current mood: norfair <3
currently listening to: the storms of early summer
currently watching: eat, pray, love
i'm in the lair of ridley. i'm on the cusp of greatness, of defeating a most worthy opponent, yet i am still recovering from the warfare of a previously fought foe. i won't lie around for long. i'll pick up this great wavebeam of strength & shoot with the might of my missile soon enough. for now tho, i just wander around in this bubble realm of relaxation & false pretense, for that is the charm of norfair.
i have 3 weeks left for this semester. i'm doing awesome in Life Skills & Writing (ENGL 025) but I failed my last math test. i'm fucking bummed about it too! worst case scenario? i'll have to take the class again next semester. the advantage here is that i can take a lower level math class. BUT. i just can't shake the whole, "i'm a failure, i'm so dumb" feeling outta my chest. i'm trying tho. i'm really, really trying. it's like i feel betrayed by mathematics. i work so hard everyday, committing myself to it's ways, learning it's in's & out's. & it sucks because i'm still in love with the concept of mathematics, but it's like this mysterious ex, y'know? no matter what you did, it just wasn't good enough? so i'm not all like, "fuck you math! i hate you hard". but i'm heart broken. i'll just have to keep on keepin on. it's hard not to get discouraged!
supposed to go see 'insidious' later tonight with snookms & the spawn. i heard it was pretty spooky, from the same directors of 'paranormal activity' (& 'saw' too, but barf, i think the 'saw' movies are dumb). it's also pg-13 which is to my benefit when it comes to horror movies since snookms isn't too fond of rated R flicks. GOD I LOVE HIM FOR THAT. i mean, i can really get frustrated with him over that shit, real quick? but like, for the most part i love that he is my polar opposite in so many ways. it makes for some great chemistry. & he has such a carnal effect on me too. i can smell the scent of his skin & he won't even be around & i'll get butterflies in my stomach & wanna go hump something. or even just the other day. i had to follow him home in my car because he bought a new car for work right? so i was trailing behind him & i could see his mouth (5 o'clock shadow & all, but keep in mind, it was just his mouth framed in that tiny mirror!) in his rear-view mirror & i got all excited & bouncy & wanted to kiss him. i love how he has this effect on me. but it has it's disadvantages when we argue. i'm all like" FUCK YOU I HATE YOU I DON'T WANNA COME NEAR YOU!"
so what else? oh! 'eat, pray, & love' was a lovely lovely movie for me to wake up to last sunday afternoon. it was on the starz channel or hbo, & i was prepared for something boring but it really moved me emotionally. & i still harbor somewhat of a crush on julia roberts too. there is something about her gentle assertiveness that i find myself magnetized to. & then ol' what's his face from 'no country for old men'? that 'friendo' dood? he makes my tits hard. & even moreso in 'eat, pray, & love' because he is the Ultimate Protector, but so sensitive too, eh? so yeah, this movie made me cry. especially when julia was in india & that guy from the temple was giving her shit about his forgiveness story. good movie!
so i finally got to check out this whole 'zumba' ordeal on thursday. mysty has been going & had invited me several times, all of which i had declined due to other obligations. but i finally got a chance to go with her, & i have to say that all my preconceived notions about it have been thrown out the window. i thought it was going to be really dumb, un-entertaining & embarrassing, but it was only one of those things. & after about 10 minutes, the embarrassment went away too. i felt so alive & invigorated & it was fucking fun. i found myself becoming envious of the zumba instructor because she moves so sexy. so the plan is that mysty & i are going to go back every thursday & dance our pants off. exercise & dance for an hour for 3 dollars ain't bad at all. i'd love to get my mom involved too because i think she'd love it. she loves dancing & is awesome at it, & this is SO her cup o' tea.
i'm really excited for the summer break that's coming up. i can't wait to start reading mordicai's 'the wasteland' again, & 'american gods' & all the other books that i had to put down in order to put college first. & all the silent hill video games that snookms & i got shespawn for xmas have remained unplayed for the most part, so those will DEF get torn to pieces once summer break hits. (i almost forgot about 'ico' too!) plus, snookms & i are in the works of planning a camping trip to florida. my sister-in-law went & i'm so jealous because it sounds like her & her family had the greatest time. i am at one with the motherfucking ocean people! can you handle this? can you wrap your brain around the idea that i am married to the sea? because i totally am. so i really hope me & snookms & the spawn make it out there this year. it's been far too long since i've last inhaled the salts of the sea into the desperation that is my lungs.
& last week i received one of the most endearing compliments. i went to study with my new study buddy & when i left to go home she noticed i drove a mini-van & said, "so that's your car? you are such a contradiction of character!" & it made me feel super proud. i don't know why really. i guess i like the idea that my character doesn't fall into the hands of the analytical so easily? but yeah. it's made me smile thinking of that notion.
& the dreams i've been having? they are back to insects speaking spiritually to me. there are messages encrypted into the sounds they are making, their movements, they way they sway to & fro & float free form around the four corners of my room. there's definitely a sense of urgency about what they are trying to convey, but i can't always decipher what they mean to communicate. it makes me want to cry in my sleep, not being able to transcend to a dimension that will help me understand what they say, & they cry too when my dreams are gone. i wake up feeling the need to know. cicadas & beetles have managed to worm their way into the fibers of my unconsciousness, but the spiders are still the stars, & my mind is the galaxy in which they roam. it feels like they tell me secrets about a crystalized realm. a future that is not so far away, but far enough that i may transpire of old age before i come to it. but it's a message for me to pass down to my children, & my children's children. & it's fucking important & i don't know what it is! it's been like this for so many years. it was shortly after 9-11 took place too. it's probably just my mind's way of dealing with the fear of the world coming to an end? i always fantasize about the what's & how's of it, but i still carry a lot of fear of the unknown in regard, y'know?
welllllp, the storms of early summer are calling to me, as well as snookms' super-sexy coffee.