Thursday, October 9, 2008

"Things to do when your husband is asleep pt. 1"

1. Paint toenails and fingernails lavishly with deep red nailpolish a few hours before he has to go to work. That way, he doesn't have time to remove such blasephemies...and if you're REALLY good, he won't even notice until he gets to work and all his co-workers are like "Dude, what the hell is on your hands??"....

2. Immerse face and body fully in Badtz Maru stickerage. Fun for the kids too.

3. Make the bed while husband still in it. Cute, clean, and comfy....all 3 birds in one stone.

4. Get out a couple of his old, holy underwear (no NOT the underwear with buddy Christ on em, the ones with lots of holes, you gonad) will need a permanent marker for this, and be armed with this one notion.....

-Men will never throw their underwear away, no matter how carnaged the soul.

With permanant marker in hand, draw a caterpillar....then write "The Very Hungry Caterpiller" at the top. Write one for each day of the week, if you like....(yes there will be that many pairs of holy underwear in your husband's drawer, I shit you not) You can write, "on Monday, the caterpiller ate through one pair of underwear, but he was still hungry".....and so on, and so forth.

Color if desired.

5. Snuggle with him and smell his neck and have conversations with him. Great for when you're really lonely. He'll have a maddened look in his eyes if he ever comes to. That's when you take a picture....

6. You could fart in his face, but that's too easy, and personally, not for me....or Mike. Think about it, you're going to have to kiss that later. Who wants to kiss their own ass, after having to kiss so much of everyone else's all day long?

7. Move the room around while he's on the couch. He won't notice anything until he's woken up, and realizes that he's on the other side of the room, by the sliding door, instead of the far right wall....He'll wake up and say "What the??" Then he'll go right back to sleep.

8. Paint your living room, while he's still on the couch. Use the couch as your step-ladder. Fall on him, with paint roller still in hand, and then fall again on his acoustic guitar. If he wakes up, add ten points. If he doesn't, deduct. (make sure it's 3 in the morning when re-creating this event in your own household)

9. Write poetry targeting his mental psyche.

10. Wonder if he does the same in regards to self.

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