a few well-earned comforts

current mood:

currently listening to: my friend of misery -metallica

currently watching: bridesmaids

hooray for being on summer break!

i've been enjoying my extra time lately by catching up on cleaning, gardening, recreational reading, & going on hour long nature walks.

the good news is, I MADE IT THROUGH MY FIRST SEMESTER OF UNIVERSITY. i kinda surprised myself in realizing that i did actually make it through the semester. i mean, i didn't even realize that i had been doubting my ability to survive as much as i was, but when the wave of relief hit me the way it did when i saw my final grades? oh man, you don't even know! i almost starting crying because i felt so triumphant. people do this kind of thing everyday, so i don't know why i kept making it such a big deal. i kept it to myself how hard it was for me to adjust (for the most part).

socially, i realized that i am still very much a leper. but i do love how i bring out the undercover goth girl every semester in at least one of my classes. i imagine they feel drawn to me because of my appearance, but as i mentioned before, i really don't "classify" myself in that particular category or whatever. but they do, & as a result see me as somewhat of a social haven to confide in while getting through the semester. the friendships aren't super meaningful, but it touches me how they are willing to keep in touch as young as they are. & they also totally get me having a "family-comes-first-life". super important relational issues to be addressed here y'all.

so yeah, i got all a's in comm, philosophy, & history, & a b in algebra. i was sweating that algebra grade too, let me tell you. but i got an 83 on my final exam, & it replaced my lowest exam grade (which was a low c) so it all balanced out nicely in the end i s'pose.

let's see, movies i've seen recently or saw sometime ago & forgot to mention: ethel (an hbo documentary about robert kennedy, his wife, & children which i loved, loved, loved), go granny d (fuckyeah) iron man 3 (fuckyeah), oblivion (meh), hope springs (so-so), silver linings playbook (adding to my top 1 billion), perks of being a wallflower (same), zero dark thirty (left the theatre afterward feeling quite perplexed emotionally), & the new evil dead (disappoint). i'm totally sure i left some out, but those are the ones i currently remember most.

books i have on my tbr summer list: a song of ice & fire: book one, the second sex (simone de beauvoir), the feminine mystique (betty friedan), & the purity of heart is to will one thing (soren kierkegaard). all except the game of thrones book are due to my philosophy class & me wanting to dig a bit further. especially regarding existentialism! so fucking compelling.

the shows i've been keeping up with: nurse jackie (enjoying getting back into it far more than i thought!) the big c (blah, honestly), game of thrones (sigh, but i think i enjoyed seasons 1 & 2 more thus far), & that's really about it.

an exciting new place to hang out is the serenity tea room in zionsville. i was introduced to the place through ann, my communications professor & mentor. she hosted a paranormal lecture & investigation there one evening which my husband, spawn & i were invited to & i've been in love with the place ever since. mysty & i got to go there together & we were both in our full "goth-popcorn" gear & no one batted an eye at us. the two teas i am most in love with are serenity, which is the house tea, & then tranquility, which hails from their sister headquarters downtown. i have to put on the frowny face unfortunately when i mention the downtown franchise because i did not enjoy going there. snookms & i took a last minute adventure there on my last day of spring break & i was underwhelmed with the service, the tea, & just the whole environment altogether. it felt like a pretty privileged establishment, which is the opposite of what i felt at serenity in zionsville, & even tho the propylaeum is in a most gorgeous victorian mansion, i was not fucking havin it. not even a little bit.

well the spawn are hanging about like desperate alley cats, waiting for me to take them to the grocery store to buy junk food & come home & watch scary movies all night, so i guess i will check ya later.

the philosophy of time travel ...

current mood: (for dr. long)
currently listening to: 1969 -boards of canada
currently reading: homage to catalonia -george orwell

1. killing moon -echo & the bunnymen
2. hennin hardine -jucifer
3. maps -yeah yeah yeahs
4. orion -metallica
5. something in the way -thou 
6. stinkfist -tool
7. hidden place -bjork
8. hang me up to dry -cold war kids
9. 3 libras -a perfect circle
10. mad world -tears for fears
11. all we ever wanted was everything -bauhaus
12. nautilus -depreciation guild
13. fade to black -metallica
14. 2:45 a.m. -elliot smith
15. ziggy stardust -bauhaus
16. 1969 -boards of canada

i dreamt that i found my hat

current mood:
currently listening to: oblivion -grimes
currently watching: signs



just a quick rundown before i go to bed of my first week at the university ...

the first day was a fucking disaster-nightmare. i didn't have my books yet, i didn't have a parking pass yet, i had algebra, and the desks for that classroom remind me of something that snookms would beg me to sexually torture him in. they were so tiny i couldn't even fit my binder on them! the teacher is nice, but when he speaks i cannot comprehend because it is a completely foreign language that i have yet to decipher.

ironically, the next day was probably one of the best days of my life. i got my parking squared away, and because i made so many fuck ups about getting lost the day before on campus i was like a pro getting around this time. i had philosophy and looooooove the teacher, and my old friend rachel from ivy tech is in that class, so i was able to pal around with her instead of being by my lonesome self. i was further relieved by the fact that the professor said that the required reading for the class was not nearly as expensive as what was initially projected. alsoooooo, he was one of the contributing writers for the philosophy of star wars book that came out when episode III hit the theaters sometime ago. i guess he wrote on religious philosophical standpoint of luke skywalker? i'm curious to read it.

later that same evening i went to my communication class, and i was really nervous about parking because i thought i was going to have to park miles away from the usual parking lot since it is in the nurses building, but when i got there almost the whole parking lot over by the nurses building was nearly empty. the classrooms were much better this time, and there were tables instead of desks, so i had plenty of room to put my binder on the table. the teacher is amazing, and he spent most of the class on his facebook, showing off all the famous people he knew that were in his class. i even stalked his page when i got home & he is in a band that does rage against the machine covers, red hot chili pepper covers, and other such surprises which surprised me, because of his level of professionalism in the classroom. but at the same time, it didn't surprise me, because he just sort of has that melodic type of voice that most vocalists have. the name of his band is 'sugar moon rabbit'. it's not the greatest band, but at the same time, i thought it was kind of great because he took me by surprise with the rage against the machine cover.

the next day was my algebra class again, but this time i was prepared for just about the worst, and because of that it wasn't so bad. i wound up having to walk half an hour from the parking lot just to get to the campus, but i enjoyed the walk, and i was still pretty miserable about the shitty desk situation, but at least this time i knew what i was in for. i still felt lost about algebra about 10 minutes into the class, but i reminded myself that this was the pattern i dealt with regarding my last 2 math classes as well. i hate that my math classes don't transfer over from ivy tech, but at least it will give me an opportunity to play around and experiment with the theory i've been developing regarding why some people have a knack for numbers/math and others do better with letters/language.

today was pretty lovely for a whole bunch of reasons, but mostly i was just happy that my philosophy teacher acknowledged my joy division shirt that snookms & the spawn bought me for christmas. he said that the image on that particular album cover is so iconic that it automatically invokes a special sort of emotion in those that know what it is. the whole class was just him going over the "get to know your class better" survey he passed around from the day before. he took time for each student to address us personally and ask about the interesting things we had to list about ourselves. one of the ones i mentioned was playing old nes games, and he said that he just played some of his old games not too long ago. it. was. coo.l.

later in the evening i had my history class, and i found parking no problem again. there is still a bit of a walk to the campus, but i enjoy it very much. even if it is freezing ass cold. when i got to the classroom it was those same ridiculous desks again, but i was just like whatevssss this time and dealt with it. the teacher is a pretty basic dude, but he is an older gentleman, and hella handsome. he mostly likes to talk & get the facts out with hardly any feedback from the students, but that is okay in my book because i do like to listen.

i have another math class tomorrow, and that'll be the end of my school week until the next episode. so far the good far outweighs the bad, i just think i might get some extra help with algebra from a tutor or something. OR SOMETHING

& so, now here i am, at home, late as heck, everybody in bed, & i'm watching signs and wanting to cry like i do every time that one scene comes up where mel gibson is telling god how much he fucking hates him. GOD DANG DO I KNOW THAT FEEL

dear aunt beast, ...

current mood:
currently listening to:
currently watching:



ugh. shespawn woke up really sick, so i've been playing aunt beast since the middle of the night last night. i'm ready to crash for the night but i still wanted to work at making some sort of attempt at daily documentation before i hit the sack.

after carmen fell back asleep for the morning (in my bed, of course!) i snuck out & to the grocery store & bought tlc foods, like chicken noodle soup, 7-up, crackers. all that fun stuff. when i got home she was still fast asleep so i got to finish watching 'return of the king' on hbo. i got mega teary eyed like i always do when aragorn & his elf lady get hitched, & then when everyone started kneeling to the hobbits. by then i was bored & decided to make coffee for me & snookms & started cleaning & doing my daily devotional thingy. it was a boring one for the day & didn't really lift the dreary feeling i was carrying around because of the youngest being sick. but i soldiered on.

carmen woke up a few hours later feeling brand new, which cheered me up. plus snookms was being really sweet in that extra huggie way that makes all the difference when i'm feeling sad about my kids being sick. sad & overwhelmed, really.

we decided to brave the cold & slip out to exchange a blouse i had bought at jcpenney's in metropolis with the gift card money my mom & dad gifted me with for xmas. david also had one, so he wanted to check some stuff out too there. carmen started feeling like shit again so her & i sat in the shoe area until snookms & the boys were done looking at stuff, which didn't take long at all, & by then shespawn was feeling better. i spied a pair of white combat boots with pink flower print while we were waiting, & i want them with all my heart now.

david asked to go to his friend's house for the night so we dropped him off there, stopped & picked up one of mike jr.'s buds on the way, & came home. snookms took it upon himself to make a 3 hour corned beef brisket for dinner which was fine with me because i totally hate the idea of cooking on friday nights. i got really bored & decided to play a bunch of our nes games on the new retro console that we got mike jr. for xmas. first i played ghosts n goblins & only got to third part of the second level, right before you confront the second unicorn monster guarding the gate to the underworld. then i turned it off & played super mario 2, which i realized i hadn't played in hella long. i really sucked at it bad. it also didn't help that the controllers for that console are different and have the turbo action built in which throws me off big time. i got annoyed & decided to play contra & got a huge kick out of how good i was doing because of the rapid fire button & wound up beating it on my second continue. then i played adventure time until level 1-3 and then played mega man 2 and got bored after beating metal man, wood man, and bubble man like i always do.

after that i went back out in the living room where snookms was watching grid iron gang & i was like "oh hey i remember this flick, it's a good flick!" so we watched that until dinner was ready. i've been really cry-ey lately so the movie got me all choked up.

when that was over we ate dinner, joked around with the kids for a bit, then watched the new 21 jump street movie. it was pretty funny, but there was some parts that i was kind of 'meh' about, so whatever.

now the kids are all asleep & snookms is watching a boring cowboy movie that i don't care about so i guess i'll go to bed now & hope to be back here again tomorrow.

(p.s. i'm starting to get really excited about going back to class again!)

never-neverland

current mood:
currently listening to: ziggy stardust -bauhaus
currently watching: a wrinkle in time: the graphic novel -madeleine l'engle & hope larson

man oh man. i really & sincerely wish i could just post a blog everyday regularly. like poof, there it is! & i guess i really could if i would just stop worrying about everything else so much.

i've been going on nearly 3 weeks of vacation time now, & let me tell you it has been great! i'll resume getting up early and scholarly life on monday with the rest of my kiddoes, but for now i am just enjoying waking up at 1 in the afternoon & going to bed at 4 in the morning. and also cooking dinner at 10 or 11 at night. one of the best things in life right now for me is never having to rush about anything. I HATE RUSHING

so. things i have done. i saw the hobbit! and the avengers! & the newest batman. they were all great. i also saw lol, (loved) & ted (blahhhhh) and got to watch shespawn play skyward sword. & all because of christmas! christmas was really good this year. or, well ... last year, i mean. i got a lot of great loot. and so did the kids. and snookms. and we had a fun new years eve too.

for christmas from snookms & the spawn i got the graphic novel version of "a wrinkle in time", which i just finished and shespawn is now reading. that book has so many meaningful connections to me. my senior year was spent sitting alone in the school hallways during lunch with slaughtered & a warm place taking turns playing in my head & that book constantly being read over & over. this was basically the recipe for the imminent disaster you see before you now. having read the graphic novel version of that book has completed a very special part of my life that i had forgotten about & was by far, my most favouritest gift this year.

i also got finn headphones which are adorbs to the max, an owl that i promise you looks just like cosmic owl without any intention of it being so when snookms initially set out to get it for me. there was also a spirograph based gift under the tree for me which even has the mathmatical equations explained about how those things work in the book that came with the gears. talk about a blast from the past! speaking of blasts from the pasts, snookms, the kids & i took our wintery annual trip to the antique store & we found the holly hobbie lunchbox that i use to have from when i lived in seattle, washington as a first grader! it even came with the thermos, & snookms totally bought it for me which snapped my heart right in two, considering all the dough he had dropped for the spawn & i this christmas. i got it home, cleaned it all up, & am heavily considering using it as a purse/handbag/carry-all thingamahoozit.

3 bands shirts were unwrapped; joy division's 'unknown pleasures' album cover was pictured on one, pink floyd's 'the wall' another, & the smiths was the last. they all fit me perfectly too!

there are also superfancy hello kitty sunglasses that come in a really cute case, and spicy gumdrops and chocolate coins to talk about, but most of all i was just so excited that we all got to see 'the hobbit' for christmas. my brother even got to come along, which i love since we both geek out about tolkien stuff so much.

oh, i almost forgot about the nightmare before christmas snuggie too. that thing likes to suck the body heat right out of me, so much that when i take it off it's like i have to put it right back on or i'll freeze to death on the spot.

the kids all got a lot of really great stuff too, but i'm already getting bored talking about presents so i won't even bother with all that.

as of monday i'll be officially attending iupui. i am taking what mysty deems a 'football math' course but what i deem 'liberal arts' math because yeah, i suck that bad at math still and the classes i took at ivy tech do not transfer over unfortunately. also taking a intro to philosophy class, an 1800's history course, & a communications course to work towards my major.

i had a big fat scare on the last day of my classes at ivy tech with financial aid, but thankfully i was able to take care of it after much haggling and whining to the associate commissioner of the federal grant division about my lowly financial position in life & my inability to pay for what was a sad & simple fuck up on my behalf, but one that was potentially going to cost me over $1000.00 had i kept my mouth shut. basically, transferring from one college to another is scary fucking business, especially for me, and especially since i am a first generation college student at that.

oh! the honors symposium thing that i was invited to be a part of was probably one of my favourite parts of this semester. it was a huge success and i was honored to be presenting & pitching & conversing with everyone involved. all kinds of faculty came in to here me & 5 other capstone course students talk about what each of us are passionate about. there were deans, department heads, and all other walks of scholarly life weaving in & out of the room for the day. i talked to about 12 different professors, and shared with 3 of the fellow participating graduating students about the presentation i did at valparaiso. i was able to print out colored sheets of the powerpoint presentation at valparaiso & cut out the images to paste onto a display board that was issued to each presenting student. i had the pleasure of working on that the night before the symposium, all while watching 'stick it', which is one of my favorite movies. i spent the better part of the night sprawled over the top of the display board, trying to strategically place my images so that they would be both visually appealing while at the time being emotionally effective. i hadn't even realized it while i was there, but my communications professor had later pointed out in an email that i was the keystone speaker, which looking back if i base that observation strictly on position alone, was true. i'm not going to lie and say that didn't flatter the hell out of me, whether it was meant to look that way or not!

i think the thing i loved most about the experience was that i was able to talk casually with faculty that have long been advocates of what i am working towards and that they had so much to contribute to the conversation. i loved the encouragement that each professor gave me and that they had even taken the time to ask questions and further inquire about what i had to present. they treated me as their equal and nothing less, and that felt exhilarating.

i'm thinking that i've forgotten a million other things i wanted to talk about, and hopefully this will be enough fuel spark the motivational fire i need to get my ass on here everyday, so that i DON'T forget to talk about all the million and one things i wind up forgetting instead of just cramming it in one big long boring blog post. but now my elbow is tired from laying in a really weird position while typing on my laptop on my kid's bunk bed and also snookms is getting really lonely and i feel bad for that.

hopefully i'll be back tomorrow!

moliere really pumps my nads

current mood:
currently listening to: nausea -x
currently watching: 

oh man. i think i am finally caught up on every thing that i put on hold to go to the conference with the least amount of anxiety as i could possibly possess. i am here & present!

so the trip was everything i hoped it would be. it was funded, well planned, and successful. the drive took a little less than 3 hours. we had to go up north, just beneath lake michigan & around the corner from chicago. about halfway there we were surfing thru turbine nation. it was so fucking cool and creepy to see those things up close and personal for the next half hour worth of driving. rows and rows of mechanical monsters stretching across empty land for miles. the kids loved every second of it.

i had no idea what the city of valparaiso was going to be like, but i didn't really care tbh. i figured either way, the opportunity is what is knocking, right? we get about 10 minutes from our destination according to our gps, & the landscape takes a very unexpected rural turn, with a very ghost town kind of feel that had me gulping as the minutes passed. signs of civilization abruptly begin popping up and the next thing you know we're in a commercial wonderland of supertargets, kohl's, home depots, and shoe carnivals. i'm like, seriously? these are a few of my favourite things? the chili's restaurant is what finally did it for me. we pull around a wooded corner beyond all this and there is our beloved hampton inn.

i'm still trying to comprehend where in the heck an ivy tech would be amongst all this but it still does not compute. the hotel is brand new looking and the staff is friendlier than i am to my own children. we take the elevator up to the third floor where we find our cozy little 2 bed room and get our things settled in before we head out for a late lunch. red robins is what we all decide on after driving around for 10 minutes. i never ate there before this, so it was nice to finally try it out. i got battered fish and fries and am thinking i would have enjoyed it more if i would have just went with the flow and ordered a dang burger like everyone else does when they go there. it was okay i guess. the free refills on fries was pretty cool tho ...

once we were done there we elected to find ivy tech and at least drive past it to get an idea of how far away it was from our hotel. it was only like 2 minutes from red robins, and red robins is only 5 minutes from the hotel. my initial take on the campus was that it was really creepy. there were no students walking around the campus, and the parking lot comprised mostly of, other parking lots? it looked more like an industry typed setting than anything else. it was all very new and clean and shiny, but NOBODY was walking around, and it was only around 5 pm on a thursday.

the kids were anxious to get back to the hotel and relax, so i asked snookms if he could take me back once we dropped them off so i could walk around inside the campus to get a better feel for what i was up against in the morning. after we dropped the kids off, david (fezziwig) decided he wanted to tag along at the last minute so we left mike jr. & shespawn behind to their own devices and drove back. the building was very cathedral-esque looking. all white, with some pointy temples features jutting out on the roof. the inside was very impressive, but still, not really any students hanging around. i look for the room i'm to be presenting in with two other professors and find it easy enough. was super glad to have snookms & co. with me though, because i was feeling this really weird sense of isolation that would have creeped me out pretty bad if i was alone. you could definitely tell that everything about this city was brand spanking new. it was nice, but in that sort of 'a wrinkle in time' kind of way that isn't so great at all, initially. that all went away after time tho, i think it was just getting used to being in a new place since we haven't gone out of town in foreverrrrrr and a day.

once we made it back to the hotel the kids were ready to go swimming, so we got on our bathing suits and had fun going from the pool to the hot tub once we got there. there was even a little workout room with flatscreens and yoga balls. an old man with a zombie apocalypse shirt and perhaps his grandchild accompanied us while we where there, and an elderly couple replaced their presence once they were gone. i shoved the hotel room's key card in my bikini bottom thinking it would be safe and had to apologize for my hasty thinking when i had to go diving for it at the bottom of the hot tub they were in. luckily i found it and they didn't seem annoyed or anything considering that i had to come eye level with their jonx just to grab a hold of my lost key card.

after that we headed back to our room upstairs and took turns taking showers. by then it was dark and had just started raining, so we decided to head up to supertarget to get snacks for the night plus some eyeliner since i forgot to pack mine. again, everything is all brand new here, all of it squeaky clean and organized. at this point i was starting to get used to it, and also starting to experience delirium from lack of sleep i had gotten the past few nights. when i get to this point, i am pretty damn obnoxious. it's fun, you should see me sometime!

now we are back at the hotel, cozy in our beds and chomping away on midnight snacks. i have my laptop open, rehearsing my powerpoint presentation & just exactly how i want to say what i want to say. adventure time is on and i slowly dose off for the evening.

6:00 am is when the alarm goes off, and i am up with no problem. so glad to not have drowsiness slowing me down that morning. get myself all prettied up, rehearse the powerpoint yet again, and then start packing up stuff to put in the van since we decided at the last minute that we are going home once i'm done at the conference. downstairs breakfast is totally happening in the lounge and i am starting to see folks come out of the woodwork thank fucking god. i wonder how many of them are fellow presenters at the conference (which i later find out are most of them!) and worry that i am under dressed for the event considering most of them are fancily suited up. i mean, yes, i dressed up too, but more of a pantsy-black-goth sort of dress up. i even painted my nails black, which i hesitated on at the last minute just because, but decided to go ahead for authenticity's sake. but whatever, i couldn't be bothered with self doubt at this point. no choice but to soldier on.

the kids were delighted at the opportunity to make their own waffles, which i thought was hella cute that they were so delighted about it. i didn't have time for all of that, but i was able to grab an omelet, fresh fruit, yogurt, and some coffee. i loved that the hotel had free coffee available 24-7, as well as fresh cookies.

once snookms woke up enough, we were ready to go. i arrived an hour early, which gave me plenty of time to scope the place out some more and get acclimated with everyone & everything. right away i got to meet nancy, the editor of the atrium where my paper was accepted. she is the host of the whole icea ordeal, and she is way more friendly in person than i thought she was going to be. she seemed genuinely pleased to meet me, gave me my folder with my name tag, program and other such goodies in it and told me if i needed technology assistance to head up there to get it set up since i was to be presenting in the first session.

like i said, there were two other presenters in the panel with me, but we were in the first session for the day. the remainder of the day would consist of other professors and graduate students pitching their best-teaching methods for classroom environments. i took a few minutes in the lounge area to rehearse my shit for the last time, and then headed up to the room for the welcome portion of the event.

there were probably only 3 or 4 other students, all of them graduate students, and then all the rest were professors. i was the only person presenting there that hadn't yet earned a degree or an official teaching title. little fish swimming with big sharks alert! it was a super humbling experience. all along i kept wondering what the hell i was doing being invited amid all these experienced individuals. but i was there and whatever, no time to worry about all that.

the first two professors to present before me had multicultural insights about how to best reach a diverse classroom. i liked what they had to say about allowing code-switching in the writing process in order to encourage students to talk about things that are difficult to express. and also some of the reading material and the positive feedback the students provided as a result of reading 'the house on mango street' and other titles that i can't remember at the moment.

once it got to be my turn i didn't even bother looking up at the audience before i introduced myself. i glanced up quickly after i began speaking about my presentation and only stuttered over my words a few times. once i was done, the first question from the q & a session was directed toward me, asking what my professional experience was, and if i had any personal experience with the situation. the moderator of the panel had quickly read off a bio of info about each of us presenters, but it didn't really include in detail what my intentions were in being there at the conference. so it was a nice opportunity to share where i wanted to go with my degree, and during the luncheon, i had several professors come up to me and tell me how meaningful my presentation was to them, with one of them being personally affected by autism since his 6 year old son had it. i was really relieved to hear that because i was starting to feel really humbled by all the great ideas that were being thrown around by the other professors and graduate students during the conference.

my favourite panel that i attended was the one i chose to go to directly after i was done presenting, which was a modernized take on feminism, by Tolu Idowu, titled, "Not Just Semantics: Understanding Patriarchy, Unpacking Feminism, and Promoting Womanism". She did an impressive job of conveying the importance of including the male perspective in feminism, since more and more men are embracing feminism. Womanism is the new term she wanted to introduce in terms of eradicating the stigma of misandry that many are of the assumption of existing in feminism. everyone there was extremely enthusiastic to be there, and excited to bring their new ideas to other individuals that cared just as much as they did about best-teaching methods of instruction.

i loved that i somehow got to be a part of all this, and was even invited to attend the next annual conference, which i am seriously considering going to. and so now i am super exhausted from posting this elaborately long and boring post and will retire for the evening, glad that i got to document this experience for future reading and recollection.

if i look back, i am lost

current mood:
currently listening to: kill -iamamiwhoami
currently reading: rookie yearbook one



everything has been covered in this sort of "light at the end of the tunnel" typed glow, which is really lovely considering how rough things have been. i think it's mostly me just letting go of old shit so i can move on to new shit.

good news to report ... financing has been provided by Ivy Tech for the conference i'm presenting at in two weeks. also, have been accepted to iupui, so graduate school here i come. i took the placement testing and have orientation coming sometime within the next few weeks. and the icing on top of the cake (academically wise) is that on friday when i went to my lifespan development class i found out that me & one other student had the top scores on the exam we took last week, and according to my professor, the highest score-ers in her entire course, including the other colleges she is teaching at. this was really flattering because most of the students complain about how difficult the course is (which it is!) and the professor also mentioned that the exam i did so well on was the toughest of the 5 exams in the course.

it's nice to see desirable results being yielded; i feel as though i've been flat-lining path-wise for sometime now. was gettin real fuckin tired of lembas bread for awhile there.

the 3rd annual ghoul's nite out was a real success this year, even though there were far less in attendance than last year's get together. we started out at bw3's in greenwood, then headed to the asylum house, which moved from where it was these past few years, and then ended up at the keystone art cinema to watch v.h.s.

bw3's was okay i guess, i just ordered way too much food that i didn't like as much as i thought i would. i have a pathological aversion to onions, and when i ordered the sampler platter, i thought for sure the onion rings wouldn't be excessive, but they seemed to be the main attraction of the dish. i felt bad about wasting so much food! mysty managed to brighten up the evening by having us do a little speed mixer thingy to break the ice between fellow mysty worshipers before heading out to the haunted house.

since the asylum house had moved it's location, the set-up of the haunted house that we had become so accustomed to was changed of course. it was quite a treat however, as there were so much more outdoors encounters than last time. the majority of the adventure took place on haunted trails outside, and mysty enjoyed torturing me by volunteering for me to be the butt of just about every scene's attraction. i'd say the highlight of the evening had to be the mad hatter and his tea party that sprawled out before us once we were finished lurking the outdoor trails. there was a guillotine, the queen and us running for our lives after being threatened by her if we  didn't leave after the count of three. at this point we were all laughing and holding onto each other for dear life, and two chainsaw wielding actors were chasing us into a hopeless and endless corn maze. about halfway through the corn maze we were all ready to go see the movie for the night, so when we finally did make our way out, it was a huge relief. all in all i give the new haunt a 9 out of 10, only because it was a little too long and not enough actresses/actors jumping out at every turn during the corn maze portion.

we piled up in mysty's new car 'zeus' and stopped at walmart long enough for me to grab some pajama pants to slip in to since i had to go & period in my pants while the chainsaw dudes were chasing me. they literally scared the menstruation out of me.

it was a nice relaxing drive out to castleton, where the keystone art cinema is. i've only been to that particular theatre once before, which was with mysty as well, to see 'the runaways'. it is a superfancy theatre to me, it typically only plays independent films, and has a bar built in which recipients are allowed to bring alcohol in and consume while they watch the movie. again, we were going to see v.h.s., which i hadn't heard JACKSHIT about previously. turned out to be a super creepy/crappy first person perspective typed film, in which was an anthology of creative storytelling. none of the stories were woven together in such a way that made any sense in correlation to one another, kind of like creepshow, but at the same time, they just flowed together in such a way that made it okay enough to suspend disbelief. i think of all the stories, the first one with the amazingly adorable creature "i like you" girl took the cake, along with the paranormal doctor one. i mean, they were all equally engaging, but to me, those had the biggest creep factor of them all. i would definitely recommend anyone seeing this movie for a good halloween flick.

once the movie was over mysty & all the other ladies & i stood outside the parking lot, remembering the highlights of the night and having a bunch of good laughs. it's always interesting to see who the new flavour of the month is with mysty, and though there is a pang of jealousy that tries to invade my internals, i find the experience of learning about her through these individuals an enlightening experience. i am able to see a lot more standing outside of the relationship looking in, and am able to even learn a lot about myself as well, being this type of an observer. something like warmness has a tendency to take over when i see sincerity in a girl's intentions for mysty, which helps in the jealousy process to be able to let go and know that these other potentials can make her happy in such a way that maybe i could never offer her. they are all little flowers in her garden, each special & unique in their own way, which so many of us appreciate about mysty.

the rest of this week has been a roller coaster ride of teenage craziness with my own horde, but alas, fall break has come upon us to take away the dreary & weary. i am looking forward to tv night at my mom & dad's tomorrow, and it's been extra fun since my brother has been a participant these past few months as well. i've always felt a ridiculous amount of deep and heartfelt connection to all three of my brothers, so whenever i'm blessed with an opportunity to converse with them, more often than not i feel as though a weight of a thousand years has been lifted from my shoulders and thrown into an abyss.

i feel really lucky to have the family & friends that i do.

i feel like i know her, but sometimes my arms bend back

current mood:

currently listening to: easy lover -phil collins & philip bailey

currently reading: the meaning of difference

i feel so fucking overwhelmed. there is emotional payoff, so i get something out of this, but i don't think i've ever been challenged the way i have this year.

no, wait ... i take that back. that year that mike jr. was diagnosed as autistic , along with my mom & dad losing their home and vehicles, and my two brothers ending up in the hospital with one being taken straight to "hospital jail" to get rods put in his leg, all occurring within a matter of months, has always been the winner of tearing me apart.

but this year is a close second i s'pose.

i feel good about what's happening for the most part. i definitely feel the mark of fire burning it's way through my psyche, coursing it's way through my veins & forging a destiny made of my blood, sweat, and tears. and sure, all of it is fucking worth it, but my heart is fucking hurting right now. it's hurting so bad and my chest feels like an anvil has been dropped on it. i guess what's making this all bearable is the perspective i'm choosing to look at it through, coupled with the fact that for every shitty thing that is occurring, there is something that comes to negate the turd/terd-like effects/affects.

i am finding myself being challenged as a parent these days, being tested against all the fucked up shit i put my own parents through growing up. there isn't a day that goes by that i don't want to call my mom & dad and tell them how utterly sorry i am for what i dealt them in my youth. i'm only getting a mere taste of what havoc i wreaked in our household growing up, & at this point i'm already favorably envisioning curling up in a ball like a fetus, sucking my thumb, and throwing the towel in. i seriously don't know how my parents survived my rebellious phase without dying from heartache. it's so hard to see loved ones struggle through life knowing that they have the best of intentions &to see everything they've striven to be unravel before your very eyes because of insubordination to a failing system, & then watching a system you've come to trust & rely upon continue to fail miserably time & time again.

i'm learning how to fight the power, to infiltrate from within. but i'm tired tonight. just really. fucking. tired.

being a wife & a mother has been the most heartbreaking and trying experience of my life. but it's all worth it. every second.

black orchid

current mood:

currently listening to: overworld theme -ultima-exodus

currently watching: hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy

i miss staying up late, struggling to keep our eyes open while the glow of the television, with all the lights turned off, burned 8-bit images into our retinas. forever enabling in us , a heartfelt pang of inexplicable and fragmented desire for things no longer of this earth. always afraid we descended too deep, the soundtrack of those caverns caused in us a panic that led to an irrational sense of misdirection. above ground, we were safe once we got to town. you got in so much fucking trouble, for being a smartass, for playing nintendo too much, and for showing your bare ass to us. you even eventually got me in trouble, because i was influenced by your behavior.

& i loved every second of it.

the castle theme, when heard, will always bring solace ... while ambrosia will always creep me the fuck out. that is, unfortunately, where the party was always at. you knew things were looking up though, when you got your sea legs.

regardless, we'll always have the mark of kings.

goodnight <3

(you outta be proud that i'm getting good marks)

current mood:

currently listening to: needle in the hay -elliot smith

currently watching: my cat from hell

today i woke up in a really good mood. i didn't wake up until 1 in the afternoon, and it felt really good to get a decent night's sleep. i took a muscle relaxer before i went to bed since my neck has been giving me problems again, so that must have helped. i avoid taking them on school nights because last time i tried doing that i wound up sleeping through the alarm and the kids were all super late for school.

i'm trying to read the first chapters for all my classes next week. so far i have the first chapter read in my cultural anthropology book, my cultural diversity in the u.s. book, & half of the first chapter read in my intro to human services book. i still need to finish reading that, & then the first chapter in my lifespan development book. the subject i am most excited about learning is lifespan development, but the class i am most excited to attend is cultural diversity. it's the honors class, & i am kinda nervous because this is an all new experience to me, but more than anything i guess i am looking forward to it.

i helped snookms' sister clean some remodeled apartments over off of pendleton pike on the east side the other day at the last minute. she texted me around 4 in the afternoon asking if i knew of anyone that needed some cash & wanted to work, & even though i wasn't dying for cash i knew we could use it, so i told her i'd be there around six, and worked straight through until midnight. we cleaned 3 apartments which wasn't too bad considering it was my first time doing those apartments. the worst part was cleaning the tubs in the bigger bathrooms, because the construction workers left them looking pretty gross.

yesterday i drove to the gas station down the street to get some soda for the kids before they got home from school & there was a stand-up dildo strategically placed on the sungate sign that sits at the entrance of our subdivision. i thought it was pretty fucking hilarious & was dying to know who did it. it was gone this afternoon, though, & i was actually kind of glad because that IS kinda moded to have a dildo greeting everyone coming into our neighborhood. not the best first impression to make.

my cat from hell is on & i actually really love this show. the cat whisperer seems to be a really good listener & makes good inferences in order to best help the cat from hell's personal situations. cat psychology 101 should've been my jam.

i guess i'm gonna go now because i ran out of shit to talk about.

happy birthday to me

current mood:

currently listening to: dracula -gorillaz

currently watching: game of thrones

oh god i am so wide awake right now. i'm rewatching the game of thrones season 2 marathon on hbo. well, actually it's just playing as white noise in backround as i sit & stare off into space. i can't seem to stay focused on anything for too long. i finally sat down and watched both seasons of game of thrones a few weeks ago, so i'm not as into watching it as i was before. but yes, oh so good. i loved watching every second of it and wasn't bored with any of the story. typically there is one perspective of the story telling that i get bored with hearing about but every character i found equally intriguing. like i was telling some friends on facebook, even though i love tyrion & arya bunches, i really found myself attached to cersei & jon snow. i think it's mostly because of the inner conflict they both seem to outwardly play off as if there is no such thing, even though they appear to be kind of polar opposites?

so like, a lot has happened since my birthday a few weeks ago. i am 36 years old, & can you believe it but i truly did lose track of my own age these past few years? i felt embarrassed that i really didn't know my own age, & was seriously telling people i was 35 or 34 or 33 when i was a year older or younger or i don't even know anymore. i guess after 30 you really do lose track? not because i feel old or unaccounted for, i just stopped keeping count. i also am terrible with remembering numbers. i don't even ever know my brothers exact ages, which i sometimes feel ashamed to admit. i do know their birthdays though, which is quite a feat for me. i wonder what causes that kind of mixed up thinking, almost a kind of disassociation with regard to numerals, which i don't like at all. i'll have to investigate that further...

so for my birthday i just wanted to pig out at penn station with snookms & the kids & then go see the amazing spiderman, so that is what we did. shelling out the cash for those two events costs nearly $100 fat ones for the 5 of us, and that is typically the limit that snookms & i try to stay at for each of our birthday events. spiderman was okay i guess. i really liked the new spiderman, & emma stone was alright too, but i was disappointed in lizard man. i'm not comparing it with the other spiderman movies that previously came out, both had their good and bad points, i guess i am just not putting one on top of the other as far as which i liked better. both of them had really derpy moments, but also had some breathtakingly cool scenes as well.

either way, it was fun just getting out with snookms and the kiddoes. we don't get out to see movies and get something to eat together as a family nearly as much as we used to since we took the paycut with the job snookms has now, but positive aspects far outweigh the negative ones. snookms not being constantly tired, snookms not being constantly taken for granted by ungrateful contractors, snookms not being abused by absurdly high and low outdoor temperatures, and snookms having a retirement and insurance are far better than snookms & co. having enough money to go to the movie theater every weekend any day of the week.

let's see, ... shespawn & i did slip out just the two of us to see moonrise kingdom a few weeks ago. she had some graduation money that my mom & dad had given her & wanted to use some of it to pay for tickets, so we did just that & it was a great time. that movie is really cute and i couldn't stop thinking about how perfect it was. this might sound really weird but it reminded me of what it might have been like when mordicai met jenny. i dunno, go see it & tell me what you think dude! RENEGADE BOY SCOUT

oh, oh, ohhhhhh! my paper did get accepted to the atrium, i don't remember if i said anything about that or not yet, it's been a while since i last wrote here. i've written small, vague entries that pertain to no one and no thing but my own personal bullshit, misery, or musings since then, but i just couldn't be bothered to talk about anything in great detail or with any sort of emotional investment then. so you see, my paper has been accepted, and will be published in the fall, and it'll be the first student paper to have been accepted there. the editor i became somewhat close with in our emails back & forth said that she would like to continue taking student submissions on a yearly basis and publishing one annually. this also sparked an interest in the possibility of me presenting my paper at the Indiana College English Association conference this year, and the editor asked if i would submit a summary of it to be considered. when i got the email that my summary had been accepted i felt like i won the fucking lottery. i'll be presenting at the end of October, the same day that the new Silent Hill movie is being released. FML, right? no, actually, i'm looking forward to it because most likely snookms & the kiddoes are going to tag along & we're going to make a family adventure out of it as much as we possibly can. & my campus is working to find a way to fund the trip for us since the editor said that, "the fact that my paper was chosen to present at the conference gives not only me high points, but my professor, as well as my campus". "toot-toot!" goes my very loud and shame filled horn.

it's weirrrrrrrrrrrrd that it still feels like my birthday has been celebrated every day to some degree or another, even though more than two weeks have gone by since. each new day some surprise around the corner that makes me appreciate having another day to be alive.

one of the biggest and sweetest of surprises was the anniversary orchids snookms bought me 2 years ago regrowing new flowers. there hadn't been any more flower growth since the first ones wilted away, and just within the last two days 3 of them came blooming into life. this plant has already gotten me emotionally attached, just like all the othe breeds that snookms & i have come across over the years. this one long & leafy cactus like plant had a spike shaped pink flower growing from the middle of it lived for at least 5 years, and when it finally said goodbye snookms & i were both super depressed & totally went into plant denial, pretending it was still alive and watering everyday for months. we do that you know.

another cool surprise was how much i wound up liking the movie prozac nation. there is a large handful of 90's media that i missed out on, on account that snookms & i became both newlyweds and parents one after the other. we also got our own place and had this all happen within a 2 month time frame so that left us with very little interest in keeping up with the joneses at that time. but uhmmm, apparently this movie was one of the few movies that i was like, "oh gosh christina ricci movie! where have you been all my life?!" kind of deals. i loved the movie to pieces & i think what moved me the most was the lou reed scene & the piece wurtzel wrote about that concert that won the rolling stone magazine award. & then how she treated, handled & talked about the loss of her virginity. if i could ever identify with anyone's experience, her reaction in the movie depicted exactly how i felt in my own loss. the soundtrack kind of tore my heart in half with reawakening ... the songs were ones that i had heard from so long ago, fragments half-assedly etched into my memory as a child, what with my dad's melancholy-like state of being, and then never to be heard again until seeing this particular movie. the replacements' "i will dare" hit me so hard emotionally that time stopped momentarily. everything about that song is me, & my dad, and everything else would be history. it hurts to remember things so vividly, both in regard to the positive & the negative. & so even though i had felt that awkward pretentious feel that autobiographies have the tendency of having, the movie was an enjoyable surprise for me. in the past i had assumed it would be a movie that i would care less about watching, but i was wrong.

hahaha OH GOD the dragons are crying for daenerys in game of thrones. the episode just ended & i think the next episode is the one that reminds me of the tower of high sorcery in the dragonlance novels when daenerys goes looking for her babbies in the house of the undying. i really liked how they played that out & the whole time i kept imagining raistlin would come shuffling out in his techni-colour dream robes to zap caramon for being his equal in wizardry. IT COULD HAPPEN

i can't remember anything else really cool to talk about now, plus i have to get my ass to bed because the kids are done with summer break & i gotta get up early with them to get them off to school. i would just go back to sleep after they leave but i don't like getting into the habit of that with my first day back to class being  this coming monday. so here's to the sandman bringin' me a dream, i guess.

downpour

current mood:

currently listening to: i bleed -pixies

currently reading: smiles to go -jerry spinelli

"i'm dreaming. i'm standing behind him. i know there's a smile on his face but i can't see it. i want to tell him to turn around. i keep trying but i can't speak. i can feel my throat getting sore. and now something is coming out of my mouth, but it isn't words. it's tiny flashes. a glittery stream of them. protons leaving me flying and dying into his black hair."

everything is fine

current mood:

currently listening to: year of the cat -al stewart

currently watching: running with scissors

"i can't focus because of the voices

i see you for what you are

yeah, the camera never lies

my parents have given you thousands of dollars & i'm still sick

you have to help me get better, you know what i do

you have to help me get better"

she's a raven

current mood:

currently listening to: girl from ipanema -frank sinatra

currently reading: american gods -neil gaiman

in the hanging garden ...

current mood:

currently listening to: lights -interpol

currently reading: punktown -jeffrey thomas

today i submitted a summary of the paper i've been working on revising for The Atrium these past few weeks. i finally finished the dang thing last week & submitted it, & lo & behold, it was accepted. the editor, nancy, had mentioned that she was hosting the indiana college english association conference & suggested i submit a summary of the paper there as well. she said she felt it was a good fit with the theme of "civil strife" they have going for this year. if my summary does get selected i'll be doing a presentation of my paper to the faculty, which i find highly exciting since it is all about advocating autism awareness along with personal awareness on a typically functioning level. my heart is reeling at the possibilities...

a lot has been going on lately, & i feel sad knowing that i don't take time out of my day everyday to post the events here. i love being able to go to past entries & get all nostalgic because of the everyday details that are able to be articulated in writing about them.

seeing prometheus was a great & wonderful thing to do with the family. it was so nice to have my dad, mom, oldest brother, snookms, & kiddoes with me to watch it. facehuggers & xenomorphs have always been held in high regard in our household growing up. i watched the movie with the same awe & anticipation that i had watching alien & aliens as a kid, & felt the same kind of terror mixed with wonder at it all once it was over. it wasn't until a day or two later when i was able to talk with my dad that i was willing to accept that the movie had flaws. he hated how the cast failed at being a plausible group of characters, other than vickers & david. i'll have to admit that i wasn't nearly as impressed with david as i was with bishop, but my heart will forever be devoted to him no matter who tries to step up to the plate i s'pose. other than that i tried really hard to not compare this movie to the others. i think it's useless trying to do so, & i knew it would only taint my experience.

snookms is finally getting to go back to the day shift, after proving his worth for two years. he's on his way to getting a cdl license, & will be further promoted as his experience with trucks progresses. our relationship has been going nicely, even if it is at somewhat of a plateau at this point. it's nice to not have the roller coaster of emotions fucking with our ability to thrive. when we don't fuck for a long time, we have this tendency to let our pent up aggression out by wrestling, which is sometimes better than sex because there is a lot of laughter & we don't have to wait until the kids are asleep to do it. he is always trying out the new ufc moves he picks up on when he watches kickboxing matches, & i am always trying out my evasive/aggressive theories of physical escape. there is this one move that he does that is terrible & makes my head feel like it's going to explode. i forget what it's called but he wraps his forearm & bicep around the bottom of my face & squeezes & i almost can't even yell when he does it. then he lets up on me until i find a way to get back on top of him & smash his face with my crotch.

the last outing with my communications professor didn't go as planned, but was still a nice time. we wound up not going to iupui, as their admissions process is different than what we expected. instead i did my application online & then she asked me to accompany her to butler university since she had to drop off some transcripts for a job position she got hired for in the fall. she'll be teaching two classes there & she was so happy to show off how beautiful that campus is. we kept joking about it being hogwarts.

after that we drove around the area & drooled over the victorian cottages sprinkled throughout the town, & then headed downtown where she treated me to strawberry shortcake at the strawberry festival being held at the circle monument. it was so good but the heat was killing us so we decided to head over to circle center mall to check out the 'teavana' they have there. i love how she is turning me onto a whole new world of charming intricacies. i was overwhelmed with the delight of allowing my senses the opportunity to try new sights, fragrances, & tastes. ann is slowly teaching me what she knows about tea & turning me on to this new world of elegance. last saturday i received the small shipment of walnut tea i ordered at teagrotto.com, & it tasted exactly like the buttery/coconut-ish goodness ann & i had at the tea house she took me to. i was able to place a surprise order of it & have it sent to her address, so i hope she's able to get it by next week. that stuff is otherworldlyyyyyy <3

the rest of my time has been split between cooking, budgeting finances, watching legend of korra, going to parks & going on walks, with the occasional zumba or mysty (or both!) meetup. shespawn beat silent hill: downpour somewhere amongst all that too, which i realize i haven't said anything about. that game was super satisfying on the spooky/immersing level. almost everything they have you doing in that game has you tensed up in utter fear or repulsion, & the music, graphics, & story are pretty engaging. one of the final bosses **SPOILER ALERT** reminds me of the beast from the old iron maiden album covers that i would lovingly caress & admire as a pre-teen. it's attempts at telekinesis are pretty adorbs. the ending (the one shespawn ended up with, anyway) was satisfying too.

& then today, after i was done writing & submitting the summary of my paper to the icea, snookms, jr., fezziwig & i ventured out to cicero, me to my brother's new house on the lake, & snookms & the boys went down the street to his mom's to try out his new heat. shespawn had spent the night there along with her cousin last night & my brother invited us to come out to watch the fireworks show, but since the show was postponed we rode our bikes into town instead & got pizza at this charming little shop right across from the reservoir. i was blasting 'crystal castles' & 'the doors' on my ipod the whole bike ride there & got lost inside my own thought process because i was enjoying myself so much. by the time we were done at the pizza shop, snookms & the boys were already back at my brother's place & invited us to go swimming at his mom's since it was like, 100 degrees, even though it was already 8:00 at night. so we all piled up in our vehicles & stayed at his mom's swimming & feasting until almost midnight. the drive home is kind of long, but it is one of my favourite drives to make, especially on a late, hot & humid summer night like that.

i wish every day & night could be like this.