Tuesday, September 27, 2011

once upon a hallow's eve...

current mood:
currently listening to: a place to belong -little dragon
currently watching: carrie (1976)

3 little girls playing in my closet, like a dream come true. they find all my things, my precious, precious articles.

out my clothes billow, in piles heaped upon my bed. i want to object, because the mess. but i let go. i let them play.

because i watch them with an ache in my heart so hidden & ancient. once upon a time i was one of them. they unearth my bloody maid costume. they each take turns trying it on. i do not object, but my heart cries, because i love them so much for their innocence. i will not rob them of that. it is far more precious than they will ever know.

they look so pretty in my things. so many of my parts want to devour them whole in their ability to be so unknowingly beautiful & sexual. it is the demon in me that has been passed down from my father, & his father's father. i am in need of a shaman, because sometimes masochism isn't always the heaviest dosage. tho neither is sadism, & so, here i am, caught in a paradigm, of watching myself through others & learning from their graceful movements.

my vast collection of boots are tried on & they too are thrown in the heaping pile. i smile at the novice click-clack that resonates from the overly confident 12 and 13 year old footsteps as they only act out what they think they see. they are simply a projection of their counterparts.

they never knew the details of what went on behind the scenes; beyond the curtain of act I, II, or III.

& the Protector in me will make for damn sure they never have to play the part.

eventually they all meander out from my room, satisfied with their final choices.

one saunters out, all silly. dusting things with my bloody feather duster. the black & white costume only adds to the endearingly macabre of cuteness. i let her giggle & be herself. who knows how long anyone will ever let her do that again?

another takes cerebral strides, donning a geisha like gown of blues, blacks, & yellows. she whispers to me she'll be a zombie geisha. my heart beams at her creativity, but also cries out for it's loss at that opportunity. i let her too have her moment of bliss.

the third is wearing a pink & black ruffled dress. one even the grown up in me hasn't had the audacity to wear. she possesses just the right amount of innocence in it to pull my heart out of the argument of letting her wear it. it suits her just fine & the smile behind those eyes is one of pure joy. i don't ever remember allowing myself that at her age. i want it for her.

why it has taken me so long to come to where i am today, i will never be sure of. but i'm certainly glad i am here, ready to stake a claim for my brethren. they are free & i am proud to have fought the war for their freedom.

yukiko-chan's dream

current mood: women writing the weird
currently listening to:
old man -neil young
currently watching:
lords of dogtown

the last dream i remember feeling (& not having) is from a week ago. i went to bed feeling really cold; i was shivering. i grabbed snookms' brother's old ivy tech hoodie & curled up in bed. i guess i was shivering so bad that it affected my dream? i was walking on this desert mountain, but it was filled with townfolk, very urban-esque looking. snookms, the kids & i were walking on the fault line of some legendary shit, & then i felt vibrations in my legs, really bad. they were so strong they hurt. then i began to feel them in my heart & in my arms, but when i looked to my surroundings there was no evidence of an earthquake. & then we all realized the earth was bleeding, & it was tearing us up from the inside, out, since we were all extensions of the earth. i looked around & then the vibrations came out in sounds that shook only the trees but nothing else. cicadas came out & had bowls attached to their proboscis, almost giving them the appearance of wearing gas masks, except they were gold. they flew overhead & poured the substance that was in their bowls over everyone in the mountain-town. they were floating letters in an undecipherable language & i knew what was happening. but i really don't! but in my dream i did! the vibrations became so intense that it woke me from the dream & i bolted awake feeling all traumatized. it was like the cicadas were stuck in my legs now & they kept making them vibrate. not going to lie here, i was freaked the heck out. but you know how it is when you wake up from a dream, you're all like, "mannnnnnn, that was so. fucked. up!" & then BLONK! you're right back to snoozing away.

i love dreams. i love hearing about other people's dreams. i even love nightmares (excepts snookms' nightmares, because he scares the shit out of everyone when he has them). i had this re-occurring dream about lo pan, from big trouble little china? from like, the time that i was in high school all the way up until my early thirties. i'd be walking around in chinatown, wearing this miniskirt & some high heels. & he'd bust out from some corner & start chasing me & i couldn't run good because of my high heels & corner me and lift my miniskirt up & sodomize me. I HATED LO PAN FOR A VERY LONG TIME GUYS.

soooooooo. there's that. i keep forgetting to talk about seeing super 8. super 8 was a great fucking movie that i hearted a whole fucking lot! it was basically iron giant meets goonies. so, so, sooooooooooo perfect. & elle fanning is super fucking cute in zombie make up! you should totally watch it if you grew up in the seventies & sometimes miss the weird lighting & the oranges & greens that accompany that decade. they really went into some detail i could seriously appreciate in order to capture that feel of the post-hippie vibe. & the alien thing at the end, iron giant guys! i'm telling you, it's great!

snookms & i also saw drive, which was a let-down on ryan gosling's part, for me. hey man, i actually LIKE hearing him talk, which he did so very little of. i have a review that i wrote in ENG111 about it. might post it on tumblr sometime since one of my follower buddies is all butthurt about not being able to see it yet. i'm like, dude. trust me, you didn't miss much. (much)

on the women writing the weird front, yesssssssss, i know i'm promo-ing the fuck out of it on facebook, but dang! i'm excited! so sorry if that is annoying. there are a lot of ladies involved in this project, & they are doing their darndest to help spread the word about it too. supposedly, there are two females that may get a panel open for promotion at fantasy con? & then wendy, who is such a doll, is doing a launch in scotland! so. rad. again, if you're interested in reading my story, it's in the first section, second to last story. it's titled, "a stray child". also, mysty's is in there as well, hers I believe, is in the second section (there are 3 total, categorized by each story's particular "weirdness") & it's titled "the scene changes". pre-orders are available at the moment & should be ready to ship in late october.

(cover art by LushLynx)

in other news, i am so overwhelmingly excited about all the new shows on tv that i've been watching! doctor who is my new favourite, which snookms & i watch together. on saturday evenings, we'll either go out on a dinner date just he & i, or with the kiddoes too, & then we come home, slip into our jammies & watch it together. i think it's so cute that he's into it. & i can always tell when he's into something when he tries to predict what's going to happen at the end of the show, & he's usually right. our fav eps so far are "the girl who waited" & the "praise him" one, "god complex" is it? i got to watch the dollhouse ep & one of the weeping angel eps (so. fucking. perfect. i.....i want angel dust in my eye!)

there is also big bang theory, & community. but i have to wait to watch community on demand, because i have math class the nights it comes on. s'kay tho! 2001: a space odyssey homages don't happen everyday. my dad & i have a super-special connection with that movie. he said when he saw it in theaters as a teenager that it changed his life; his whole perspective on everything, really. he had me watch it when i was around 10 or 11, one of those nights when i was either sick, or couldn't sleep. it was a special father-daughter sci-fi bonding moment. we have a lot of those!

i can't really think of anything else. i'm doing pretty great in all my classes so far, & that is why i'm hardly on the internet anymore. my paper for ENG111 got an A (i wrote about the jucifer concert), then an A on the public speaking exam & a B on my first speech. uhmmmm, i got a B on my math exam (woohooooo, i guess a lot of people didn't do so good on it?) & then an A on my lecture exam for biology & a B for the lab test. not too shabby for the beginning of the semester, ya?

Monday, September 12, 2011

the ring, the sword, & the unicorn

current mood: killer rabbit, run away! run away!
currently listening to:
fuck the universe -craft
currently watching:
my life flash before my eyes

all the pieces are in their proper position
the knight can strike each taint only once
while the queen does all the work
& the king only layeth in his filth
hail the ways that lead beyond the cosmos
did She ever know her hatred is the key
to my twisted & blackened heart?
death will not welcome me
because i will govern its branches
& uproot its beginnings
i am the dark creature
i come through these barriers to claim Her
forsake your light-bearing ways
& forget what you have been crafted unto
it is useless to fight against me

Saturday, September 3, 2011

i can almost hear you scream

current mood: orestes -a perfect circle
currently watching:
phantasm 2

footsteps fall on a blackened, tree covered floor
somewhere in my mind i hear your voice, summoning me
black hands, black hair, black mane, & an even blacker voice commands me back to life
i am trained to do your bidding, tho my mind can't comprehend one fucking word you say
the spirit obeys again & again, and all i care about is the task you have set before me
i want to cut out my own heart & give it back to you, since you have succeeded in designing me
to be
... just like you ...
nothing i want to do is in convergence with what i Will to do
i am nothing but evil deep inside
but the holy light keeps shining through
a blade of unity to keep me bound to you for an eternity
i have learned to obey instead of walk away
somewhere, somehow, & at some point this will have been proven to be a fruitful strategy
for the plan of Chaos is no plan at all
i strike blindly, not ever revealing to my right hand what my left hand chooses to do
but Chaos is no master strategist
it's end is no end at all, no beginning ...
only rebirth & destruction
it is all i ever Will
& all Will i am never
for you are the way, the truth, & the light

Friday, September 2, 2011


current mood: suehiro maruo gif
currently listening to:
weird tales -electric wizard
currently watching:
jennifer's body

turns out i'm chatty on muscle relaxers! i've been having to take them every night before i go to bed since last week & you know what? i LIKE talking. i sometimes miss not having reservations.

i've been having neck pains off & on for years now & ever since school started back up for me & the kiddoes, there has been added stress i guess? i thought i was handling things pretty well, honestly. but it came out in a physical distress signal instead. so here i am, feeling good, feelin' fine.

today was super fun in biology class. i really dig my teacher too. she's short, old, & full of spunk. she loves to tell stories & is not afraid to talk about nasty, crazy, shock value shit. she brings it up in a funny way tho, & somehow manages to pull it off classy. i like her a lot. she has a super short pixie hair cut too, & it compliments everything about her. the first half of her class is just lecture, & then the second half we go in the lab, which i love doing. we get to work together with our classmates in groups which i realized i actually enjoy doing. i never have before! but i am kinda clueless in that class & it makes me feel so much better to realize most everyone else there is too & that we can band together to form a knowledge Voltron of disaster. today we were learning about molecular structure & how to read periodic tables. i liked drawing them & writing out the formulas. & then we got to mess around with a bunch of solutions & measure their pH balance. the cabbage juice we got to use was a really pretty shade of purple & i wanted to put some in a vial & secretly drink it. GROSS.

there is this guy that sits across from me in lab & he is HELLA FUCKING BUFF. but he's so quiet & not like the "hey y'all come look at my bi-ceps" kind of a dude at all. & i hate to throw this term around so loosely, but he is what one might classify as the "nerdy" type, & not in the new way that everyone & they gran-maw-maw likes to claim they are these days. basically he reminds me of what napoleon dynamite would look like if he had washboard abs & straight blonde hair. that is a really hard thing to visualize, i know! but if you saw him, you would get it, i think. but yeah, anyway. i thought for sure he was on top of his game in class but when we got to get in groups today we were both talking about how lost we felt. the teacher talks so fucking fast! & then muscle-man said that he thought this was just going to be a class about the human body & i was all "i know right?" but then said it will be eventually, these are just some of the preliminaries & then he opened up his binder & busted out this old school looking muscular tissue chart of the human body & was all, "see!" like he was loud & proud about it. i dunno. i just thought it was cute. in a napoleon dynamite way.

what else... ohhhhhhh. the whole "Women Writing the Weird" anthology thing is creeping up on me. it's due to be released sometime in October, i believe. some of the females have already begun the process of promoting, Scotland (hiiiiiiiiiiiii Wendy!) being one of the places that at least one writer is from, & then a possible panel at the world fantasy con? mysty & i were talking the idea of our stories being shared across the world, in places we've only dreamed of being, & that we thought that was really neat shit to get all head-swellered about. i still can't believe we're being published in an antho together.
*le twirl*

snookms, the kiddoes & i went to see "don't be afraid of the dark" last saturday. it was very disappointing. it had so much potential to be a great movie & a great story that i thought for sure there was no way guillermo del toro could fuck up, but sure enough, (whether it's his fault or not) it sucked. the opening scene had me hoping for a theme that did not continue throughout the duration of the movie & by the time it was all over i was glad to be done with it. it was about evil faeries for christ's sake! HOW COULD YOU FUCK THAT UP?

i am all about seeing the remake of "the thing". & i really want to watch the new "fright night" too. & then "paranormal activity 3" is on the must see list. oh yeah, has anyone heard anything about the "lady in black" flick yet? i never thought daniel radcliffe was uber cute or anything but he looks totally suitable to me in this. i'd say it's like "lemony snickett" meets "the shining"? one can only hope! coming out in february, so we'll see...

i also forgot to say that my new math teacher for this semester looks like superman with grey/gray hair. he dresses like clark, acts like kent, but reminds me of jor el more than anything i guess. he's not sexy to me, but it's cool that he's all fit & still takes care of himself. he's not a very blunt fellow, likes to beat around the bush with everything. i don't take that as a bad thing neccessarily, i've just noticed about myself over the years that i have come to appreciate blunt honesty. i guess maybe because of having to live with & adapt to snookms for the last 15 years? & this teacher is not blunt. but it's okay, i can adapt to the different behavioral patterns of society.

lastly, i think i might be headed in the pastoral counseling direction for my career. at my last appointment with my therapist i asked a bunch of questions about what she does, because i want to do what she is doing, but i just don't want to limit my availability to only those of a religious faith. & mother katherine made it clear that that is not a requirement. & so the more questions i asked her about it, the more intrigued & excited i became about pursuing it. & i really like how she emphasized the point to me of a non-evangelical approach in how their system approaches clients, which is a very important thing for me. the last thing i want to do is the whole "turn or burn" dance. she even told me they stress that in the classes & instructors go out of their way to be informative in cultural upbringings as well as environmental factors. so who knows? i may be a pastoral counselor in my future, & i'm excited about the thought of it. set me up with the finest red robes y'all!

good night <3