal tea -nirvana

currently watching: howl's moving castle

(me, ~eriN)

backsliding

current mood: because fuck you, that's why

currently listening to: black houses -portal

currently watching: elfin lied

(gpoy)

dancing with myself

current mood: when that 3:33 beat drops i almost die of heartache every time

currently listening to: kiss distinctly american -q & not u

currently watching: poltergeist 2

i've been fantasizing about sleep all day long but i don't want to go to sleep now that i actually can. going off of 3 to 4 hours of sleep a night has taken it's toll on me this week. i can't wait to climb back under our nightmare before christmas comforter with snookms tomorrow morning once i drop the kids off at school. often times just envisioning that as a standalone feature is better than porn. snuggling with sleepy snookms is my favourite.

i took my first computer test tonight. i got an 88 on the written portion, but i probably won't know until next week what i got on my hands on test. i know i messed up at least once, because i can't figure out how to not break up a line of text that wants to break to a new line. is it something to do with ctrl, shift, & space, or what? it was driving me nuts not being able to figure it out.

i'm still waiting on the results for my 1st psychology test, & i'll be taking my first test for sociology next monday. i'm kinda looking forward to exercising my testing ability in that class. i feel like i have learned so much useful information in such a short time just because of the reading. when class is over i wish it wasn't because i want to learn more & hear more. the professor for that class was a defense attorney for kids who were getting pinned with the death penalty. she has so many stories that i am fully immersed in hearing.

oh yeah. i guess i can talk about my new diet. i went to a long overdue physical last week & was told i had hypoglycemia. i had sort of figured that since my brother got diagnosed with it when he was locked up in prison the year before... we had shared the same symptoms. but hearing it out loud from the doctor was the kick in the pants i needed to shift my dieting gears. first i started out just completely staying away from anything sugary in the morning, which worked fine, & then when i came back for a recheck, the doctor said i had lost some weight so the diet must be doing me some good is what she said. it motivated me to want to continue improving so i got online & found all kinds of substitutes for meat & dairy & sugar. don't get me wrong, i am by no means a vegan, nor a vegetarian. but i am tryna go whole foods so i can get all this ridiculous fat build up out of my body. i still eat meat, but i try to do it sparingly. dairy has been pretty easy to resist because fuckyeahALMONDMILK. & i found a non-dairy ice cream today that is pretty rad too. i've been stocking up on beans, cooking them for a day & then freezing single portions to warm up in the microwave for the sake of convenience. it's been working out pretty well so far.

at first i started hating eating, because i was training my brain to eat for sustenance instead of enjoyment. everything tasted so gross compared to what i was used to eating. but now that i've gotten more used to it i have come to enjoy it.

i guess i am going to start reading some more before i fall asleep sitting up. it feels so good to not have any pressing obligations right now. & all at 12:24 a.m.