Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Man oh man!

I'm still kinda recovering from my anger last night!! I spent a good hour writing this long ass descriptive blog about all the awesome things that are happening in my life right now, and when I hit submit, the fucking internets had signed me out (I guess cause I had been taking so long?) and then it erased all my shit!! Just like that, really. Gone with the fucking wind!

But I'll get over it. I guess all I really wanted to say is THANK YOU SO MUCH EVERYBODY. For all your support and love and encouragement. If it wasn't for every last one of you all's kind words I would have done gave up by now.

Weeeeell. Saturday? No, wait. Sunday. Yeah, Sunday. I call my mom and dad to see what they wanted from the night before, they had called and I was asleep, so I was just returning their call.

Me: Hello? Mom? Did I wake you?
Mom: Yeah.
Me: Oh. I'm sorry. I'll call you back later. I was returning your call from last night.
Mom: Hang on. *lots of shuffling, and a back and forth whispered conversation* You give it to her. NO I want YOU to. No, YOU!*
Me: Um hello?
Renegade Wizard: He-llo.
Me: Hey dad. What's going on?
Renegade Wizard: Not much. Just sitting around watching t.v.
Me: Oh. Well I was just calling you guys back from last night. David says you called.
Renegade Wizard: Yeah. Your mom and I are giving you her laptop as an early birthday present. She got a new one as an early birthday present, so this one is all ready to go for you.
Me: silence.....Are you serious?
Renegade Wizard: Yep. Come pick it up whenever you're ready.

So that's what I did. I was in a daze, cause I just couldn't fucking believe it was as simple as that. I've been waiting my whole life for a laptop, pretty much giving up on the idea that it was ever going to happen, and then one falls in my fucking lap.

I get to my mom and dad's house, and sure enough, my mom's got her new laptop, and mine is all set up and ready to go.

My dad gives me a walkthrough of how to set it up to a router once I get it home, and turns it on to show me all the bells and whistles he and my mom have taken the time to add. Like my own Skype account, a new email account on AOL, and my personalized picture and name when you sign on. For the screensaver there is 3-D multicolour bubbles floating all around. It's like heaven in plasma HD.

All this time, my heart feels like it's going to explode with terror. I am in this kind of a boat where there is doom waiting around every corner. Things are going beautifully in this moment and it's just too good to be true. I'm getting a laptop. It's free. It's customized. No one hates my guts. And there is a program on Spike t.v. playing in the backround of a guy fucking a cow's heart. All is right with the world.

And still though. The doom. It looms. It festers. It peeks it's crooked little nose around the corner, forboding as it is, telling me, "Just you wait you little cuntflap. This will all come crashing around you."

I stick my tongue out at it and eat my Fazolis. The Renegade Wizard has taken it upon himself to get me and the Warlock's Wife something to eat. He asks me, "You like lasagne? I'll bring you back some lasagne."

The Warlock's Wife, in a voice that only she can get away with using on said Renegade Wizard, insists, "And bring back some dessert!"

Oh boy. Now I'm REALLY gonna pay, the one that possesses the doom warns. Something terrible is going to happen for having so much delightful fun. And all in one day.

As the day progresses into night I am plagued by notions of Snookms insisting on a surprise divorce, or Neil Gaiman dying, or even my mom and dad saying they need the laptop back so they can give it to their long lost daughter that they just discovered was living under their stairs.

But nothing of the sort happens.

And then the next day.....

Mike's mom says she needs to talk to us. After Snookms gets off work. She NEVER asks us to come out there that late. And on a WORKNIGHT at that.


I ask Snookms if it's bad news. He says she said no. I have my doubts though.

On the way out there, I come to the conclusion that Mike's mom has cancer and is dying. She is having us come out there so she can tell us in person. That is all I come up with. I say prayers, ward away worries that are impossible to ward and next thing you know we're pulling up in Mike's mom's driveway.

There is a shiny red minivan in the driveway and the kids ask, "Who's van is that?"

"Oh. That's must be Michelle's". (Mike's mom and Ed's houseguest.)

We get in the house and Mike's mom says, "Well hello there!"

"Hi" I reply weakly.

"Well, do you have something to tell her?", she looks at Snookms.

"Huh. Oh. Yeah." Snookms gets this knowing look in his eyes and then smirks his sexy juicy Snookms smirk.

"Go outside and look at your new car!" Mike's mom yelps.

And so now, I just know I'm TOTALLY fucked. Right? Can you imagine the downfall of all this greatness?

Worst case scenario? No clue here. WhatsoEVER. But I'm going to ride it for all it's worth!

Til then...

Thank you everybody.



Jess said...

I love you. I send you schwag.

sex scenes at starbucks said...

Aww, happy birthday!! That is awesome. And no, you don't have to make it all up with bad luck! Love doesn't work that way.

kathulhu said...

When is your birthday?

And it's awesome that you got a new vehicle & a laptop!!! Send pictures of the van! And your boobs!

I know what you mean about something bad happening after something good. It seems like I've ridden on waves like that all my life. I just try to take one day at a time. Cause you really can't take 9 or 10 days at a time. Unless you could time travel. Which maybe your new van does. Let me know.

Realmcovet said...

Jess! I love you too! Schwag eh? According to UrbanDictionary.Com, that is some pretty bunk shit. I will take it though baby!

Sex: Why thank you! My birthday isn't even til August 1st, (member? We's Leo's! *bumps chest with pride*) And thank you for reminding me how love truly works. You're right!

KittyKatty: My berfday ain't til August, like I told Sex. So that is a pretty early b-day present! And I would send you pictures of my tits but they are no match for your abundance of fleshy joy. The van on the other hand, is do-able.

You and I share many similiar experiences in the area of psychological mumbo jumbo. But again, that is because we are NUTTAY-BUDDAYS. I'll let you know what I work out with the timetraveling gig. I want to go back in time and fuck Raistlin when he got really sick in Soulforge, right before his momma died. I felt so bad for him that I cried when I first read that part of the book. Like, REALLY cried.

Jess said...

I will give you all the schwag you need, lovesie.

I like the talker in me, too, but online is where you'd like it the most. To talk to me on the phone right now would be like talking to Droopy Dog or Scooby Doo. It's not pretty.

I have no idea what happened with Stranger than Fiction. It might be because I'm doped up completely, in a non-good doped way. I did like the space camp part, though. Lessee...downloading now are: The Dajeeling Limited, The Bad Seed, Quarantine, Changeling, Se7en, and Dumplings, a horror film from Hong Kong about cannibalism. You'd go nuts for it.

Indeed, nuts on the face is an Occam's Razor. Not the good nuts, though. Dem nuts is all the way in Joisey. :(

Jess said...

Aight, Marty, let's get this mofo runnin'. I am shit. You oughta see my cheekies today.

Speaking of cheeky, yeah, I've been super snarky. Being in bed all say, it's the least I can do for y'alls. :)

Oh, a dolocom is an archaic intercom system typically used in dolmans, like 17th century French dolmans.