currently listening to: day of the lords -joy division
the clouds float by
i remember as a child, seeing this scene for the first time & being paralyzed with the emotion of having finally identified the physical aspect of my relationship with myself. i hated my physical being so much so, that, i would seek revenge upon it when my emotions betrayed me. in conditioning myself to become numb, any emotion was sought out, entrapped, & destroyed. this was nearly an everyday process of the continued self-slaughter of my innocence.
i had no idea that my innocence would be the last one standing, the ultimate survivor, the ... "glorious victor" that would stand the test of time.
i can't help but bite my lip in anguished sorrow & lamentation when i see this scene now, as an adult. it hurt so fucking much to kill my insides. i have to sometimes excuse myself for the sake of hiding away my inability to overcome my grief.
i know better now, & i suppose that is all that matters in the end.