yang's happy // yang's excited

current mood:

currently listening to: bonfire -childish gambino

currently reading: punktown -jeffrey thomas

1.) comeback kid -sleigh bells

2.) heartbeats -the knife

3.) it took the night to believe -sunn o)))

4.) i luv the valley oh -xiu xiu

5.) heartbeat -childish gambino

6.) eutow -autuchre

7.) pap smear -crystal castles

8.) ceremony -xiu xiu

9.) black lodge -anthrax

10.) serve the servants -nirvana

11.) bonfire -childish gambino

12.) needle in the hay -elliot smith

13.) twin peaks theme -angelo badalamenti

14.) don't want to know if you are lonely -husker du

15.) souvlaki space station -slowdive

16.) white hinterland -icarus

8 miles high

current mood:

currently listening to: don't want to know if you are lonely -husker du

currently watching: the descent

okay, i am seriously not trying to freak the fuck out here. i'm biting my nails in paranoid anticipation. i just submitted a term paper i wrote for my interpersonal communication class to be possibly published as an academic journal. my professor for the class sent me an email saying that the atrium is a place for faculty to submit work, but felt that i was already a part of their community, that my work was worth highlighting & said that i would go far. I AM BLARING HUSKER DU & TRYING NOT TO HAVE A HEART ATTACK OVER THE EXCITEMENT OF ALL THIS SHIT

i have no one to talk about all this to right now so here's my next best bet.

also, i went downtown on wednesday to meet up with the director of the honors program for liberal arts & she wants me to join. i would have to change the direction of the degree i am currently pursuing, but this might actually be okay with me because i originally wanted to aim for liberal arts, but got talked out of it at the last minute. so, i don't know. i'm just freaking out a little right now because it all seems like so much to take in, & i don't have anyone to talk to since snookms is at work.

in other news, tomorrow/tomarrow snookms, the spawn, & i are going to see hunger games. then i'll be heading to mysty's for ghoul's night in/slumber party to watch horror movies with a bunch of fellow mysty worshippers, and to have pillow fights, paint each other's nails & crank filthy doom metal.

oh! & my psychology teacher said "fuck" today & that made me fall for her. here i was thinking i couldn't hang with her neurosis, because of my own baggage that i already carry around for myself, & then her chaos ensued today in such a way that many of my parts live vicariously through. she talked about living on a reservation for 3 years & how she knew exactly what profession she wanted to pursue the second she met her psychology professor because she came to class with her dogs on a leash & muddy boots, not giving a fuck what anyone thought. i dunno. just seeing her be so passionate today, instead of the default "rigid" mechanism she typically sets in to. it... did something to me. affected my perspective, i s'pose.

i love knowing the details, you guys. details about everyone & every thing. there are no words to describe how much i thrive on this kind of information about an individual. from then on, you become my cognitive play thing. YOU HAVE NO IDEA

TTFN

haunt me

current mood: so many sexual thoughts

currently listening to: haunt me -arab strap

currently watching: it's kind of a funny story

it's been really easy to feel things lately. to like, have emotions that are intense. i've been feeling more irritability, more joy, & more sadness, than i have in a long time. i conditioned myself over time to not let those emotions get the best of me, because they had for so many years of my life, & i really wanted to stop making an ass of myself.

NEWSFLASH RACHEL: YOU STILL ARE GREAT AT MAKING AN ASS OUT OF YOURSELF

i dunno tho. i don't even care anymore honestly. i'm getting too old for facades. let me eat my protein bar & drink my stevia-seasoned coffee with almond milk & be on my merry way. WHATEVER.

i thought that maybe going to school & pursuing a degree in something i had always hoped & dreamed of doing would take some of the fire out of my heart. & it did for a while, but it didn't extinguish the hatred permanently like i thought & hoped it would. i think the only hope i have for myself is accepting that it exists in me & to know when i need to allow it to be my driving force, & when it needs to take a backseat & allow my Utopian like tendencies to take the reigns. but like, i dunno, hasn't my hatred always been part of my idealistic future? i guess i allowed myself to think unrealistically about this part of myself, as if it was okay to just abandon it & pretend that it didn't exist. if i recall correctly, that's what got me in the mess i was in the first place. in my Utopia, IT IS GREAT TO HATE <3

i've been getting butthurt by so many things lately tho, & it's been really hard to let go & move on. burying myself in my studies has helped a lot, & going on the occasional tumblr binge & purge, but then there's these quiet moments where the voices come alive & i'm ready to fight to the death.

also, i'm sincerely grappling with the concept of becoming a mitigation specialist. it just recently occurred to me that i could be happy pursuing that kind of an occupation. sociology has bewitched me, body & soul you guys.