Saturday, October 25, 2008

Midnight ramblings of a mad woman....

I was reading Ghost World in the spawn's room earlier, trying to keep busy while Carmen fell asleep in her bed, me sprawled out the floor, having the zombie edition of Degrassi playing in the backround as white noise. A find uncovered at the new Half Price Bookstore they just recently opened up down the road in Avon, for, of course, "half price". I was more than thrilled to have the chance to read a booked version of the movie Ghost World, which I still adore to this day and beat myself over the head for not buying yet.

I hastily decided Thursday afternoon that it would probably be nice for the 4 of us (Snookms was still at work) to get out of the house for awhile, and while I've had the opportunity to visit HP for myself, that the kiddos haven't. And I also quickly remember the Dunkin Donuts that was recently opened in front of the bookstore, so it was even more of a reason to just "go" and get the hell outta dodge for a few.

So that's what we did, and I managed to find Ghost World for less than 5 bucks in the Graphic Novel section. I finally decided to get a start on it tonight when "Tha Jr." comes stumbling into the "spawn" room shortly after, half asleep, ready to crash for the night. David's still wide awake in the living room with his dad watching Richard Pryor and Jackie Gleason act a genious fool in The Toy. David's laughing his ass off throughout the whole movie.

I'm really re-engaging myself into Ghost World, falling in love with Enid's character all over again, when the Jr. starts coughing up a lung in his sleep. He's had a bit of a cough off and on since Fall Break started, and I've been somewhat concerned, as he's had pneumonia in the past, so I'm kicking myself in the ass for not making an appt. for him sooner this week to be seen at Riley. (Just so the doctor can get a listen to his lungs, make sure there's no fluid building up in there.) So I'm going to have to do this first thing Monday morning, I pound into my head condescendingly. He should be okay throughout the weekend, but if not, I can always take him to the E.R, is what I tell myself.

I hate the thought of dragging any of my kids to the E.R., but it's nice to know it can be used as a last resort.

But anyway, Jr. wakes up coughing and says, "I need cough medicine, or this will keep me up all night". He says it just like that. I marvel at this boy's simple yet ingenious verbal ability.

So I put my book down, "comic", whatever you wanna call it, and head up to the gas station to get him some Robitussin, ASAP. I decide to treat myself to some fresh nachos while I'm there, hoping to entice Mike Sr. into waking back up (he fell asleep on the couch shortly after he and David began watching The Toy) and eating them with me once I got the coughing agenda situated and David in bed for the night.

No such luck when I get home though. Everyone is out like a light, and it's 1:30 in the am at this point. So I administer proper dosages of Robitussin to "those 12 and under", and kiss him and David goodnight. I walk out to the living room, realizing just how quiet and peaceful everything is in this particular moment, replaying the week's events over in my head like a movie projector, resembling something to the effect of American Beauty:

Some of the moments heavenly, others not so heavenly, some mediocre, others chalked up to grandiose notion. I breathe in the moment like a deep rich aroma, praying for it's place in time and space to be forever bookmarked in the travels of my mind, to later relive when hard times are like foes, assailants, attacking at your every, wishing nothing short of your demise and destruction. Small moments captured in wavelengths of emotion and memory can serve as saviours, precious life-givers, energy replenishers, for the dark and dreary battles forged ahead.

Right now it's 3:00 in the morning and I'm as wide awake as I'll ever be, loving quiet moments of clarity like this one.....

All is right with the world.

I feel no one is hating me, I've angered no one. I have clean pajamas and a full belly. None of the spawn went to bed crying. I have Ghost World to look forward to reading when I'm done blogging about nothing, a beautiful mom and dad that love me for me, as well as a gorgeous sleeping Snookms laying beautifully on the couch behind me.

He looks as though he's been chiseled from gold, with his beautiful deity-like features. His eyes are so gentle as he slumbers away. His face resembles that of a child again, wrinkle-free from the adulthood chaos of worry, and doubt. The sound of his breathing is both relaxed, as well as relaxing to me.

I have Wednesday night to look forward to as well, Mysty, Carmen and I are going to try to see "A Nightmare Before Christmas" in 3-D at Rave in Metropolis,(Mysty's not seen it before!) so I think that will just be grand, grand, GRAND.

Earlier this evening the "fam" and I were going for a drive, sort of undecided on what to do for the night. We finally settled on going to McDonald's after driving downtown for about 45 minutes, and possibly going to the pumpkin patch tomarrow (weather permitting). The song "Hold Me Now" by the Thompson Twins comes on the radio as we're driving down Rockville Rd., and I get the same huge pang in my heart that I used to always get when I listened to it as a kid. I always have some sort of a special introduction to each song that happens to come on the radio that I enjoy. Something like "I love this song. This song used to make me "whatever" when I was a kid". Or "Hey, I remember this song, I used to "blah-blah-blah" when this song came out."

Well, for this song I distinctly remember feeling a great sadness in it's eloquent form.

It did use to make me cry.

So that's what I said out loud.....

And then I sit back quietly, listening to the lyrics sang, remembering exactly why it made my heart ache at such a young and tender age.

I was pretty young. I wanna say first or second grade, but I think it was more like 3rd or 4th. I remember sitting on my bed, my head slumped over in resignation, resting my head in my hands, elbows pressed down into my thighs, hearing this song more in my heart than anywear else in my body.

.....I was singing it to my dad.

My heart was.

I loved him so much, but I felt so fucking far away from him. It was like literally seeing him in a prison made of glass walls. I could reach out and pretend to touch him, have a relationship with him, but the fact of the matter, was that he just wasn't "there" at times. When he was "there" it was like Christmas, Halloween, and Easter all wrapped up in one. When he was "unavailable", these are the words that would hang heavily in my heart.....(A scenario in our relationship that I later would find all too familiar in the one I currently share with my Snookms as well.)

"Hold Me Now"

By The Thompson Twins

I have a picture,
Pinned to my wall.....
An image of you and of me and we're laughing.
We're loving it all

But look at our life now,
We're tattered and torn.
We're fussing and fighting, delighting with tears
That we cry until dawn

Hold me now

Warm my heart

Stay with me

Let loving start
Let loving start

You say I'm a dreamer....
We're two of a kind.
Both of us searching for some perfect world,
We know we'll never find.

So perhaps I should leave here?
Yeah, go far away....
But you know that there's nowhere that I'd rather be
Than with you here today.

Hold me now

Warm my heart

Stay with me

Let loving start
Let loving start

Oh hold me now

Warm my heart

Stay with me

Let loving start
Let loving start

You ask if I love you....
What can I say?
You know that I do and that this is just one
of those games that we play.

So I sing you a new song,
please don't cry any more!
And I'd ask your forgiveness though I don't know just
what I'm asking it for...

Hold me now

Warm my heart

Stay with me

Let loving start
Let loving start...

So I sit back, tears running silently down my cheeks, resting my head against the cold hard glass of the window of our car, remembering, and being happy about remembering, knowing full well that I have the opportunity to share this moment in my life with ALL the different facets of myself.

To not feel ashamed or afraid about this, or wrong, or convicted.

It's like what Zach Braff's character tells his father in "Garden State" at the end, when he's explaining to his dad that everything's gonna be okay.....

He takes his hand, places it on his father's chest, and tells him gently, "I need you to be okay with me feeling. Whether it's bad or mad or sad, I just need you to be okay with it. And then everything'll be alright. You and I will be alright."

Maybe I don't have all the words just right, but I know what was in the heart of this moment, and that's what I wanted to share....

For now.

I love you dad. So much.


Jess said...

Thanks! It was a good distraction.

My night out was great...

Did your dad die recently?

Jess said...

I hear's a heartbreak. I've known people with bipolarity and they've only hurt me. I've tried.

Big Neil Gaiman fan!

Ewoh Nairb said...

Had a good cry myself the other night over missing my father. Thanks for the great post.

Realmcovet said...

Good cries are much needed, are they not? Chicken Soup for the soul, I guess that's why they needed to make a book all about it. :)