I'm really fucking heartbroke right now. Yesterday, my son, the one with autism, got into the car yesterday after picking him up from school, all torn up over the "King of Dipshits" club at his school.
Let's face it here folks, he's not the most popular kid at school. In fact, he's probably the least popular, and the kids he hangs out with at recess to play Star Wars roleplay and SECRETPIRATE aren't top notch either. So let's just call em "The King of the dipshits" gang, as Farmer Ted so cleverly puts it in 16 Candles. I am of this clan, matter of fact, not only am I a member, I'm the fuckin PRESIDENT when it comes to this shit.
So anyways, he (my oldest) proceeds to tell me that these dipshits suddenly don't want him following them around anymore, but lovely little endearing Mike, as he is, doesn't care. So he KEEPS following them. They say "Quit following us". Mike persists, heartbroken as he is. He tries to get on the slide that they deem the "secretpirateship" and they block his fuckin way.
Boy, if I had a missile launcher for every god damn time someone did that to me or my kids, you'd be callin me HITCO.
Fuckers.
So, anyhoozle, Mike finally decides to tell their teacher what is going on, and the teacher makes the kids apologize, but not before they can chuck him in the head with bark. (I fucking HATE bark) and here Mike is, all lowly and humbled, pulling his shirt up over his head so no one can see him crying. (That's just what he does) The teacher suggests for him to go play with his buddy Alfredo on the swings, (another member of what all the asshole popular kids deem the "loser" club), which Mike normally doesn't have a problem with, but he's still burnt up about why the fuck the king of dipshits gang are suddenly (in the LITERAL sense of the meaning) dipshits today. (I would be too) And now he's taken it upon himself to make it his mission in life to feel accepted by these dickwads......
This is all too familiar a scenario for me and my angsted youth. Instead of saying to myself "FUCK EM", I walk circles around myself like a stupid assed dog chasing it's tail endlessly, trying to find acceptance in this bullshit world. It wasn't until I was a Junior in High school that I finally adopted this ideal, and by then, it didn't even fuckin matter anymore. How I would love to drill this same ideal into my son's head, and have it click. I've had the FUCK EM mentality from the get-go, but I can't MAKE him embrace it. He has to come to terms with it on his own. I hope he does soon, and doesn't wait a fuckin lifetime, like I did.
Also, also, ALSO....my second in running, David, has been in the process of autism ruling in or out as well for the past year, and I just got back the report yesterday. It's quite a meaty piece of read, with a whole lotta psyche-jargon that I'm not too familiar with, but I read every page and absorb every word for future use. It reports that indeed my son David, is NOT autistic, but shows significantly high levels in the anxiety area, and considering the father's history with ocd, is prompting that we get him tested in that area as well. The detailed report talks about all the specific worries that David expresses (in the confidence of the school psychologist) and I am just overwhelmed by everything this kid is carrying around on his shoulders on a day to day basis. Here I was, thinking that I had combatted those demons successfully in my own wake so that my kids wouldn't have to deal with them.
BOY was I wrong.
It's heartbreak multiplied by the thousands I tell ya. He is also a major germaphobic, equivalent to Adrian Monk, from the show MONK. He can't stand to look at people when they have food on their face either. (Just like his fuckin POPS) It seems like sheer snobbery, but when you realize the suffering they are going through to be like this, it's quite a different story.
I want to strangle the word "dissension" in this moment like a mutherfuck.
And then, the biggest reason I chose to blog this here, and not on my other blog, is because my son's teacher is on my friend's list on my other blog, which means there is a possibility she might read what I am about to babble, and I just don't care to deal with all the bullshit right now.
Last night was "Back to Hell, whoops, I mean School" night. Big whoop. I always get a STRONG sense of insecurity whenever I saunter those smelly halls. My uber sense of insecurity is cranked FULL FUCKING BLAST last night, treading those floors of ridiculousness. I get the sense that every god-damned teacher is avoiding me like the Plague in that building, and rightly so....I took a stand against my son's teacher last spring, and they all think me shit for it. Hell, I think me shit for it too, BUT!!! (there's always a BUT!!) I don't fucking care anymore. I spent the better half of my 3 years dedicated to volunteering in that school so that the teachers there wouldn't have to feel the everyday burden that life offers in said school systems. Sure, I didn't save them from every trap, I didn't even save them from MOST, but I put in every ounce of my effort to make them feel like they could depend on me anytime they needed me. And "need me" they did. I have no problem with that. What I do have a problem with is the way they all act because I didn't let some god-damned teacher crucify my son just because he's got attention issues, and she's obviously got deepseeded problems from her past which obviously fuels the reason she chose to take the actions that she took on my son (and others who "fail" to fit the "standard". (I hate that fucking word, standard)
......I guess I'm just not a member of my own realm of "King of the Dipshits" anymore.
Oh well, my card was gettin worn anyway.
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