The last time I posted was March 1st. It's the 19th today. I am losing my touch.
I have a Hefty bag of crap I can't bring myself to go through yet; it is filled with the contents of our beloved Kia (R.I.P.) that Snookms managed to salvage from the wreck I got in 2 weeks ago.
Wreck you say? You didn't know I got in a wreck? Why yes, I did. I sure fucking did. & it was all my doing, or undoing, I should say.
See, the Kia's a stick. Also, it's a 2001, so like, it was getting 'up there' in age I s'pose? Welp, it's been actin funny; funny meaning I have to keep 3 feet on the pedals at one time. It stalls. When it's in 5th gear it wants to act like it's in fucking first. For at least the first 5 or 10 minutes you drive it. After it warms up or whatever, it does fine. Just fine.
Stupid me took it upon one's self to throw this caution to the wind & go out anyway, took the kiddoes up to Starbux. The Kia never did start behaving itself. I left Starbux & we got on the rode, me tryna keep the car running by alternating cramming on the gas with one foot & the other busy pedaling around with the clutch & the brake pedal. I took the liberty of turning on my hazards seeing that I wasn't having any success in this. I was worried about the cars behind me getting all shitty because the car was driving so crappy.
Next thing you know I rear end some old Asian dude in front of me. Hard. So fucking hard it caused the Old Asian Dude's car to ram into the car in front of him.
Automatically I hear screaming. From my babies. They're screaming & crying & freaking the fuck out like any normal person would. My instincts kick in after I am done being dumbfounded by the impact & I look around to make sure none of my kids are hurt. None of them appear to be. I get out of the car & climb in the back seat to try to reach out to each of my kids & comfort them. They are not consoled. My oldest is yelling out, "Am I gonna die? Am I gonna die?!"
I get out my phone to try dialing 911, but fuck touchscreens. Never try to dial on one of those when you are in a panic.
I look over at my oldest, Jr., & he is bleeding profusely from the face. His nose is now swollen & looks like something that resembles the oldskool Phantom of the Opera. There is a bump the size of Antarctica forming on the bridge of his nose. I about faint.
Some innocent bystander takes it upon himself to take us under his wing. I grab the keys from the Kia & he helps me round up my kiddoes & lets them sit in his truck. Apparently he is like, an off duty firefighter or some shit? He knows all the lingo. Gets out a flashlight to look at Jr.s nose. His gums are swollen & bleeding to. He's still asking if he's going to die. My other two are appearing to be physically okay but they are still freaking out. The ambulance comes. Snookms comes. I follow the ambulance with my two kiddoes & meet Snookms & Jr. in the E.R. at Clarion West Hospital.
Jr. has a broken nose. & his frenum/frenulum is completely torn. All the fucking way. It's that thin piece of skin that connects your upper lip to your gums? His gums are all bruised the fuck up & his face has become heartbrakingly swollen.
We get out of the E.R. around 1 in the morning. The accident took place around 10:30 pm.
It's taken a week for Jr.'s face to go back to looking the way it used to be, but it's still going to look a 'little' different than before. There is a small bump on the bridge of his nose that will always be there, but he didn't have to get any surgery, so I'm thankful for that.
I've been hating on myself for about 2 weeks now, trying to come to terms with what lessons I should be taking away from this incident. It's been hard to enjoy my usual pleasures, as I have been denying myself many of them. I tried to act normal for the intarwebz because nobody likes to see that shit unfold online, but inside I was a fucking mess. I didn't talk to anyone, I retreated to that corner inside my world where self hate was the most pleasurable thing I could grant myself access to.
I'm slowly making my way out of that realm, but it hasn't been easy. On the surface everything seems better, & technically it is I guess? But there's a part of me on the inside that doesn't ever feel like it will be the same.
My other 2 spawn are still traumatized by it, as well as Jr., & I can't blame them one fucking bit.
If there were any lessons I needed to learn from this incident I want to make sure I am being made aware of them. I know it was an 'accident', but still. It just fucks with me.
I pushed alot of people away as a result of my retreating into my self hating indulgence, but I guess that's a test of who really loves you & who doesn't, cause the ones that still stuck by my side through all of my bullshit are still there.
So that's what's been up in my neck o' the woods for the past 2 weeks.
I went back to work with my sister in law Monday since all my kiddoes were able to go back to school. I hated every fucking minute of it. The only thing that kept me going was knowing I was going to have a day off the next day to get myself back together. I even wound up calling off the appt. with my therapist because I just needed to be alone with myself for the day. It was refreshing but I was still going crazy on the inside.
I finally had a meltdown all over Snookms. He tried to do the tough love thing on me at first but I don't do well with the tough love thing from Snookms. Maybe it worked when my mom did it to me, but with Snookms it's a different story. Through it all though he was a trooper & by the next day I was starting to feel some semblance of optimality? I don't like to throw the term 'normal' around so loosely any more, because what the fuck is the norm? It is different for everybody.
So I went back to work still not wanting to go, but whaddoya know, Thursday was a beautiful day. 3 of us got 3 houses done at a rate of less than an hour for each house & even had time to dine @ the quaint little pizzeria they have in the town of Zionsville. They have pepperoni stuffed breadsticks that are just to die for. I dream about them sometimes.
We had time to spare after that so we all went our separate ways & I got home in time to enjoy a half hour to myself before picking up my spawn. I spent it trying to finish off the 1st tier in MandyLand of Vampire Wars. It was just nice to worry about nothing for a little while.
Wound up watching Ninja Assasin with Fezziwig, she-spawn watched some parts, it was a little too violent for her. She & I are now on the Raizo bandwagon. She has a thing for long haired Asian dudes? Mostly I blame that on my brother Erin (aka Malakai) because that's basically what he is & she-spawn developed an innocent crush on him during her early years of development. He was living with us then, & heck, he is one dashing young elf prince, so who could blame her?
Also got to watch Invention of Lying which was thoroughly amusing. Hearing Jennifer Garner talk unapologetically about masturbating was just ... ENTERTAINING.
Later that night after all the spawn were put to bed I found Loudquietloud on IFC & watched it. I was feeling so good by then, so free. Like everything really might be okay after all. I have a serious obsession going on with Black Francis. He totally reminds me of my possible new Dungeon Master, Robbie. He knows how to command an audience & yet remain himself in many facets. So sarcastically & romantically charming.
I was in a talkative mood while Snookms was cleaning his firearms, so I spilled the beans on another writing project I am cooking up in my head while we were watching Loudquietloud. The story I've been cooking up is a futuristic sci-fi, kind of following after the nature of Southland Tales. Scientists have discovered a way to hack into the brain matter of animals & realize their capacity to hold information; their brains are basically supermemorymachina, & seeing as there was a recent uncovering of incidents leading to the opinionated & scientific conclusion that all things electric have been directly related to Revelations taking place.('cept in this story I think I'm going to refer to The Revelations instead as The Inevitable.) So you get all these puppies & kittehs & llamas hooked up to the Urth, instead of computarz. The Gov't wants to eventually incorporate all fauna to integrate with the heart & core of Urth in order to avoid The Inevitable.
But ... I dunno. We'll see. I have tons of pages of notes & character names & so forth. Neptune DoLittle & Robertsm Ith. A play on words is alot of it. See if you can see!
Tonight the fam & I are s'posed to see the long awaited ' Diary of a Wimpy Kid ' flick. I am in serious ExciteBike mode about this, I can't stop thinking about it & also I get to grab some Starbux w/ Mysty around 4:30 this afternoon. It's been far too long baby.
So that is all for now...