Wednesday, September 12, 2012

i feel like i know her, but sometimes my arms bend back

current mood:
currently reading: the meaning of difference

i feel so fucking overwhelmed. there is emotional payoff, so i get something out of this, but i don't think i've ever been challenged the way i have this year.

no, wait ... i take that back. that year that mike jr. was diagnosed as autistic , along with my mom & dad losing their home and vehicles, and my two brothers ending up in the hospital with one being taken straight to "hospital jail" to get rods put in his leg, all occurring within a matter of months, has always been the winner of tearing me apart.

but this year is a close second i s'pose.

i feel good about what's happening for the most part. i definitely feel the mark of fire burning it's way through my psyche, coursing it's way through my veins & forging a destiny made of my blood, sweat, and tears. and sure, all of it is fucking worth it, but my heart is fucking hurting right now. it's hurting so bad and my chest feels like an anvil has been dropped on it. i guess what's making this all bearable is the perspective i'm choosing to look at it through, coupled with the fact that for every shitty thing that is occurring, there is something that comes to negate the turd/terd-like effects/affects.

i am finding myself being challenged as a parent these days, being tested against all the fucked up shit i put my own parents through growing up. there isn't a day that goes by that i don't want to call my mom & dad and tell them how utterly sorry i am for what i dealt them in my youth. i'm only getting a mere taste of what havoc i wreaked in our household growing up, & at this point i'm already favorably envisioning curling up in a ball like a fetus, sucking my thumb, and throwing the towel in. i seriously don't know how my parents survived my rebellious phase without dying from heartache. it's so hard to see loved ones struggle through life knowing that they have the best of intentions &to see everything they've striven to be unravel before your very eyes because of insubordination to a failing system, & then watching a system you've come to trust & rely upon continue to fail miserably time & time again.

i'm learning how to fight the power, to infiltrate from within. but i'm tired tonight. just really. fucking. tired.

being a wife & a mother has been the most heartbreaking and trying experience of my life. but it's all worth it. every second.