No! There is no hairstyle that can put you in the bad place!

The last time I posted was March 1st. It's the 19th today. I am losing my touch.

I have a Hefty bag of crap I can't bring myself to go through yet; it is filled with the contents of our beloved Kia (R.I.P.) that Snookms managed to salvage from the wreck I got in 2 weeks ago.

Wreck you say? You didn't know I got in a wreck? Why yes, I did. I sure fucking did. & it was all my doing, or undoing, I should say.

See, the Kia's a stick. Also, it's a 2001, so like, it was getting 'up there' in age I s'pose? Welp, it's been actin funny; funny meaning I have to keep 3 feet on the pedals at one time. It stalls. When it's in 5th gear it wants to act like it's in fucking first. For at least the first 5 or 10 minutes you drive it. After it warms up or whatever, it does fine. Just fine.

Stupid me took it upon one's self to throw this caution to the wind & go out anyway, took the kiddoes up to Starbux. The Kia never did start behaving itself. I left Starbux & we got on the rode, me tryna keep the car running by alternating cramming on the gas with one foot & the other busy pedaling around with the clutch & the brake pedal. I took the liberty of turning on my hazards seeing that I wasn't having any success in this. I was worried about the cars behind me getting all shitty because the car was driving so crappy.

Next thing you know I rear end some old Asian dude in front of me. Hard. So fucking hard it caused the Old Asian Dude's car to ram into the car in front of him.

Automatically I hear screaming. From my babies. They're screaming & crying & freaking the fuck out like any normal person would. My instincts kick in after I am done being dumbfounded by the impact & I look around to make sure none of my kids are hurt. None of them appear to be. I get out of the car & climb in the back seat to try to reach out to each of my kids & comfort them. They are not consoled. My oldest is yelling out, "Am I gonna die? Am I gonna die?!"

I get out my phone to try dialing 911, but fuck touchscreens. Never try to dial on one of those when you are in a panic.

I look over at my oldest, Jr., & he is bleeding profusely from the face. His nose is now swollen & looks like something that resembles the oldskool Phantom of the Opera. There is a bump the size of Antarctica forming on the bridge of his nose. I about faint.

Some innocent bystander takes it upon himself to take us under his wing. I grab the keys from the Kia & he helps me round up my kiddoes & lets them sit in his truck. Apparently he is like, an off duty firefighter or some shit? He knows all the lingo. Gets out a flashlight to look at Jr.s nose. His gums are swollen & bleeding to. He's still asking if he's going to die. My other two are appearing to be physically okay but they are still freaking out. The ambulance comes. Snookms comes. I follow the ambulance with my two kiddoes & meet Snookms & Jr. in the E.R. at Clarion West Hospital.

Jr. has a broken nose. & his frenum/frenulum is completely torn. All the fucking way. It's that thin piece of skin that connects your upper lip to your gums? His gums are all bruised the fuck up & his face has become heartbrakingly swollen.

We get out of the E.R. around 1 in the morning. The accident took place around 10:30 pm.

It's taken a week for Jr.'s face to go back to looking the way it used to be, but it's still going to look a 'little' different than before. There is a small bump on the bridge of his nose that will always be there, but he didn't have to get any surgery, so I'm thankful for that.

I've been hating on myself for about 2 weeks now, trying to come to terms with what lessons I should be taking away from this incident. It's been hard to enjoy my usual pleasures, as I have been denying myself many of them. I tried to act normal for the intarwebz because nobody likes to see that shit unfold online, but inside I was a fucking mess. I didn't talk to anyone, I retreated to that corner inside my world where self hate was the most pleasurable thing I could grant myself access to.

I'm slowly making my way out of that realm, but it hasn't been easy. On the surface everything seems better, & technically it is I guess? But there's a part of me on the inside that doesn't ever feel like it will be the same.

My other 2 spawn are still traumatized by it, as well as Jr., & I can't blame them one fucking bit.

If there were any lessons I needed to learn from this incident I want to make sure I am being made aware of them. I know it was an 'accident', but still. It just fucks with me.

I pushed alot of people away as a result of my retreating into my self hating indulgence, but I guess that's a test of who really loves you & who doesn't, cause the ones that still stuck by my side through all of my bullshit are still there.

So that's what's been up in my neck o' the woods for the past 2 weeks.

I went back to work with my sister in law Monday since all my kiddoes were able to go back to school. I hated every fucking minute of it. The only thing that kept me going was knowing I was going to have a day off the next day to get myself back together. I even wound up calling off the appt. with my therapist because I just needed to be alone with myself for the day. It was refreshing but I was still going crazy on the inside.

I finally had a meltdown all over Snookms. He tried to do the tough love thing on me at first but I don't do well with the tough love thing from Snookms. Maybe it worked when my mom did it to me, but with Snookms it's a different story. Through it all though he was a trooper & by the next day I was starting to feel some semblance of optimality? I don't like to throw the term 'normal' around so loosely any more, because what the fuck is the norm? It is different for everybody.

So I went back to work still not wanting to go, but whaddoya know, Thursday was a beautiful day. 3 of us got 3 houses done at a rate of less than an hour for each house & even had time to dine @ the quaint little pizzeria they have in the town of Zionsville. They have pepperoni stuffed breadsticks that are just to die for. I dream about them sometimes.

We had time to spare after that so we all went our separate ways & I got home in time to enjoy a half hour to myself before picking up my spawn. I spent it trying to finish off the 1st tier in MandyLand of Vampire Wars. It was just nice to worry about nothing for a little while.

Wound up watching Ninja Assasin with Fezziwig, she-spawn watched some parts, it was a little too violent for her. She & I are now on the Raizo bandwagon. She has a thing for long haired Asian dudes? Mostly I blame that on my brother Erin (aka Malakai) because that's basically what he is & she-spawn developed an innocent crush on him during her early years of development. He was living with us then, & heck, he is one dashing young elf prince, so who could blame her?

Also got to watch Invention of Lying which was thoroughly amusing. Hearing Jennifer Garner talk unapologetically about masturbating was just ... ENTERTAINING.

Later that night after all the spawn were put to bed I found Loudquietloud on IFC & watched it. I was feeling so good by then, so free. Like everything really might be okay after all. I have a serious obsession going on with Black Francis. He totally reminds me of my possible new Dungeon Master, Robbie. He knows how to command an audience & yet remain himself in many facets. So sarcastically & romantically charming.

I was in a talkative mood while Snookms was cleaning his firearms, so I spilled the beans on another writing project I am cooking up in my head while we were watching Loudquietloud. The story I've been cooking up is a futuristic sci-fi, kind of following after the nature of Southland Tales. Scientists have discovered a way to hack into the brain matter of animals & realize their capacity to hold information; their brains are basically supermemorymachina, & seeing as there was a recent uncovering of incidents leading to the opinionated & scientific conclusion that all things electric have been directly related to Revelations taking place.('cept in this story I think I'm going to refer to The Revelations instead as The Inevitable.) So you get all these puppies & kittehs & llamas hooked up to the Urth, instead of computarz. The Gov't wants to eventually incorporate all fauna to integrate with the heart & core of Urth in order to avoid The Inevitable.

But ... I dunno. We'll see. I have tons of pages of notes & character names & so forth. Neptune DoLittle & Robertsm Ith. A play on words is alot of it. See if you can see!

Tonight the fam & I are s'posed to see the long awaited ' Diary of a Wimpy Kid ' flick. I am in serious ExciteBike mode about this, I can't stop thinking about it & also I get to grab some Starbux w/ Mysty around 4:30 this afternoon. It's been far too long baby.

So that is all for now...

My reality is way better than everyone elses!

So much to talk about!

Well first I'll start with 'The Box' since that is what is on my mind most.

Decided to watch this with my spawn yesterday, ordered it On Demand since I have that luxury with Comcast. I went against what my mom, dad & brother Eric said about it; none of them liked it.

Well, I DID!

But I guess that is to be expected since I am a fan of Richard Kelly's works. You've got Donnie Darko which has become a cult classic, then of course Southland Tales, which, I dunno how much of a fanbase has gathered from that, but the few people I do know that dig Southland Tales are A-O.K.! in my book as far as taste goes.

I think the biggest problem with Richard Kelly movies is the way they are marketed. They are tryna appeal to a demographic in which doesn't really care about most of what Richard Kelly seems to want to tell in a story. If you read the back of a Donnie Darko dvd, you are deceived by descriptions, as they compare it to Sixth Sense. With Southland Tales, they attempt to pull audience in with Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson! & then of course with 'The Box' they make it look like some reality show that focuses on some cookie cutter couple making a heartfelt decision on whether they get their money or decide to kill a family.

With Kelly it's all in the details. Whether or not the family chooses the money or not is as much an aside as everything else they try to falsely convey in those ridiculous previews.

This movie blew me away with it's story telling. The beautiful details. Oh, how I want to get my grubby little paws on 'The Lightning Book'. & now I realize I am not the only one who fantasizes about comparing science fiction to magical happenstances & such.

When you watch this movie you don't get a happy little couple who has made a concious decision to do what you hope & think is right. You get reality of what most anyone would do in a situation, & you get consequence. Even the minute details of that consequence, almost to a schizophrenic degree. & I love it.

Enter a mysterious man, who is a salesman of sorts, going door to door to offer a once in a lifetime opportunity. Enter a well to do couple that has gone through what any enduring couple has gone through to keep a family financially secure. Enter a whole fucking world behind all of that & you get Arlington Steward, a man who lost half of his face to being struck by lightning, & is now being imbued with the ability to communicate with "those who control the lightning".

Use mid 1970's as a timeline, retro era mingled with some NASA sass as a backdrop, & you have a recipe for magical success in my book.

There is even a hint of what I deem hobo-alchemy may be in this story, sprinkled gracefully all throughout. O', how it maketh me swoon!

So there that is.

This was all yesterday. After the movie was over my spawn talked me into playing Monopoly, but I agreed only because it was Spongebob Monopoly. I folded after realizing my she-spawn was going to hafta sell her goods on 10th street just to pay rent for landing on Tentacle Acres with 4 pineapples & a Krusty Krab shack. The total came out to like, wut? $1, 700 fat ones? She had less than 200 dollhairz to her name so I was like, "Awww! NeverMIND!" Then of course she folded, & David came out the victor. I knew there was trouble when he still had both his 500 bills at this point & then some. Fucking bankers & their goddamned accountability & whatnot!

Rewind back to Friday, just a couple days before. I managed to talk Snookms into taking the spawn & I to see 'Shutter Island'. My baby bro got to make it out with us too, so that was a big plus.

I don't know if it was because I was so damned tired already (we made it to the 10:00 pm showing!) or wut but I just didn't have the typical visceral reaction I do to a movie like this. I went in with my own expectations, halfheartedly acknowledging that they wouldn't be met, but you know what? They were ALL met pretty much. & I was just so zombehfide I guess that I didn't get all 'woo-hoo! score one for me & my prophesies!' ... though I really would have liked to... We didn't get outta that Metropolis til damn near 1 in the morning. But yeah, if you are going to be doing a pyschological 'thriller' that makes me happy, this movie is a prime example of how it should be done. The whole "I reject your reality & substitute my own" theory here is prominent all throughout. Which I am a huge advocator of, cause like, I am straight up sick in the head, y'know? So yeah, another good flick to watch when you ain't tired I s'pose?

Saturday was a lazy day for me, didn't get outta my pj's once! It was a good day. I am sad though because I finished Kurt Vonnegut's 'Breakfast of Champions' & that book had me looking forward to being bored cause it was such a great read. It touched very many surfaces of myself I didn't think I'd ever have the words to express. Kurt Vonnegut has such a talent for doing that so fiercely & graciously. It had me a' heavin' & a hoe'in so much! I think Richard Kelly could do an immaculate job of making that one into a movie, I AM TELLING YEW! I am okay with this though because I can now go resume reading Mordicai's 'Watchtower Gothic'. I am in love with this Blondie character, she uses curse words SO APPROPRIATELY!

My other brother Eric showed up later Saturday evening & he & his daughter wound up spending the night. We stayed up late eating junk foodz, talking about our Seattle days growing up, with Totally Insane & RBL Posse as our soundtrack for the night. A little 'Trigga Gotz No Heart' didn't hurt one bit either.

One last thing that I am pretty jazzed about is that the interview Betsy Dornbusch (aka SexScenes at Starbucks) invited me to do is up @ Electric Spec for those of you that wanna take a peek at.

I was thrilled to have the opportunity to do this interview with her because of the book it was in regard to, Quencher. It's erotica, it's got vamps & it's got muff diving. ALL OF THOSE THINGS HAVE MY NAME ON IT. Now go forth!