gauging the backlash

current mood:

currently listening to: arboretum -unwound

currently watching:

i am burning to the ground

i cannot see

anything around me

because the core is blind

& she is the only one left

bff's for life

current mood: serve the servants

currently listening to: pennyroyal tea -nirvana

currently watching: howl's moving castle

(me, ~eriN)

backsliding

current mood: because fuck you, that's why

currently listening to: black houses -portal

currently watching: elfin lied

(gpoy)

dancing with myself

current mood: when that 3:33 beat drops i almost die of heartache every time

currently listening to: kiss distinctly american -q & not u

currently watching: poltergeist 2

i've been fantasizing about sleep all day long but i don't want to go to sleep now that i actually can. going off of 3 to 4 hours of sleep a night has taken it's toll on me this week. i can't wait to climb back under our nightmare before christmas comforter with snookms tomorrow morning once i drop the kids off at school. often times just envisioning that as a standalone feature is better than porn. snuggling with sleepy snookms is my favourite.

i took my first computer test tonight. i got an 88 on the written portion, but i probably won't know until next week what i got on my hands on test. i know i messed up at least once, because i can't figure out how to not break up a line of text that wants to break to a new line. is it something to do with ctrl, shift, & space, or what? it was driving me nuts not being able to figure it out.

i'm still waiting on the results for my 1st psychology test, & i'll be taking my first test for sociology next monday. i'm kinda looking forward to exercising my testing ability in that class. i feel like i have learned so much useful information in such a short time just because of the reading. when class is over i wish it wasn't because i want to learn more & hear more. the professor for that class was a defense attorney for kids who were getting pinned with the death penalty. she has so many stories that i am fully immersed in hearing.

oh yeah. i guess i can talk about my new diet. i went to a long overdue physical last week & was told i had hypoglycemia. i had sort of figured that since my brother got diagnosed with it when he was locked up in prison the year before... we had shared the same symptoms. but hearing it out loud from the doctor was the kick in the pants i needed to shift my dieting gears. first i started out just completely staying away from anything sugary in the morning, which worked fine, & then when i came back for a recheck, the doctor said i had lost some weight so the diet must be doing me some good is what she said. it motivated me to want to continue improving so i got online & found all kinds of substitutes for meat & dairy & sugar. don't get me wrong, i am by no means a vegan, nor a vegetarian. but i am tryna go whole foods so i can get all this ridiculous fat build up out of my body. i still eat meat, but i try to do it sparingly. dairy has been pretty easy to resist because fuckyeahALMONDMILK. & i found a non-dairy ice cream today that is pretty rad too. i've been stocking up on beans, cooking them for a day & then freezing single portions to warm up in the microwave for the sake of convenience. it's been working out pretty well so far.

at first i started hating eating, because i was training my brain to eat for sustenance instead of enjoyment. everything tasted so gross compared to what i was used to eating. but now that i've gotten more used to it i have come to enjoy it.

i guess i am going to start reading some more before i fall asleep sitting up. it feels so good to not have any pressing obligations right now. & all at 12:24 a.m.

a chink in the armor

current mood: social distortion

currently listening to: mouthful of poison -kittie

currently reading: mockingjay -susan collins

i am finally feeling social enough to want to talk about current events my life, how about that!

i don't know what's been up with that lately but i just haven't wanted to socialize much these past few weeks. not even been tumblr'n the usual amount. mostly i've been immersing myself in reading, it's been providing the kind of temporary escape i guess my mind, body, & soul has been craving. i just finished reading "catching fire" last night, & i've been thoroughly enjoying reading my sociology, interpersonal communication, & psychology textbooks from class. i think so far i enjoy sociology the most as far as the reading & class instruction goes, but my interpersonal communication teacher is still my favourite teacher. she seems to have less of an "aggressive" teaching approach this semester when compared to last semester when she was teaching public speaking. i kind of miss that about her, but i am also enjoying this aspect of her as well. ironically, psychology is my least favourite class, but that's not to say that i don't enjoy it. the teacher is kind of freaking me out a little though. she seems to get upset at us when the class doesn't get the hang of a new routine right away, but at the same time she appears to be really forgiving to herself when she "fucks up". i'm not hateful or anything really, just at a point of closely observing & trying to analyze. i also really enjoy my microcomputer class too, i just hate that it's at night & that i have to be away from the kids. it tends to add a layer of unintentional stress that i carry around for the night so that when i think of that class i automatically associate it with being a little overwhelmed. the teacher is really cute though! & super organized & professional. i think i might actually be older than him, but not by too many years.

snookms & i got our tax check so i've been enjoying some shopping. was able to buy a really cute skeleton print dress at hot topic, along with a "clueless" tshirt, a my little pony one, & a v-neck black tee with guns all over it. was also able to get a new jacket (a checkered peacoat) for 20 bucks & also this oversized bloody samurai girl tshirt that my brother really liked. i think i might grab one for him if i get a chance to go back to metropolis soon, it was on clearance for $4.99 .

we also went to see that "extremely loud & incredibly close" movie that tom hanks is in over the weekend. it was a really great movie & i'm really surprised i didn't cry harder than i did. i could hear all kinds of sniffles in the theater. snookms' dad is in the hospital right now so it hit him emotionally, which i felt kind of bad about. he wasn't crying or anything, but he admitted to me later that night that he was having trouble keeping his emotions in check during some of the more dramatic scenes. i would have been a hot fucking mess had i been in snookms' current position & was watching that movie, that much is for sure.

i've been tuning in on sundays while i study, to sonicritualradio.com, it's a new radio station that mysty's friend dustin & his buddy threw together at the last minute as a result of another radio station dj opportunity that had fallen out. i met dustin through mysty, & at one point dustin was the vocalist for mysty's husband's old band 'tunguska'. dustin basically reminds me of ryan gosling if he was into burning witch, electric wizard, & sunn o))). he's pretty dang charming if i don't say so mahself. but yeah, he is one of the few people that endures/indulges in my nonstop prattle in regard to nes games. he has been making a lot of references when he does his 'secular sunday' bit that i tune into on sunday, & i get a big kick out of it. i also love the fact that he cranks out metroid & megaman jams one minute & portal the next. it is basically the radio station of my wet dreams. he & his buddy aaron crank out all kinds of amazingly heavy stuff 24-7, & then on sundays from 12-3 they do a little talk show of sorts which i find highly entertaining to listen to.

oh! & speaking of dreams; i took a nap earlier this afternoon after i picked up my spawn from school & mordicai was in it. must be that time of year again i guess? i have a dream about him once a year, why should this one be any different? so okay, earlier today, (irl) i got a message from dustin on facebook asking if i had any cool stories to share regarding nes peripherals/controllers (like the powerglove & the track & field mat) that he could talk about on his next radio session. well i guess i was thinking about that when i fell asleep cuz i dreamt that mordicai was just chillin on my brown velvet couch sitting right across from me & i was telling him about the message dustin sent me & i was all, "by the way, what exactly is a 'peripheral'?" & he got all "imma drop some knowledge on your ass" typed scholarly & said, "look up maurandusky.com. it will change your life." so i got on my laptop & typed it into my search engine & this 80's looking website comes up with a weird sunrise in the backround & it is this homage page to the powerglove. i started cracking up & mordicai got mad at me. & then bam, i woke up. just like that.

sausalito, california

current mood: remnants

currently listening to: crazy for you -slowdive

currently smelling: malibu musk

mom & dad had just made up after a long & laborious argument.

we went for a long drive, like we always ritualistically did after their makeup sex.

i know this, because this tradition has been passed down to me. snookms & i do it too. it's a release.

we drive. my brothers & i packed up in a red ford minivan with my mom & dad.

them, rejuvenated & full of fresh dreams for the future. my brothers & i? ... not so much. grown cold to the novice ideal of their reawakened hopes & dreams, we knew better. or at least thought we did.

there was a town, which caught my attention as we drove. it was exceptionally sunny. it held the essence of what i had imagined in my childhood while living in seattle. the charm i had sought out these many years, after having been whisked away on a ferry ride one foggy afternoon so many years passed. i was only 5 or 6. but i remember it like the traces of skin folding beneath the palms of my hand.

this town held that charm. it reawakened something i had forgotten about. hope existed again for that one afternoon & brought me beyond the rough adolescent years i had fought tooth & nail through until i could stand on my own without vodka sea legs or chronic laced stilts.

we drove on, through the town, the sea enveloping this quaint little village as if it were a long lost lover. i had to shield my eyes, (& my heart) from the sun's rays that reflected the ocean waves. piers & docks attached themselves to every abode. endless strips of markets & cafes & diners called out to me, begging to be explored.

apparently i wasn't the only one that day, because unceremoniously, my mom & dad decided to find parking. we were getting out. a walk maybe? we are led down a strip, on a crowded sidewalk. i hear the sound of hollowed footsteps as we walk clumsily down the wooden planked path to our questionable destination. i smell the sea, taste the salt of her in the air.

so many unfamiliar faces look at our non-traditional group of thugs. we don't fit in. we don't belong. but i do not care. black railing separates the "them" from the "us" as we pass by the onlookers of outdoor eateries. i look forward to the sea, where i belong.

but we take a sharp left, another uncustomary move. inconspicuous stone stairs lead us up to a balcony, well lit, with an absolutely breathtaking view of Her.

the railing is no longer black. & their is no longer an "us" or a "them". the sound of humanity raises in volume as i discover we are only one of the many other lucky contenders that have discovered this little niche.

& we are now on the same side. we all wish for the same thing.

my mom & dad are holding hands, whispering in each other's ears & smiling to each other in that secretive way that only lovers do. they see my brothers & i in the same way that i now see my own children, enjoying life & the simplicity of the many wondrous things in it.

they tell us they will be back, they are going to order some food & for us to find somewhere "nice" to sit. i look behind us & sure enough there is plenty of outdoor seating.

i choose, because i never choose. i usually always settle for whatever everyone else wants. because it makes me happy to see others happy. but never because i am complacent. i didn't learn complacency in that way until i was much, much older.

outdoor smoking is allowed, which i thankfully rejoice over since my parents let me smoke. i grab the astray set up for the table i chose & to my delight i find a roach the previous customers must have left behind. it was enough to get the four of us high, had i let my younger brothers smoke back then. but instead, i give my oldest brother a knowing nudge & pocket the treasure for later use before my parents could come back with our food.

(snookms, me)

current mood: heartbeats -the knife

currently listening to:

currently watching:

so far this year, i have:

1. shot a 12 gauge
2. fallen in love with all my new classes this semester (sociology, interpersonal communication, microcomputers, & psychology)
3. managed to NOT beat the living hell out of somebody that has managed to make my worst nightmare come true
4. get into a friendly debate on facebook (which i typically avoid like the plague)
5. fall in love with snookms all over again like it was the first time (& then readily hate his guts 2 seconds later)
6. begun reading "catching fire"
7. watch "it's complicated" 5 times
8. watched every episode of "elfin lied"
9. start playing guitar again & do nirvana/alice in chains karaoke with shespawn
10. run out of gas in the middle of a snowstorm at 8 am, walk home, get gas cans, fill said gas cans, get offered a free biblical end times dvd whilst in the midst of filling these cans, calmly tell solicitor no, drive back to the car, fill it up, drive back home, walk back to the car, & take it home, all without losing my shit. IN THE MIDDLE OF A SNOWSTORM AT 8AM

my conclusion is that i am getting old. but i like it.

also, i forgot how old i was the other day.

i have a dick on my face, don't i?

current mood: this is planet "look-at-me, LOOK-AT-ME"

currently listening to: sexy boy -air

currently watching: 10 things i hate about you

LOOKIT WHAT MAH NETBOOK CAN DO LOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL

this is what i have been reduced to.

something so, so, so fucked up happened in these past few weeks. & i can't even talk about it. i want to die inside & the sadist inside me keeps laughing. i'm so glad i don't have the desire to murder myself anymore. otherwise i'd be dead right now.

FUCK

(me, snookms)

current mood: i don't want him to go back to work

currently listening to: i don't want him to go back to work

currently watching: i don't want him to go back to work

christmas loot!

current mood: i'm in love & i don't care who knows it

currently listening to: amy says -flyleaf

currently watching: elf

• a netbook/notebook?
• nightmare before christmas chain wallet
• nightmare before christmas house slippers
• nightmare before christmas snow cap
• running sneakers
• hello kitty knee high socks
• black bjorndal uggs
• black snow boots
• towels galore
• holiday gumdrop & cranberry scented candles
• free dinner to 'on the border' with snookms & kids
• free dinner to o'charleys for snookms & i
• pear glace bath & body set from victoria's secret
• pure seduction bath & body set from victoria's secret
• socks galore
• an oldschool popcorn popping machine
• a canvas picture with me & snookms favourite bible verse ("& the greatest of these is love")
• fancy photo frame that says the word 'love' in the middle
• huge fuzzy nativity scene blanket
• trip to rave metropolis to watch "sherlock holmes 2: a game of shadows" (which was beyond lovely)

knights of the round table

current mood: quadra magic

currently listening to: still born -burning witch

currently watching: the gate

fuck the universe -craft

magic spells -crystal castles

history of hell (crippled lucifer) -burning witch

ghost song -the doors

it took the night to believe -sunn 0)))

pap smear -crystal castles

in that corner -khanate

eutow -autuchre

whorecrown -marduk

baptism -crystal castles

werewolf -gehenna

darling nikki -prince & the revolution

tower place -burning witch

intimate -crystal castles

a witch is born -gehenna

i am a disaster

current mood:

currently listening to: eutow -autechre

currently reading: blood willows -caroline m. yoachim

all my friends are embryonic

current mood:

currently listening to: gutless -hole

currently watching: degrassi: nowhere to run

friday nights are my favourite. i'm sitting here watching the newest season of degrassi & eating some magnolia brand mango ice cream from lee's, the asian grocery store that my mom & i typically haunt to gather ingredients for our holiday filipino food-fest. i love going to that store with my mom because she knows all the oldskool brands & has a story for all kindsa different food items from her past, which make our trip that much more precious. i seriously treasure our trips there together. she's like a little girl again & i love how knowledgeable she is of everything there. a wizard at it, really!

human biology was fucking rough today. i struggled with the lab assignment; the packet we had to work was chock full of dna & rna translations & decoding. i wanted to fucking cry at first because i couldn't get it at first, but then the professor pointed out that i had to use mRNA codons to determine amino acid sequence & i was sort of okay after that. i just couldn't wait to get out of there today & see my mom & kids.

finalllllllllllllllllllly got to watch splice late wednesday night, it's been in rotation on the hbo channel & we have that channel so i obliged most willingly. i really liked it a lot, kind of figured i would after my dad told me about it, but it took forever for me to make the time & develop the willingness to sit down & just watch it already. the only thing i kind of hated was the way the boy version looked. everything else was pretty much perfect & i just wanted to hug dren when she was crying about her cat. :(((((((((

the following night i stayed up super late, glued to my monitor because i was hooked on reading the two chapters my public speaking professor sent me of her ms. it really reminds me of that new show 'homeland' on showtime (which is my new favourite) because it's about her experience in the middle east but it has ties with her life here in the states, traversing between the two realms very elegantly. it's really intriguing to read her life story & i feel so flattered she was willing to share it with me & the next morning i was able to talk her into sending me the rest of it. i'm looking forward to reading it this weekend! i'm hoping i can point her in the direction a few agents that will be appreciative of her manuscript. i can really see it happening as a publication.

& then thursday evening my daughter was a representative in the spelling bee competition for her school. their team scored last, but she was the top scorer of her team, which i was really proud of. there was some seriously hard words to spell. i used to be a wizard at spelling back in my day, i got like, 3rd place as a fourth grader or something. but i don't ever remember having to spell some of the crazy words that were on her list! scrimshaw? octahedron? YANGTZE RIVER??? sheesh.

in love with a ghost

current mood:

currently listening to: love is a stranger -eurythmics

currently reading: the hunger games

TEAM VIOLET & TATE FOREVaH

american horror story does have a pretty sucky element to it, which i can't quite put my thumb on? but there is this chemistry between tate & violet that i totally obsess over. it's like a kitiara/lord soth kind of trope we're dealing with here i guess? that undying devotion, that is so sad & sick, there is a deep down part of myself that resonates. & how he wrote "i love you" in chalk on her wall? it was so romantic it made me want to puke.

also, i like seeing dylan mcdermott cry because it's sexy.

anyhowwwwww. TODAY YOU GUYS. today i had to present my second informative speech in the public speaking class i'm taking this semester & i scored the whole 150 points it was worth total! i was really blown away by that number because i just started working on it the night before & thought for sure it was gonna suck, suck, SUCK. but apparently it didn't according to my teacher. which, i in fact adore. she used to live in iraq, saudi arabia, germany, & louisiana. before she was a professor, she would give presentations to military troops in saudi arabia & all these other countries, on ethics, medical needs, & all kindsa other cool shit. i got to tell her a few weeks ago that she was a college student's wet dream because she's super efficient teacher-wise & she was so flattered. she was all, "leave it to the girl who writes erotica to say that. i can't wait to tell my kids somebody thinks i'm a wet dream!" i blushed with pleasure of course. i dunno what it is with me falling all over these teachers this semester. shalafi! TEACH MEH

let's seeeeeee, rewind to the day before that, wednesday i think? snookms had a day/night off from work because of election day & we got the spawn out of school early & went driving out the the strip on west washington out past plainfield to go antique store browsing. we managed to find this huge fucking antique mall that was still open for another hour, so we got lost in the past & had so much fun. we got turned back on to going to antique stores after our visit downtown in irvington after me & mysty's lovely book launch last week. i love that my kids actually LIKE going there & don't hate it. & it's free! if, of course, you don't want to buy stuff.

now, let's go back to monday, the beginning of this week, when i finally go visit mysty's new haus. it's her & werewolf's first haus, & it's so lovely. i mean, i know it's just a house? but it seriously has a charm to it that i fell in love with right away. mostly it's mysty's stamp on it i s'pose, but i really love the vaulted ceilings, as well as the colours that her & werewolf painted their rooms. also it didn't help that i had a dream about that haus a few months before. when i walked in & saw the gypsy teal coloured walls with a fresh coat of paint & the slant of the vaulted ceiling & about fell to my knees because it was pretty much the exact replica of what i had dreamt months ago, except it was snookms & i living there, & it was in our neighborhood. so freaky, but i've come to expect experiences like this anymore. i'm a starting to become a firm believer that my family comes from a long line of non-nurtured psychics.

the proboscis/prognosis ...

current mood:

currently listening to: patience -guns & roses

currently watching: the exorcism of emily rose

taking a quick snack break before i dive back into reading 'the hunger games'...

this book, man! this fucking book! i'll place the blame on my daughter, as she's the culprit for making me care about it in the first place. her school has a new librarian, & she's all about getting the kids into literature by making them care about what they read. i mean, i know it's important to engage a child whether they care about a particular subject or not, but at this tender age it's so hard to make them care about much of anything that doesn't directly relate to them. so yeah, the new librarian put this, amongst a handful of other "controversial titles" on the shelves to replace many of the ones the previous librarian had targeted for shespawn's age group. this peaked carmen's interest, (which i'm happy to say doesn't take too much in the way of reading these days) but yeah, i guess the new librarian's strategy has "success" written all over it, as there is now a huge wait for most of the titles she recently put out there for her YA public. shespawn felt she couldn't bare to wait any longer, so i indulged in her pleading to buy her a copy from the store. i couldn't deny a kid that's begging to read! she's had it for a week & is on page 100, i just started a few days ago, & i'm on page 55. i'm at the part where katniss is tasting hot chocolate for the first time.

i guess i can blame another part of why i started reading it on shespawn's reports of the movie that is in the making. she was complaining about who was being cast for the role of 'gale', saying that he was miley cyrus's ex (whom i secretly adore) from 'the last song' movie they were both in. i got especially curious when she mentioned that josh hutcherson ("jess" from the 2007 version of 'bridge to terabithia' movie) was playing as peeta, & then resolved firmly to read it when she said that ol' what's her face from the movie 'orphan' was playing as the knife throwing girl. (i so adore isabelle fuhrman & can't wait to see her play some more roles!)

it took me awhile to get sucked in; carmen has been sick with a mild virus all week that led to some wheezing in the chest which had me concerned enough to take her to the doctor over. once the doctor was able to alleviate my worries, i felt nothing holding me back from tearing into the book today. it's been my 'go-to-guy' for the better part of today, aside from making foodies, giving flirty winks, kissses, & nods to snookms, & whining over the cramps from my period. i'll be digging right back in once i'm done here, as a matter o' fact.

wanted to make a quick mention of the "WWW" book launch. it was a real success, everyone showed that said they were going to show, & a few unexpected faces as well! it was smack dab in the middle of the halloween festival that was being held downtown in Irvington, so streets were blocked off due to the costume parade that was going to be coming through later on. the lazy daze coffee shop was super fucking packed, but sure enough our little area was available to set up me & mysty's cozy little repartee for the afternoon. so many people supporting our cause, it felt really invigorating. & snookms was such a complete sweetheart, he even came up to mysty once we were done signing books & asked to purchase a copy of our book with his $20 in hand. i had to clutch at my heart strings, & i saw mysty's face just kind of melt too. it was really a great experience. i was so happy see katie there, & my mom & dad too. i was super shocked to see mysty's husband's parents show up, & delighted to formally be introduced to mysty's mom.

(mysty & i signing copies of our book at lazy daze coffee house, photo taken by miss katie!)

my ex showed up & snookms totally handled it like a champ. they even talked about pizza for a bit & snookms referred to him as "prince charming" for the remainder of the evening, which totally had me giggling for mr.-quinn fox-whom-i-have-promised-to-stop-calling-denny. it's harder than you think, remembering to refer to someone who has not only been a great ex, but a family friend for nearly the past 20 years.

welllllll, not much else to report. going to resume reading about katniss slurping hot chocolate. & even if there are no fight-to-the-death-matches soon, i'm still totally enjoying hearing katniss configure to what ends she would have to go to make meals that the Capitol produces with the ease of pressing a fucking button.