Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Why Snookms is a Fell Beast & Other Tales


I'm tryna keep my head above the water, avoid drowning in this bullshit storm that is passing, but it's been real hard, y'know? When one thing happens, okay! Fine! I can deal, but when repeated things happen over and over and over, you sometimes just want to throw your weapon down & allow that volley of arrows to pierce your flesh & put you outta your goddamn misery already. Sheesh!

Whatever though.

Well, soon Mysty is off to Vegas to get hitched. On freaking Hallow's Eve. She is going to all the explicit haunts down there too. I'm not jealous or anything, I'll just miss her. I think she will have a blast with Werewolf. & they deserve a blast if anyone does.

I was looking at Snookms all passed out on the couch late last night (I had insomnia!) & realizing how much a fell beast he truly is. He's like, a balrog in human form, from the darkest descent. I can't help but taking pride in knowing I had SOMETHING to do with his slaying, & that he is now a trophy on my couch to gaze upon whilst he slumber. I mean, there was so much darkness in this kiddo that he can now no longer bear to look darkness in the eye. He was full to the brim with it. His whole life was covered in shadow. I love that shadow, that darkness. He teases me & claims Mysty and I are 'goth', but I tell you, he is the 'gothest' of them all folks! Just because he hides underneath a Colts hat & a pair of comfy fitting jeans, that don't mean shit. There is darkness galore beneath all that Footlocker apparel. You can see it brooding in the midnight hour. And he is mine; for me! Mine all mine...

We've been arguing like mad lately though, like, like fucking brother & sister. It's been ridiculous. None of that detrimental bullshit though, where we question our sanity & such, it's just over stupid little shit, like, "Put your fucking socks away!" Or, "I already told David he could have a soda!" or, "There isn't enough money in the bank for that!" It's been amusing but annoying. I was telling him last night about NaNoWrimo & how I was considering entering; & he said the funniest things. Like, "You should just find a book that nobody has heard of & type that in." & then I was like, "Naw, cause if they announce you as a winner that shit is known all around the world man, someone is bound to find out!" & then he was like, "Yeah, but then you'd be INFAMOUS." & I was like, "Yes, but for all the WRONG reasons" & then he came back with, "But still though, you'd have everyone's attention. And THAT'S when you come back with writing a book titled, "NaNoWrimo; Why I Cheated & Who I Cheated From"! I couldn't help but giggle about that, because that is how things seem to pan out for the infamous. He's a funny little fell beast, he is.

Our weekend was okay; didn't get to do much of anything, our fucking check is locked up at 5/3rd! I mean, I couldn't even really do groceries? Much less anything else. I'm okay with not doing things, that just fine; but when I can't even get groceries just because the bank hasn't had a chance to update their system, knowing full well the money's in there, that just makes my britches do a dance o' anger. Like, weeping & gnashing of teeth kind of shit! It was pretty annoying.

Friday the 13th was on Spike Friday night, so Jr. & I stayed up late watching it. I have to admit that it was STILL spooky to watch, even after all these years. The bad part is that I kept dosing off though, & I was worried that there would be a part that might be too intense for Jr., & I didn't want to miss it on account of my lazy ass, so I kept bolting awake all freaked the heck out. But alas, it was edited.

Jr. had to get his immunizations updated on Friday as well, which I didn't realize even needed updating; I mean he's 13 now, so I thought most of that shit was over with? But the doctors wanted to stick him full of H1N1 vaccine, DTP (tetanus & booster), MMR (measles, mumps, rubella) & some chicken pox vaccine. I was like shit! That's WAY too much? So they only gave him the first 2, but I tell you, I was regretting that decision from here on out man. It took 3 grown adults to hold him down; & not only that but boy did he scream! I was not anticipating this outcome at all! He never freaked out before, it was strange to see Tha Jr. reacting this way. He's older now, y'know? But he totally fought us, tooth & nail, & screamed like a banshee. When the doctors left the room he even cried. Boy did I feel like shit. He later accused me of being one of 'them'; of the ones that held him down. He asked me, "Why'd you do that? I couldn't escape!" I tried explaining to him that it would've only hurt more, but he was not tryna hear that.

Ah well. You live & you learn I s'pose.

Amongst all this are some good things.

One good thing is that my brother is due to be released from prison. None of our family quite know yet where he is to go from there, which is driving me up the fucking wall because I just want to be able to embrace him fully; without time constraints or rules & regulations on just how long I get to hold my brother in my arms. I've been able to visit him lots, but it just isn't the same as having his presence minus the law breathing down your neck, y'know? I even had a dream that he showed up at my front doorstep with my mom, & he was all handsome & shiny in his new clothes & new haircut. We just sat on my frumpy couch and chatted the afternoon away. I awoke from the dream wanting to cry in realizing that it hadn't come true. Soon enough I s'pose.

Other good things to report are all the awesome things that were said about our spawn when we took them to their conferences last week. Fezziwig's was first & I was nervous initially, it is our 1st in dealings with a male teacher. But he just couldn't stop talking about how good of a kid David was, & that he was a very smart boy; all that kind of a thing. At one point the teacher even looked both Snookms & I in the eyes & said, "Good kids don't happen on accident. You guys are doing SOMETHING right." That made us feel great!

Next was She-Spawn's conference, & right away the teacher handed Carmen the "A" honor roll award & said that her & her best friend scored the highest in all of the 4th grade for their NWEA testing. So She-spawn was all a flutter & didn't know how to act about it. Teacher said she was a pleasure to have in class, & get this, she says, "And oh! We have a WRITER on our hands!" I was tickled through and through....

After that was Tha Jr's @ his Jr. High. I can't get over how all the students damn near look like adults. It freaks me the hell out because it only seems like just yesterday we were changing Jr's diaper & tucking him in bed all tight & cozy like a little burrito. & now here he is rolling with the big wigs. He IS a big wig! All his teachers said so too. It was so adorable to see Mike interact with his teachers & share inside jokes & talk about things I had no clue about. It tells me he is flourishing, & all independently. I was very proud. & that teacher! The one that kept giving me shit about looking like a student; she is Jr.'s language arts teacher! Can you believe it? So right away she spotted me & was like, "Hey, it's YOU!" We started cracking up, & I'm realizing I know her. I've seen her around. Then I'm like, "You used to take your kids to the free lunch at school during the summer didn't you?" & she's all, "That's where I know you from!" We started cracking up some more & I was like, "Yeah, you were the only other mom besides me that looked like she had just woke up at noon & dragged all her kids to get lunch before it was over". She totally got me & we had our laughs. She looked at Mike & was like, Did you tell him about me? About harrassing you in the halls? & we were like, "yep, yer the one!" She's pretty sexy too, she's got this surfer chick build, very masculine, but not at all afraid to display her femininity. She's got ink on her neck in some other language & she wears mini skirts without batting an eye. I love it. She was totally supportive of Jr. & saying how great of a kid he was, just like all the other teachers said.

So all in all it was a victorious night. In a way, conference night is like a 'paycheck' for me. It tells me all Snookms & my hard work has paid off. It means a lot.

Well, I've yammered on long enough here, it's just been a long while since I last journaled. With the kids on Fall break all last week, it's no wonder all I wanted to do was lay around & watch them play Twilight Princess. They have all the mirror shards now though, so it was worth it you see?

Monday, October 19, 2009

All Around Fun!

Paranormal Activity has me a tad scared to be home alone. & the spawn have been taking it upon themselves to freak the shit outta me. Little bastards. I shall get them yet!

So yeah, Paranormal Activity was great fun all around. I enjoyed myself very much so. It also didn't help that MystyMayhem was belting out screams that would've made Phil Enselmo proud though. Her feet were in the fucking AIR I tell you!! The goddamn AIR. It was ... hilarious ...

Friday night was so much fun. It was originally going to be dinner @ El Rodeo for Mysty's bacherolette partay, but wound up cancelling due to unforeseen circumstances, but again, got booted back up & we wound up going to Q'doba for din din w/ Mysty's adorable sister & other awesome best buddy Machell.

After dinner we headed up to Metropolis to see th 7:55 showing of Paranormal Activity, you already heard all about that. But I tell you, I was fully satisfied with this film. It was spooky in all the right ways & in the end I was totally fabricating the demon to look like a naked Akem from Vampire Wars.....

Quite adorable. I was utterly reduced to fangrrl status when the demon straight DRAGGED Katie outta her bed. That was an UNFORGETTABLE moment, one I replay in my head over & over. & then the stalker/sleepwalking shit. FUCKING A!!! I heart evil Katie.

Okay, so after that, Mysty's sista' took us to Mysty's Metal Mansion so her sister could head home (she had a hot date!) & then we all stood around for a few chit-chatting w/ some of Mysty & Werewolf's pals about tripping on shrooms while watching signs & being in love with Mel Gibson & Joan Rivers banging Mel to piss Gilbert Godfrey off. It was great fun.

Finally we were off, our clan o' 3 (again! except minus Brandi candy) & headed south for Greenwood. Asylum House is one of them haunts where the actors/actresses are allowed to touch you. I'd never been, but Mysty had, so Machell & I were in for a real treat!

We found the place without too much trouble, deep deep into some woods & shit; only added to the enchantment of the night? The line was trailing out the door so it gave us ample time to smoke n chat; (a few of my favourite things?) & share spooky stories. We were pleasantly surprised by the time the line entered the actual building, & rightly so; they were playing Creepshow on a projector that cast a lovely shadow behind us! We paid @ the counter where one could purchase Depends if one felt so inclined; I thought it was pretty fucking funny at least?

So we chit-chatted away the midnight dreary until it was finally our turn to 'go'. We were given the rundown of what the Asylum had to offer & then we were on our merry way.

Right away I was screaming pansy style; they made me be in front! There was this point where you had to wear 3-D glasses passed out by an adorable Chuckie (he/she was like, only 10 or so prolly?) & had to walk this 'Through the Looking Glass' kind of bridge & I was stumbling around like a drunkard because of the awesomeness of the effects. It was great.

All in all, I say it was worth the 17 dollars admission, it got to a point where I was like, "Damn, this thing STILL ain't over?" but I didn't really want it to be anyway.

I think one of the more poignant moments of the evening is when we were being chased by a 7ft tall Jason character & suddenly Mysty is asked "Are you Mysty?" You hear this beautiful feminine voice eminating from 7ft of terror & Mysty just stops in her tracks & is like, "Um, yeah?" So this character unveils herself & says something like, " I know you. That is all".

I dunno. It was a turn on, cause like, even the demons speak of her name, Mysty is that legendary. I always pick the awesome ones?

Such a beautiful night. I also owe Mysty a pack of Newports, she supersurprised me @ the gas station when I was wrestling with the ATM machine (stupid machina!) & had my hard pack purchased all along. Such sweet destruction.....

I made my way home through the night & came home to a boat investigation Snookms & one awake Spawn. They were all giggles & pranks so it made the night even sweeter. The other 2 spawn were fast asleep (the Jr. had an 8:30 chess tournament in the morn' which went awesome btw!) so Snookms & I had our fun & giggles terrorizing the Awake One whilst it tried to slumber. He finally got fed up & started batting emptily at the air around him, which in turn induced a MASSIVE amount of laughter on Snookms' & I's behalves. (Is behalves even a WORD?)

But yes, a great way to end the night.

The next morning Snookms woke up early to take tha Jr. to his chess tournament, so the other 2 spawn & I lounged around in the living room all morning & well into the afternoon under leafy quilts; they let me speak of Paranormal Activity & I told them EVERYTHING about the movie while they listened intently & were appropriately frightened. Then we elected to play Twilight Princess while eating leftover junk food from my movie ventures the night before. Twilight Princess is heartbrakingly beautiful on HD, which we only have in our living room, but I am telling you, it is a sight for sore eyes people! The spawn wanted to show me all the latest gadgetry they had accumilated since the night before while I was gone & it was awesome. They were able to get the Master Sword & they can now transform into Wolf Mode whenever they like.

Fezziwig had a b-day party to attend @ 1:30 so we started ungluing our tushies from the couches & headed to Walmart to get his pal a gift. We're skulking about in the electronics section when lo & behold; what do I see??? 'A Boy & His Blob' for Wii!!! I about crapped my pants in amazement, I was so dumbfounded. That was one of my all time fav NES games to play, it had such an enigmatic appeal to it, the questing, the discovery, definately a 10 or 11 on that sort of scale in my personal opinion, & then here they have a stunningly beautiful remake of what you had originally been picturing in your mind all along. It's a game where you have this faithful & loyal blob following you around everywhere & all you have are various flavoured jellybeans to help aid you in your quest. Depending on which jellybean you feed this cute little thing, it will change into different items, like ladders, or holes in the ground, or trampolines, or even, (my personal favourite!) a ROCKET! So like, that was in the old version, right? But yeah, I'm hoping in the new version they won't forget the Root Beer Jellybean, cause dammit all ta hell, I wanna see some rocket action Wii graphics style!

I currently don't have 40 fat ones to blow on a game, but let me tell you, I will be saving every penny for this little bitty. It is my new PRECIOUS. We wantssssss it.

So after all that cajoling about at Walmart, we dropped Fezziwig off at Jump n Play & my She-Spawn was hella jealous of all the fun that Fezziwig was to be having. So I placated her with El Rodeo for lunch & then afterwardz promises of pummeling through the Halloween section of Walmart. So we did & it was fun.

The rest of the day was spent relaxing (mostly on my behalf) & boat building (yes, Snookms really DID build a motherfucking BOAT!) I took a 2 or 3 hour nap & woke up to a boat in my front yard. I was ... beyond shocked. It looked freaking amazing, but of course, that is the Way of the Snookms, everything that is produced from his effort is; but I was totally taken aback at how fast he works his might & magic. He was kinda pissed though I guess, cause when he tried to remove the boards he'd screwed in the middle of the boat (to bow the wood?) it cracked the front of the boat, so he had to make a quick run to Menards to find fix for it. So while he was gone the spawn & I scampered about the boat & took pictures:

& then here is Snookms with the 'final' product:

Pretty great, ya?

I say 'final' cause he still actually has alot to do with it; like seal it with stuff I have no idea about & other little details that I don't get, but he does, so it's all good. I am so in awe of Snookms' skill. *pets pretty Snookms' head*

Later that evening I made pumpkin sugar cookies & we "tried" *tried, TRIED, TRIED* I tell you! to rent 'Phantasm' off On Demand, but apparently we suck, cause On Demand wouldn't let us. So I puttered around miserably & we just sorta sat around & boat admired & stuff.

The next day we all went to the punkin patch with my bro Eric & his little spawn & Snookms mama wound up showing up at the last minute with 2 of Snookms' sister's spawn, so it was a lot of family fun. Snookms found the biggest punkin, like EVAR? & then manage to drop it due to *ahem* 'gorilla glue on his hands that he had to use on the boat last night & that managed to get stuck on his hands & make them slippery' but the punkin didn't bust! It did, however, bust the other little punkin it landed on, so boo on that. But it was pretty hilarious.

So we now have our purdy little family o' 5 regarding the punkin biz, & I am wholeheartedly contemplating a Dream carving for mine. It's kinda hard to find Dream in his masked apparatus, but that is the Dream that I am dreaming a little Dream of, so we shall see. I brake for a masked Dream, y'know????

*credit goes to: ~Soulshriek

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Writers that I actually give a fuck about what they're saying

This post has long been formulating in this little noggin o' mine.

I guess I'll start with Sex.

Yep. Sex Scenes at Starbucks.

I started stalking her keen writing style a year or so ago. Seems like it's been way more than that. I would read her blogs, in awe of her honed skill, imagining what it would one day be like to actually be brave enough to leave a comment. I was in awe of her ability. Taken aback by her honesty, her ability to wield her words with such might.

I even ventured to imagine what it would be like to be one of the lucky ones on her blogroll. My fantasies run deep y'know?

I'm ridiculous when it comes to my hero worship. Broken you say? Hell yeah I'm broken enough to worship people. Profiles that are not easily profiled intrigue the SHIT outta me. Sex is one of those cats.

Today, a year and some odd months later, I'm at the top of this kitty's blogroll, labeled as her 'stalker'.

Cause, yeah. That's what I am. I stalk what I like. I look up details, find useless information & collect it for my personal amusement; use it to further my knowledge in the area of their happenings. What makes them tick; what makes em don't, if you catch my drift?

I s'pose the deciding factor here of whether or not I choose to pursue my little obsessive ways with these small handfuls of 'writersthatIactuallygiveafuckaboutwhatthey'resaying' is whether or not, given the new set of information I have in my grubby little paws, indeed CAN be fit into a profile, or rather, a 'demographic'.

The winners are usually the ones that don't. Can't. Won't.

I like that. I like my enigmas to stay enigmas. I enjoy having something to figure out. I may not like every single thing about you, but if I can't fit you into a neat little category so easily, I definately have my fun trying to analyze & figure you the hell out til I can.

If I can't, well all the better for you if you like being on my covetous 'list'.

So yeah. Sex is a writer that I actually give a fuck about what they're saying. Mad props to you lady.

She is working on an SF novel titled SILVER SCAR. I am anticipating the FUCK out of the completion of this. The premise, the characters, her ability to make these characters come alive, the wrestling of affairs. I see this as something on the verge of BIG. Like big BIG.

If it falls into the right hands.

It needs to find the right master. To put it out there just like she wants it to. I foresee action figures being erected in the future of this. Castile & Trinidad in battle mode, Castile & Trinidad taking bed with one another (what? a girl can dare to dream, can she not?) & like, cute little weapons to don said characters & such.

I'm anticipating such greatness here, & this is why:

"SILVER SCAR is Science Fiction. I'm striving for some other features, like gender-bending, a thriller format, and religious themes that're sure to piss folks off, but at its heart, it's SF. I doubt I'd market it another way. "

& that's straight from the horse's mouth yo.

There is so much more, but if you wanna know more, you'll have to do the diggin on yer own. I've got a few others I wanna shine the light on here. :)

Adam Lowe.

I met him via Ozymandias, a google group formed awhile back with Kelley Eskridge & Nicola Griffith being the creators of said group. We had our 'fun' throwing ideas around & getting to know one another somewhat; the group itself is at somewhat of a presumptious 'end', hasn't had any thread action for quite some time now.

But what I came back with was another handful of entities that intrigued me with their passion, their creativity, their ability to redefine what most like to classify and put into groups and categories.

Adam is of that handful that refuses (whether he elects to do this or not) to fit into the 'mold' everyone seems to want to encourage others to surrender to & I continued to follow him around like a lost little puppy, excited to see where his projects would land.

Troglodyte Rose is one of them.

Here is a juicy little rundown of why I have chosen to silently stalk him as well...

This is an excerpt from the book:

We are inside Hell. How can I describe it any other way?

I can feel the fires of the glass works. I can smell the sulphurous breath of our chthonic gods.

I live in squalid darkness and breathe filthy air.

My name is Rose and I’ve never seen the sky.

& then, if you aren't intrigued enough by that, here's some mo':


Troglodyte Rose is the new dark fantasy novel from Leeds author Adam Lowe. Set in an undetermined far future where mankind lives underground, enslaved by their own, more evolved descendents, the psychic Limbids, who live in a vertical city in the world above. Rose is the anarchic heroine, who blusters into the narrative with a gun and a bad attitude, accompanied by her hermaphrodite lover, Flid. Tiring of running from winged troops of genetically engineered monster-police, and sick of an economy that relies on slavery and cannibalism, she and Flid spend their days wallowing in computer games left over from a previous, lost civilisation and taking every high they can get their fingers on.

At rock bottom they try the most dangerous, illegal drug of all: the legendary Haze. They soon discover the real reason why it is illegal: the Limbids themselves rely on its mind- and reality-altering powers to fuel their own psychic abilities. And with the Haze in their grasp, they can journey to myriad alternate universes, meeting talking dragons, swimming amongst the sunken ruins of New York and rescuing alien princesses from eternal slumber.

But soon even that's not enough. Rose wants to see the sun. She wants to make a difference. So assembling a ragtag band of fugitives and liberals, she resurrects an old plot to overthrow the oppressive government and escape to the world above. Can she defeat the Hegemon and escape the Justicar beasts chasing her? Read and find out.

& now that he's got your attention, go get you a copy!!!!!

Troglodyte Rose is due out in limited edition hardback (100 numbered copies) 30th October, priced £13.99, and is available from all good bookshops, or direct at troglodyterose.com. It also features six pages of full-colour artwork from award-winning TOR/DC Comics duo Kurt Huggins and Zelda Devon, which can also be viewed at the fully-interactive website . Paperback version available Spring 2010.

I've already reserved a hardback, autographed edition, & I humbly await it's pages to be turned, nestled in my lap along with a Peppermint White Mocha & Electric Wizard playing as white noise in the backround.

So like, THAT'S the kind of shit that I dig. That's the kind of shit that makes me world go 'round.

One last little rant. Promise.

My Redhead.

My Blue Eyed, pale faced Mane of destruction.

She has me wringing my hands in anticipation. All the fucking time.

She is not a boaster. She doesn't come aloud with wizardrous might to brag of her steadfast virtues & ability to make you devoid of all you once were, even though she can.

The Protector in Her burrows deep. It reigns in a plane of existence not well known to this realm. It is a Deity in it's own right & makes Chaos it's left hand of Destruction. It is slow to anger, yet quick to praise. But I will tell you right now, do not anger this Protector. It's portent is of the Unknown, & still waters run tragically deep.

You get a sense of legendary status here, in knowing this part of Mysty. Her quiet observance can sometimes be mistaken for nonchalance; perhaps even lack of interest in some cases?

Little do you know, she has taken care to collect every facet, every fragment of your essence, & concocted along with it her own recipe in a vial that will always be the poison, the bane of your existence if you dare to make a false move against Her.

That is her way. & I love Her way. Her astute observation.

I awaited her permission to repost this.

She obliged most willingly & I was more than delighted to be able to share with the world how amazing she is.

She sent me this in an email the other night & it struck to the core of my heart & made me rethink life in a way that I thought I would never've thunk it.

I love people that can do that to me.

it is raining steadily when we rush out of the movie theatre.
it's close to midnight, the witching hour they say. we're giggling
with abandon as we scurry down the concrete ramp toward her car.
fog clings to the lights planted in the ground along the path.
it hangs suspended in the air, heavy and thick ~ like my lust for her.
we are all soaked, she the only one without a jacket. the thin
grey top she's wearing offers no protection; but offers my greedy
eyes a veritable feast.
despite the wet and the chill, she runs to the passenger door and unlocks
it so i can seek refuge from the rain first. such chivalry, always
the gentleman.
i lean over and unlock her side. she jumps in, shivering with the cold.
she busies herself lighting a cigarette, and i stare. absorbing all
of her that i can. tight black curls seeping with rain. droplets snaking down
dark golden arms. her face dewey and soft, as i imagine it might be when
she is sexually satisfied.
i'm dying to touch her. to reach out and feel the soft slant of
her purple rimmed eye. to trace a finger down the soft flesh of her arm, following
the rain as it drips down to her thighs. to wrap my hands full of those
curls. to feel her.
i shake from my daze and try to fight off the hypnosis she unknowingly wields
over me. i look out the window into the darkness and think only of the starshine
in the car with me.
and live to love another day.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

A Narrative Means to a Sober End?

So I've elected to volunteer for this new 'training' method that my therapist wants to try out.

It has to do with flashback moments, for the sufferers of PTSD. I guess like, when a traumatic image surfaces itself in one's mind? Well, my therapist is working on this EMDR method, where there is a sort of 'healing' that takes place in that visual moment of relapse, using a bilateral approach as a distraction from the negative thoughts that have a tendency to automatically occur when hit with a wave of pictured trauma.

In whatever session we elect to do this 'training', I will choose an image which causes trauma, & from there we work together to speak aloud of this trauma, identifying all the negative labels I have put upon myself in correlation to this image, & while I am doing this she will be using whatever manipulatives to visually distract me while I am experiencing all of this. Then we will seek to redefine what positive things I could say about myself in that traumatic moment, kind of retraining my mental & emotional response to see the image as something positive vs. negative.

I guess in a way it smacks a tad of hypnotism? I asked what exactly is the theoretical purpose of the bilateral technique in all of this & she came back with the hypothesis being that if one can distract the sufferer visually, that the sufferer can then not only learn to focus on more than one thing when experiencing the trauma, but that they can also enable the part of the brain & emotional response that involuntarily acts in these moments of distress to behave in a more voluntary manner.

She explained that sufferers of PTSD have a tendency to automatically react the same way over & over when struck with a traumatic memory, disabling one's ability to benefit from the sitiuation most optimally.

To me it makes perfect sense.

It reminds me a of a post that Nicola had done quite some time ago in regard to PTSD & the playing of Tetris & how studies had shown that sufferer's symptoms seemed to have improved with the use of playing this game. Why, I asked then? Well my conclusion is that it goes with that whole visual distraction bit, & that your brain is retraining itself to react differently in moments of trauma & stress.

We shall see.....

Today is a rather strange Today. I feel unstable, nervous, shaky. Too much caffeine perhaps? It seems more than that though....

Snookms was a sweetheart & came home with a surprise gift last night after work; The Breakfast Club (Flashback Edition) on dvd. All this time I've been watching it via VHS, like when I cook a meal that requires lots of preparation (I have a tiny tv/vcr combo in my kitchen) so it was quite a pleasure to receive this gift from Snookms. We stayed up late together watching the commentaries for each character & this pleased me on various levels because this is typically something Snookms pretends not to care about. I seriously think he harbours a secret crush for Bender, for he is the Protector I see inhabiting Snookms every now & again?

But yes, Snookms & I giggled & snickered & I even think he was pleasantly surprised to see how hot Ally Sheedy still is. He kept asking "Who's THAT?", like he didn't already know or something? It was pretty cute!

Bender got pretty fucking ugly. Oh well.

Been receiving the most beautiful art courtesy of Jason, the artist for my Teenage Wasteland project. He pumps out about a drawing every 2 weeks. He'll first send me the pencilled version & then the inked version. I am telling you, it makes my heart go 'thumpthumpTHUMP!' The Echelar is so fucking goregeous with it's curls & furls of tentacle, & he makes Gyn SO FUCKING DARLING to look at. It is everything I had wished for this project to be visually. I wish I could share each drawing as they come, but I don't really know how wise that would be? We will see....

So 'Marley & Me' is playing as white noise right now on H.B.O. & I just heard the most amazing cover of Nirvana's 'Lithium'.

This could turn my whole day around?

Friday, October 9, 2009

Werewolf/Wizard Libraries & Other Such Fun....


It's been an interesting few days.

Right away I will have to admit, my heart was far more crushed than I had realized with this whole 'ordeal' I've been trying to surf my way out of.

2 nights ago I began to unfold all the detailed events of what took place in the last week to Snookms. The whole time my voice was wavering on that thin line of resolve & breakdown. I hadn't realized how much I had truly been hurting until I heard the catch in my own voice. I began to speak out loud about how my voice was doing that kind of a thing, and in that I broke. I began sobbing pretty uncontrollably, telling Snookms how much I cared about this woman, she had been in my life for so long. I kept remembering all the adorable pictures she would send me on my phone, her donning an venti Iced White Mocha, with that gesture of invite, whispering, "Come, let us dine together". Other pictures were beautiful too, ones I can't bring myself to look at, for it crushes the resolve I have created in this little chest of mine, to keep the hamster wheel rolling. T'uh! I even TOLD Snookms about these pictures while sobbing and how I kept thinking of them and wanting to scratch my eyeballs out because I just feel like I am never worth anyone's trouble.

The previous post is nearly 18 years worth of hurt spilled out in a matter of 6 or 7 small paragraphs. There was so much pain I just couldn't hold in anymore. It was eating away at my insides, like some sort of Tom Green testicular cancer. So I had to let it go.

It's like a true breakup, I can't even look at S.P.A.M. or glazed donuts without wanting to break into a steadfast run, hide in the bathroom, curl up on the floor next to someone's ill aimed piss & sob like a fucking toddler.

It's the little moments that get me.

On the surface, I am A-OK!!! I eat, sleep, drink & shave without a second thought to any of it. But again, catch me in a momentary lapse of reason, & you will see the cracks and small fissures.

I will be okay. More than okay. I just hope this is not something indefinate. I don't know any other way it could possibly be though, she has one fiery temper, and I, I hold grudges for fucking EVER & never say so. So what dreams may come? Who knows....

On the lighter side of things, the past 24 hours have been pretty amazing.

Yesterday I picked Mysty & Brandi up @ the metal mansion & off we headed to the northo-netho region to hear Mysty's pal Wuki drum for his new band. InaDaze??? I think that is what it was called? Well, I was pretty surprised at how well the music sounded, Mysty kept forewarning, "This is a ROCK band guys." So we were expecting less? They were 8 out of 10 on a rock band scale. Typical rock, stuff you'd hear from a band that was backing up say.....I dunno, Nickelback? Mysty says typically her pal Wuki drums for a more core sounding kind of rock & that he is one tight fucking drummer. I had no disagreements there!

But yeah, after their band played this one man band came up. At first our clan o' 3 were taken aback by this guys standoffishness. His voice was brave and bold in the way that you at first think shouldn't be, very off key and whiny. He was telling stories in his songs though, and I am always a sucker for the story. I eventually chocked him up to a "Ghetto version of John Mayer" except maybe even better. Brandi even ventured to call him "John Mayer from the Hood!" It was right! He sang of smoking people, & it was beautiful & off key in all the right ways. I never DID catch his gimmick though, I was too busy pissing every 5 minutes. Marm!!!

After he was done we headed back out to the Wessssstsiiiiide! & saw 'Whip It' @ Metropolis. It was a 10:10 pm showing, so there were only our clan o' 3 & 2 other Ellen Page fanboys/men. Cause they were old? Like not OLD old, but like, probably the kind of fellers that you'd see hosting 'Rotten Tomatoes' or 'InfoMania' on Current T.V.

The movie in a nutshell? Cute. Very cute. Juliette Lewis was top fucking notch; I don't care how flat she is. She is still fucking GOREGOUS. The lack of bosom for this woman only further adds to the allure for me. She is drill sergeant goregeous. Drew Barrymore wasn't as hardcore as I was hoping to be, nor was Ellen Page, but we DID get to chester the HELL outta the giant Ellen Page props outside the theatre. I tell you, I am bringing the SEXY back into mongoloid, because that is what 99.9 percent of my photogenics are equivalent to.

Mysty was being naughty with her camera phone & taking pictures she shouldn't have and we both died of laughter for it. I am still paying for it today with a cough from hell. Too bad she deleted the photo, it would've been outstanding in a bribe.

Today I awoke to the most pleasant of tweets, so I was one happy camper all morning long, looking forward to this Repo! madness. It was more amazing than I had contemplated so, & I usually contemplate such greatness & always pay for my high expectations. This was not one of those cases. I am kind of angry that I did not know about this rock opera sooner? A faceless Paris Hilton is kind of a dream come true?

After that was over I skimmed Werewolf's (Mysty's Other Half) library collection & was coveting the fuck out of it. Dune series, Conan series, 3rd Reich kind of shit & Stairway to Heaven kinds of things. It was a Wizard's Library, & I told him so. I wanted to remove his shelf fully & run away with it to far off lands. To be married to this shelf! For real!

Tonight is new ep. of Degrassi the Next Generation, so I must prep accordingly. Hopefully more 'Pushing Daisies' on Hulu later on, possibly some 'Glee'?

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

The Dull Flame of Desire

Definately what's in the cards for today. For yesterday. The day before. & even the day before that.

Getting your heart broken by a woman when you too are a woman, there is a tantamount of difference in this versus getting your heart broken by the opposite sex. You feel, I dunno, betrayed by your own kind? Like you are of the Fallen or some shit. And hey, I have no qualms with being Of the Fallen, okay? Let's get that straight right here and now, but the sting of that rejection, you just can't walk away from it without feeling like you've lost one of your more important playing cards.

I mean I coveted this bitch, like, for what seems like, an Eternity? I wooed her, allowed her to transcend my imaginings nightly, daily, for very many years. I secretly sweated her namesake into the fabrics of my sleeping quarters. She fucking had me by the balls for so many years.
Put plain & simply, I was her Bitch. Her real live Bitch. & I wanted to be her Bitch. I took pride in that. Boldly. Beautifully. Elegantly. I was the Right Hand to this Throne of Nonsense. But after so many years of being away from that elemental, like 15 years to be exact?

Well, I had time away to think about a lot of shit. I was safe from the bewitching of Green Eyes & the Joker's Sneer. Innocence mingled with Chaos was no longer a friend of mine. I let her go, for other things. Better things. Red Manes of Destruction with the cold hard steele of Blue Eyes & Virtue to take precedence over the things I once sought out to be grand entrance. Minotaurs that look like Iguanas when they slumber, with chocolate brown eyes & a desire not to fuck me on a first date had shown me; not just told me,


After years of washing myself completely of this s'posed Bitch Mentality, I thought I was strong enough. Brave enough to wield the power that she once had over me. I thought things could be 'different'.


Maybe one day, but today ain't that fukkin day Jests & Squires.

I feel the Dull Flame of Desire; for things no longer plausible.
There should be more pain, but there is not. I want it, knowing I can no longer possess it, that she can no longer possess me, but it is like that of a passion long burning, the flame catching it's death, it's wear and tear of shining brightly for so goddamn long.

The Blanket of this Nebula has long misguided me.

It has been replaced with the Harmony of Flesh-Fashioned Passion that walks in the Name of the Fey; & Blue Eyed Virtue that spits Fire from Her Mane.

I need not the sting of her pain to realize that...

that I am...

She says she "has done nothing but open her heart to me...All her life thats all she has shown me was her love and some how I manage to break her heart time and time again!!"

I tell you what audience.

I will be going as "The Girl Who Could Never Do Wrong" for Hallow's Eve.

Monday, October 5, 2009

Warning:This is a Boring Journal Entry!

Apparently there is an increase in our discovery of the Super Human Race Life Form:


Not news to me, but still, it is exciting to see that more and more cases are being diagnosed. It means more help, more of a desire to understand, all that good stuff. I am glad.

It's been a ridiculously exciting past two weeks. I think the 'start' of all the fun was seeing 'Jennifer's Body' 2 Thursdays ago with Mysty. I mean, I was anticipating greatness, but it was more than I had hoped for.

I have no Diablo Cody complaints here; there was girl on girl action with Evil Dead shirts involved, epic lake swimming demon scenes with 'The Sword' playing as it's environmental factor (although in my head it was 'Electric Wizard' all along) & Adam Brody playing a role he should totally stick to. I was delighted from head to toe the whole time.

The following weekend of that Thursday I can't even remember, for the amazingness of this particular weekend far outweighed the amazingness of any other. It was like a great Black Sun of Wonder, blotting out all the lightness other events, making the greatness of them pale in comparison to others.

I am so easily pleased!

It started with our usual Hour of Mayhem on Friday; man it was Windy! With a capital "W"! It was so Windy that everyone @ Starbux accused us of being crazy for setting out to smoke&drink outside. But that is what we are! Don't they know us by now? The Wind forced Mysty to conceal her flaming red mane of destruction in the cover of her black "I Spit on Your Grave" hooded sweatshirt, & mingled with that HotPinkEyeShadow, I tell you, it made for a delightful view in the conversation.

We went our separate ways; hers leading to a path of ultimately seeing Zombieland, mine towards a Chose Your Own Adventure Medley of Haunted Hayrides with Snookms & Spawn.

Everything went as I had hoped & dreamed & played out in my own imaginings throughout the previous weekend; Snookms was engulfed in that charismatic grin I fell in love with 13 years ago; the Spawn were appropriately spooked but not too much! Snookms even dared to venture with Tha Jr. to the Phantazmagoria Haunt & got chased with chainsaws. You could see the 2 of them, hand in hand, clotheslining lovers embracing just for the fun of getting away! It was pretty great?

There was a bonfire & music, but it was music I didn't care about; it always is, according to the cashier of the refreshment stand. He looked equally displeased about the choice of music as well. I mean, it's fine if there are gonna be genres, that is A-o.k. with me, but like, mix it up a bit at least? Pretty please? I don't want to hear Flo-Rida ALL night long, whether my Spawn like it or not!

The night ended well, we made our way home referring fondly to some of our more favorite parts of the night.

I came home & found more artwork in progress from Jason in regard to Teenage Wasteland awaiting me in my Inbox; played catch up on Vamp Wars, read some of 'Lucifer The Divine Comedy' (finally!) & fell asleep snuggling to the scent of Snookmses' back flesh.

I am in this school of firm believin' that Snookms' flesh has healing components embedded into it. I mean, like EVERYTIME? Every, single, freaking TIME I am sick, all I have to do is inhale deeply of his Snookms' flesh smell & I am good for like, a week? Dead serious here! My theory is that maybe this is his compensation for all his Lawful Good Troubles or something? He is a fucking Cleric, of that I have no doubt, whether he cares to acknowledge this or not! & here I am, syphoning all his powers & using it to be like maybe a Lawful Chaotic. (as if there were ever such a thing! Sheeze, I even don't know?)

The next Day of Wonder began Saturday.

Toy Story 1&2 have been re-released into the theatres, 3-D style. I took special care in making sure Snookms was made aware of this on a ridiculous level; badgering him for weeks ahead o' time about it's limited 2 week release.

But you know what? He caved!

There is reason for all this rhyme though I tell you!

Toy Story! I mean c'mon! If you see them, if you watch them, I mean WATCH them watch them, like Snookms & I had to for the first 7 years of our marriage, then you will know what I mean Vern.

(oh, & I thought this was pretty amazing.....)

There were points in life where that is all we DID was Toy Story, like ate, slept & drank it man. It wasn't of our own doing, it became a babysitter of sorts so Snookms & I could snooze a quick nap, or like, get some laundry done & get dinner on the table.

But in that we formed a likeness for the movies. It became such an inherent part of our lives that we began randomly quoting movie lines to insert into our everyday life, like as ironic humour to the situation.

& then of course Tha Jr., with his autistic need to quote movie lines, well SHIT! That didn't help either.

So there are like, a whole colony's worth of inside jokes we have stacked up against these movies. There's History embedded in these em-effers.

You can imagine the joy & delight my little chest could barely contain in having the opportune to relive some of this, & all in 3-D. & sure; there are bad times linked up with the good in this package, but hell, that is every package, you just gotta roll with the punches.

The music from Toy Story 2 PARTICULARLY reminds me of Christmas. Christmas of '01 to be exact. That movie was on endless replay VHS style in those days. It was a whole different school of knowledge back in those days.I was like, really doing some soul-searching for myself then?

So like, when I watched this movie in 3-D on Saturday evening, I was pretty fucking thankful for the glasses. They hid my tears. The tears were not so much for sadness as they were for rememberance. Days gone by & the "look at where we are now" kind of a thing. Everytime there was a movie line quoted that Snookms & I had adapted into our inside joking I'd grin shit-eating style, nudge Snookms all elbowy like, & he'd giggle like a school girl with his gregarious crocodile smile. It was great to the greatest degree!

& then Sunday. Dear sweet Sunday.

Snookms has been on this new schedule of watching football games that involve the Colts playing & I have been trying to be mindful of that considering all that he is mindful of with me, so I indentured myself as servant to make enchiladas for him to enjoy while watching the game. I rewarded myself with visions of me later laying around reading more about Lucifer & surfing intarwebz.

These enchiladas that were made though, they were no ordinary enchiladas! They were technicolour dreamcoat enchiladas I'm telling you! Rainbow Enchiladas! I couldn't decide whether to make them with green sauce or red, so I said, "Hell, why not both?" I added a shitload of extra sauce so they wouldn't be so goddamned dry like the last time I made them & it worked! My attempts to compensate usually never work, so I was pathetically pleased with this one attempt.

The rest of the day was spent like I said, reading about Lucifer Morningstar & his Will, & such.

I have no idea what this week holds; it is chaos to the maximum degree what with Chess Club Meets, therapist appts to keep, Student Leadership Team afterschool meetings to drive the she spawn to, Individual Speech Therapy @ Riley for the Jr.....

The one shining star in this medley of broken chaos is the possibility of Date Night with Mysty on Thursday to see 'Whip It'. It's no wonder all I wanna do today is lay around catching up on season 2 of True Blood & play Mega Man 2 til I beat Dr. Wily Alien Form.