Friday, June 8, 2012

heartbreak hotel

current mood:
currently listening to:
currently watching: ghost hunters

this nightshift business is killing me. it's getting harder & harder to appease my loneliness for snookms each day. from about 5 pm until the minute he gets home it's like a heavy stone set on my chest every time i think about or remember him, which is like, every second of my life.

i had a real big fat ugly crey at this last appt with my therapist yesterday. so totally unexpected. i couldn't wait to share the great news with mother katherine about how my communications professor is walking me through the process of becoming a communications professor as well. & how she is taking me down to iupui in a few weeks to fill out paperwork to transfer there next spring. which, i did totally spill my guts about to her, for the most part. but i guess i've been carrying around a massive amount of sorrow in my heart because of my baby brother being in prison for the second time around. it's hard to feel great about my successes when i know a part of me is locked away in some place struggling to get by some nights. i lock it away in the deepest recesses of my heart, but everyday i think of him & what more i can be doing to help him. some days i struggle with it because i wonder if anything will ever make a difference. i forget to have hope when things continually get harder & harder for him. it pulls a part of me further & further into a despair that is really difficult for me to realize, because there is a default mechanism in me that remembers just how to operate beneath the surface of the managing persona that gets me from day to day. it got buried so deep. & when i addressed this to mother katherine i fucking fell apart & just started bawling my eyes out. thankfully mother katherine is a wizard at that shit, otherwise i would still be a hot fucking mess right now.

so. anyways.

yes. my communications professor is coming with me to meet up with her husband, who is already attending iupui, & we are going to fill out paperwork & get things set up so that i can transfer there next spring hopefully. almost all the credits i have accumulated transfer over to the degree i am now pursuing, and oh. hey. EXCITE. i don't have to take any more math classes! so there is a big fat plus for my future grade book at least. when i looked over all the classes required of me to get both a ba & ma, i was overjoyed & i seriously can't wait to partake of this knowledge.

let's see. things that have happened since the last time i journaled ...

oh. took the kids & snookms to go see tchernobyl diaries on their last day of school. it was a fun movie. great for spooking & making people jump. & i kept wondering what videogame shespawn & i had recently played that the tour guide's voice reminded me of. it never did occur to me & then shespawn quietly announced "call of duty" & i was like "OH! BLACK OPS, dUHHHH!" so that was pretty funny.

& then there was the indoor waterpark that snookms' mom treated us to the weekend after (which was last weekend). that is an annual haunt for turner party of 5, so i was expecting to be underwhelmed but hey you know what? that place never gets old. it's the next best thing to getting a hotel on the beach, & for a heckuva lot cheaper. plus, it's a lot less stressful to just let the kiddoes run rampant & do whatever the want. almost all the hotels have an atrium view of the main pool, which has a hot tub, & gaming area, & pool side service bar. cutesy beiber music is blasting all day & night & the smell of fresh baked chocolate chip cookies wafts through the air, & yes, first person shooter arcade version of aliens is right there across from our room to get me ready for seeing prometheus at imax this sunday.

i love how the place is set up. there is public access from our balcony to walk past neighboring balconies, which ultimately take you to the massive waterpark beyond. there is a pool where you can play basketball, 3 waterslides, a kiddie pool area, & two hot tubs. the place is 80 degrees all day every day. & upstairs is a videogame lounge where shespawn & i played doubles on guitar hero in our dripping wet bathing suits. we got to play deftones "hole in the earth" & both nailed it on hard, along with rock me like a hurricane, helicopter, & dead kennedys' "holiday in cambodia". so much fun. our time was split between doing that, jumping in the hot tub, running around in the halls in our bikinis pretending we where in silent hill's vacant quarters, playing aliens, & torturing snookms with our half-assed attempts at stifled snickers & giggles when we should have been sleeping. we also got free breakfast at the buffet too! we came home feeling like we just got back from daytona beach, & that is a nice feel, right there.

today, i had 5 teenagers to lug around & keep entertained, since shespawn's bff stayed the night, & their cousin as well. we went to avon park & walked the trails to the legendary haunted bridge. my kids were all crazy enough to climb to the very top of it & were walking the tracks like they belonged on the set of stand by me. it scared the hell out of me tho, so i made them get down.

when that was done we stopped at kfc & got the buffet there, where we were all able to feel refreshed from the aggravating circumstance of summer heat. on the drive home it was suggested that we get tenacious d at disc replay & watch it later tonight along with breakfast club, so that is the agenda for tonight, once everyone settles in.

when we made it home, we rested before it was time to go see my new friend off before she moves to north carolina for the summer. she's the one that sat next to me in my communications class & was part of the group presentation we had to put together at the end of the semester. she also made me the dubstep mix cd & root beer cupcakes that i ate the shit out of. i felt a sincere sense of sadness when we hugged goodbye. i'll miss that pixie cut of hers & that vampire hunter d smile ...

oh yeah! i forgot the nice little meetup i had with mysty to get our taro fix at yogokiss. that girl has a way with making me feel her love for heavy ass drone. she got to see godflesh live & she said she came out of pit retirement for that shit because it was just too much to handle. hearing her light up over such dark brooding contempt ... so many feelings.

there is a good chance i will be able to go see her husband's band "black goat of the woods" play at the melody inn this sunday, provided i get outta prometheus in time this sunday. i really can't wait for either of them, as i've been looking forward to both for a very. long. time.

& now here i sit, waiting for snookms to come home so i can rub his beard & let it heal all my brokenness <3.