currently listening to: i only have eyes for you
currently watching: i am speed muthafucka
i found a new favourite blog to read, but unfortunately it looks as if she doesn't post on a daily basis. it has also made me realize a couple of things reading into about the fourth or fifth post she wrote...
i've lost my funny. it's been about 3 years since i started taking st. johns wort & the omega 3's. it's been another two since i've elected to start doing some serious healing on a regular basis. i realize this has all come for the better, but i miss my highs. it sounds so goddamn cliche, but being bi-polar, you come to miss them. like maybe the way a drug addict craves the feeling of being doped up? i had "highs" occurring on tha regular before i got all balanced out. i desired to laugh, & go to any & all costs to make others laugh as well. not so with this newfound balance that has been restored in my life. for a second there i wanted to mourn this loss, but i sat on the porch in my front yard after reading "Checking the Electrical Box" to sneak a smoke & further ponder my emotions about all of this. i'll readily admit, i am happier now than i have ever been in my life. i guess i didn't need my manic ups & downs to keep me as sane as i thought i needed to be. peace of mind has outweighed the need to laugh at someone else's expense (including my own, which was usually my favourite way to spend funny points?) but i don't miss the lows. nobody ever does. i mean sure, i'm a sadomasochist by nature, but i could only take so much of beating myself up the next day for all the stupid risks i took in the name of sustaining a high that had evaporated long before i realized i could even sustain them in the first place.
another realization that occurred to me: i miss writing. a lot. writing about nothing. writing just for the fun of it. i don't do much of that now because the creative spark doesn't catch flame nearly as much as it used to when i was less balanced. but, once again, i am happy. i had this inherent fear when i first agreed to start taking herbal supplements that i'd zone out & conform. the fear lessened as each day went by because i was just tired of being on edge all the goddamn time. even though i might have appeared cool, calm, & collected on the exterior, i was a madhouse inside of my head about 90 percent of the time. the other 10 percent belonged to me in the bathroom on my knees crying my eyes out. i second, third, & fourth guessed every thought that came into my mind, and couldn't ever find a way to throw a wrench in the spokes so that i could slow the fuck down. & when the likelihood of that did occur, there you had it; me an emotional shutdown of self loathing. trust me, what i have now is way better. it takes more for me to experience the highs, but i'd trade that any day for the manic-depressive bullshit i was treading through.
on a lighter note, i'm staying fit these days! katie had been keeping track of herself via myfitnesspal for some time, & i had started an account there way back, but got off track. all her progress (as well as snookms getting buffer n shit) inspired me to get back on the bandwagon. i've been keeping track of my calorie intake as well as exercise & calories burned for 50 days in a row now. it feels great. i get off track every once in a while, but i don't beat myself up over it. i just use it as a learning experience for the next possible circumstance & get back to where i was. it's nice to get on the exercise bike & do 10 miles a day like it's nothing. it's also nice not to feel overly stuffed with food constantly. counting calories has taught me the importance of paying attention to serving sizes. & of course when you start dieting, you will automatically assume that you have to starve yourself to lose weight, but not so. you might hafto go hungry an hour or two, or get used to your belly not feeling stuffed, but you can still eat & enjoy what you eat. just in moderation. so far i've lost *-edit-14* pounds. i've gained a couple pounds back & then lost them in 2 separate occasions, but i'm noticing this takes place when my period is on the prowl. so it could be water weight gain, or it could be that i just don't give a fuck around that time of the month so i stuff my face with salty stuff then chase it down with chocolate. but again, there has been so many benefits to this life style change because i can't handle the effects of overeating the way i used to. & i am always down for a good trek in the woods or bike ride through the neighborhood. so yay me?
some really sad stuff happened over the weekend, but i'm not one to talk about all that. it's really nobody else's business & it'll just get me sad talking about it again, but i'll just say that a funeral for a firefighter is no fucking joke. there is so much ceremonial tradition, care, & respect put into such a thing. i really had no idea what all that was about until this took place. it really brought tears to my eyes. tragedy abounds, & you only live once. if anything this week has taught me the true importance of living each moment to its fullest.
take that, you inefficient text analysis internet generator thingamahoozit.
