currently listening to: a place to belong -little dragon
currently watching: carrie (1976)
3 little girls playing in my closet, like a dream come true. they find all my things, my precious, precious articles.
out my clothes billow, in piles heaped upon my bed. i want to object, because the mess. but i let go. i let them play.
because i watch them with an ache in my heart so hidden & ancient. once upon a time i was one of them. they unearth my bloody maid costume. they each take turns trying it on. i do not object, but my heart cries, because i love them so much for their innocence. i will not rob them of that. it is far more precious than they will ever know.
they look so pretty in my things. so many of my parts want to devour them whole in their ability to be so unknowingly beautiful & sexual. it is the demon in me that has been passed down from my father, & his father's father. i am in need of a shaman, because sometimes masochism isn't always the heaviest dosage. tho neither is sadism, & so, here i am, caught in a paradigm, of watching myself through others & learning from their graceful movements.
my vast collection of boots are tried on & they too are thrown in the heaping pile. i smile at the novice click-clack that resonates from the overly confident 12 and 13 year old footsteps as they only act out what they think they see. they are simply a projection of their counterparts.
they never knew the details of what went on behind the scenes; beyond the curtain of act I, II, or III.
& the Protector in me will make for damn sure they never have to play the part.
eventually they all meander out from my room, satisfied with their final choices.
one saunters out, all silly. dusting things with my bloody feather duster. the black & white costume only adds to the endearingly macabre of cuteness. i let her giggle & be herself. who knows how long anyone will ever let her do that again?
another takes cerebral strides, donning a geisha like gown of blues, blacks, & yellows. she whispers to me she'll be a zombie geisha. my heart beams at her creativity, but also cries out for it's loss at that opportunity. i let her too have her moment of bliss.
the third is wearing a pink & black ruffled dress. one even the grown up in me hasn't had the audacity to wear. she possesses just the right amount of innocence in it to pull my heart out of the argument of letting her wear it. it suits her just fine & the smile behind those eyes is one of pure joy. i don't ever remember allowing myself that at her age. i want it for her.
why it has taken me so long to come to where i am today, i will never be sure of. but i'm certainly glad i am here, ready to stake a claim for my brethren. they are free & i am proud to have fought the war for their freedom.