It's early and I feel sick. S'POSed to be going to the zoo today with my eldest's friend and his aunt. At this "juncture in my career" I am just not feeling it this morning. Maybe I'll feel better an hour from now. I hope so.
There's no going back at this point. When I spoke to Alex's aunt last night, she said he was very much looking forward to today. I can't let the poor little bugger down, he's already had enough of life stabbing him in the back.....
When the guy was 3, his dad died from a tumor in his head. He's also autistic (a little more severe than my own son's in some areas but not in others) and ADD, and his mom lost a battle with cancer earlier this year.....2 days before Mother's Day to be exact. His mother's funeral was the day after his birthday, the viewing was ON his birthday, for crying out loud. Not to sound insensitive, but somehow I think his autism helps him filter through this stage of his life. He probably would have had some sort of breakdown if it were any other way.
So the thought of canceling out on this trip today is completely out of the question. I just hope it's not so hot that I can feel my twat sweating while we make this journey. And I hope my kids don't complain the whole time. They usually don't. Actually, they are pretty much troopers when it comes to shit like this, but sometimes, outta nowhere, their endurance will have seemed to wane, and they just want to get the fuck out of dodge at a moment's notice. Those are the times when I can't deal and I fold. Oh what I wouldn't do for some mind altering substances on days like this. I really should be on meds, fer cryin' out loud.
My nun therapist is supporting my desire to go this bi-polaric journey alone, without the waterwings of medicine to help me stay afloat, but she doesn't cease to occasionally mention the use of herbal supplements. (NO!! Not THOSE kinds, you GONADS!) She has suggested the use of St. John's Wort and Omega 3 Fatty Acids, and eating lotsa nuts. I WISH she'd just pass me a joint. But she's a fuckin nun for Christ's sake. A six foot tall, african american nun, whom is Greek Orthodox, which, according to her, is the earliest form of Christian Worship.
I really dig my nun therapist though. I was intimidated like mad when I first met up with her, years ago, but our unification has proven quite fruitful over the years. And I can talk to her about ANYTHING. Yes, anything. Including dreams where I have orgies with her in the middle of the porn section of Family Video, and she is fondling my rack with her teeth.
I have an appt. with her tonight, and at this point, I am finally starting to trust her enough to tell her the truth about my life. About my past, my childhood, my present, my ability to physically abuse myself, with the comfort of knowing she isn't going to have me locked away at the nearest state boobie hatch. Although I've wondered if it could be a great place for a private vacation get away from time to time......Alas, I don't think I could handle the lonliness those types of environments generate. The last one I was at for hurting myself I only lasted 3 days. I had to get gone ASAP.
But here I am, learning to deal, learning to heal. Getting Anger Management out of this as well, and learning a thing or 3 along the way. Like, that it's actually okay to get mad. That's the LAST thing you ever think you are going to take away with you when attending Anger Management. But it's true. I guess the longer you hold in the fact that you wanna rip the heart out of some dipshit's ass, the worse it is for a person. Not that ass ripping of the hearts is okay by any means, but I learned that if you wait too long, that shit just festers inside like the Bubonic Plague, and it's better to go let that person/animal/closet door know JUST how you feel, straightaway. What a shocker that was for me. A shocker, and a relief. Hard to do though, y'know? After 30 years of learning to supress all that shit, it isn't easy to just "let it all hang out". It's a dance perfected over time, learning to supress your anger so that it explodes like a nuclear bomb on the next guy who just wanted a little extra ice in their coke at Mickey D's. But I guess farting in customer's cups to exact due revenge isn't the answer to life's "What if's".....
I learn new things ev'ryday, yah?
Now I must depart. I have clothes I must squeeze into, dead to awaken, picnics to pack, and monkeys to return the flinging of poo too. Those fuckers get away with murder in the zoo.
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