Taking a walk on the wilde side...

Floating alone on waves of despair & nothingness. I want to say things I shouldn’t say, or rather, things that shouldn’t be contrived. My therapist has rewired me to say “I wish” instead of “I should have” & that has changed circumstances significantly. But the olde beast, it still yearns for it’s ancient ways of dealing. There are still so many “should haves” washing over this oceania of regret & it’s all I can do to bite my tongue.

I have so much to say darlings, about this dreary world that only reading books about Kilgore Trout can satiate these days. There are secret scribes inside this mechanism that take notes & other gears that tear those notions asunder once the pen hits the paper readily. *Kilgore Trout* *Kilgore Trout* Those 2 words burned themselves into my slumbering imagery through the night, like I sometimes allow the word *Messiah* to do.

In this place I can be safe to be me, but for how long? Another facet of myself chooses to betray my words & make them public, as if to say, “See! I told you you were an ass, Rachel… or … whoever you are for today!” These things make me whimper with invalid frustration.
I have 3 specific images I have deposited into my spank bank of reason. No, not so I can go masturbate freely to the lustful rhythm of my clitoris, more like, thought candy for the night when all the other humans I love have failed me, or like, when I have failed them?
2 are of the female race. They intrigue me. They have puzzle pieces that don’t easily fit into the full picture that is them. They keep me awake @ night wondering about them so. I love their colours.

The other is a male specimen. This one haunts my dreams occasionally. Once I dreamt that they were an unknown roommate living in a loft I had no idea was a part of my abode & above their sleeping quarters was an adorable sign that had the words “Carved of Flesh to Eat Your Young” hanging like those nooses I so adore on the game Hangman. He was reading, laying with his back to his pillow, a shadow & claw volume of sorts, & someone came into the apartment building trying to kill my beloved friend & I, & instead HE killed them with a Rabbitslayer (see 'Chaos War' article). When he was done he simply pointed to the adorable sign, smiled a smile of satisfaction & prophesy, & ascended his ladder to resume reading.

There was another dream where he knocked boots with one of my besties & I was jealous but arguing with my thought propelling self as to why I should be jealous because I was still married in my dream too. He was in a pre-existing state in this dream too, like how I imagine him to possibly be in his past. But I didn’t even know him in my past! It’s funny here too because I feel like some part of me knows some part of him, like a Children-of-the-Grave (see Never-Never Boys) typed thing?

Either way, one should feel so lucky that they partake of my daily reasoning so frequently. But in the swing of things I feel lucky to have them to think of. It’s strange & arduous.

I hate my cogs of reasoning. For keeping me imprisoned. For being far too creative for their own good. I am like the Victor Frankenstein of reasoning. These parts of me have no boundaries. That is a boon, I feel that with every fiber of my unbeing, but @ the same time, it disqualifies me from so much. It easily removes me from the sane category & puts me in the predisposition of ‘highly unplausible’.

Eff you Fates.

Valentine Weekend

For Valentine's Day I got:

• snow! Lots of it.
• Roses that cost 61 fat ones
• A coffee mug that came with those 61 dollar roses that stated it 'loved me'.
• New carpet in the living room & bedroom
• to see that Percy Jackson movie which was surprisingly entertaining
• 'The Breakfast of Champions' by Kurt Vonnegut in the mail (which I fucking adore the shit out of)
• A nice new clean & dustless bedroom in which I was able to sort through a lot of our olde shit so I could make room for our new shit
• Adorable homemade Valentine cards from my spawn

It seemed like there was other stuff I was going to mention, but whatever, I'm in a hurry because I have to brave the snow today for an appointment with my therapist.

But yeah, those roses didn't happen on purpose, I guess Snookms was tryna be all thoughtful by going to a florist & by the time he got out of there he about fainted from what they charged. He initially had hopes that he would get me flowers & then stop by Sprint to buy me a new case for my 'new' phone. But it stopped after 61 dollars came out for the total for a dozen roses & a sunflower. Kinda funny but yesterday he came home from work & was all, "So & so got his flowers from Kroger, THEY WERE 20 DOLLARS, & so did 'so & so' and 'so & so'....but guess what? They got a 20 dollar thank you too!"

This made me giggle alot alot because I took the initiative to go to 'Tasty's', an adult novelty store up the street to finagle around for some sexy lingerie to wear for Snookms on Valentine's Day. Or rather, NIGHT. But uh... yeah, I found what I had hoped, 2 separate sets which were hella pricey considering what they were made of. The 'picture' made the ensembles look like they were going to be made out of far more than just lace & strings, but when I got home & wrastled em on, it was basically spandex for dummiez. But Snookms liked it just fine & I didn't feel all objectified like I was thinking I might. It was pretty cool.

Here's a boobed covered version of one of the ensembles. Mine was tit-less:

The ladies there were really helpful & kind of hot? The chick that rang me up reminded me of some hardcore church lady that really knew her lore in sex toys. & the other I'm pretty sure was a 40 or 50 year old undercover Dominatrix. The store had this sort of shabby chic charm expect everything was lavished in black & red instead of pink & pastel green. There was an 'upstairs' that led to nothingness that I had to hold myself back from climbing upon on more than one occasion & most of the fellers that came in there turned right back around once they got to the back of the store. There was this 'Show Stealer' cock in the back that had me laughing out loud for it's enormity.

So yeah, I couldn't find any pics for the other ensemble, it was basically a dress made of fishnet, like a mini dress & came with a matching thong & the part that hold your boobs was made of this geisha looking red material & the boobs had no cover except for this black tie up ribbon. I looked alot better in it than I thought I would?

Also, yeah the carpets. Snookms took it upon himself to put them in this weekend, he worked so damn fast, got one room done in 2 hours & the other one in 1. The hardest part about it all was just moving all our shit out of the way. But it gave me an opportunity to move stuff around (one of my favourite things to do!) & dust & re-organize things. It looks really good.

Katie wrote a lovely review of my book "Lucifer's Scar; A Love Story" a while back & I wanted to link to it again here. I was really walking around on eggshells the whole time she read it because I knew she'd be honest if she didn't like it, (which I highly appreciate!) & she wound up enjoying it anyway. The review is really thorough & she got all the parts of the story I was trying to tell & by the end of me reading her review I was experiencing some hardcore, toe-curling delight.

I took the review of Adam Lowe's Trog Rose down that I wrote because he suggested I try submitting it for publication for a few online magz. So I am trying my hand @ that to see what comes of it. Adam is fantabulous. If I don't get any nibbles it'll be back here where I will pet it & love it & be proud to call it my own.

I had a really great 3 day weekend with the family & I miss having them around already. We sat around & attempted to watch 'Couples Retreat' last night & as boring as it was they actually stayed around & watched the whole thing. I was really surprised because I kept dosing off & only woke up in time to see Vince Vaugn owning ass on Guitar Hero. But it was a pretty huge yawn fest.

Welp, I'm off like a dirty shirt.

Hand Me the Mace of Gabriel & Nothing More!

Starting to get all them creepy international spam comments again, glad I've got comment moderation on. I just hope they don't start blasting my page with 50 of them a day & shit, like they did @ The Vampire Newspaper. Sheeeeeeeesh.

Let's see... Legion! Don't waste yer billz. I mean, if the story line would have just stole my story line from Lucifer's Scar, I would've been an insolent, yet happy camper. But it did not. The one liners were fucking embarrassing (almost as embarrassing as me?) & the female protags SUCKED. "Here, you take this little gun preggerz gurl, God Forbid you do anything B R A V E? I mean, Paul Bettany as Micheal/Michael (I always get them two mixed up!) was absolutely beautiful, don't get me wrong here. They couldn't have picked a better fellow for the role, but everyone/thing else fucked it all up. Except for Gabriel. & his MACE. & alluding to possible Michael/Gabriel lovinz. That would've been such a treat. But no. No. No. NO. There was also such potential with the Heavens & talk of going to war. But it failed. #FAIL.

Moon. Good movie. I liked it. I can't really say a whole lot about this movie because it would pretty much spoil the whole thing. It unfolds pretty quickly & then you are left toying around with Sam Rockwell imagery throughout the rest of the flick, which was a - ok! in my book. He's fucking beautiful. So is Kevin Spacey, even though he is just a 'voice' in this movie, but hey, I'll take it. Robo-Kevin! The atmosphere in the movie is very creepy/gorgeous too, you definately get a good feel of the isolation they are tryna impose, like in Metroid.

It's kind of funny here, & I just came to this realization a year or two ago, but I noticed that there is this distinct look Snookms has & when I see it in others male or female, I hone in on it quickstyle & feel automatically attracted to them just BECAUSE they resemble the Snookms' look. I would've never in a million years gave a shit about Sam Rockwell had he not reminded me of Snookms first. So I guess mostly I am attracted to potential Snookms Clones?

What else, what else!?

Been taking bubble baths everynight, courtesy of Leticia's recommendations. It's been a sanity saver for sure, I light candles, drink tea & bring my laptop so I can listen to my blipfmstation. I heart it alot-alot.

Today is Groundhog's Day & also my mom & dad's anniversary. I think it's 37 years today. Wow. It seems alot longer. They still fight like they're fucking newlyweds though. & make up like em too. Srsly.

Still tryna read up on the Shadow & Claw series. I'm @ the part where they are JUST starting to talk about this whole 'Abaia' thing. I am intrigued to the fullest extent, it is just so hard to squeeze in free time to read it so I take it to bed with me & fall asleep reading about sharp toothed mermaid thingamahoozits & dream of them in my own little urban mindwarp. Mermaids with oozis/ies?

Was taking a nice bubble bath last night & listening to Metallica's 'Call of Cthulhu', feeling inspired to write some more in Teenage Wasteland. That project has been put on the back burner for quite some time, I'm ready to dust it off again & get down to the nitty gritty. Mr. Ortiz has joined the FB wagon as of late so he can now monitor my progress more astutely! Not that that was the reason he joined of course, but, yeah, that's what I'm thinking about mostly. I'm such a twerp!

Just recently I got sort of 'best of' compilation of H.P. Lovecraft's works; can you believe this, but I've never read any of his shite til just recently? I was intrigued by the prose for a sample of the 'Call of Cthulhu' story & I'm like, "Fuck baby, where have you BEEN all my life?" I love it when you stumble/happen acrossed a thing like that & it just speaks to your innerds & makes them glow with toxic delight.

Well I have way more to babble about, but I have to get ready for my appointment with the therapist this afternoon. ONE DAY I'LL BE A THERAPIST TOO GODDAMMIT.